A new slogan for the Pine Tree State's tourist board: "Maine is for political horse-race handicappers"

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by Ken

So let me get this straight. Because Willard Inc. edged out Ron Paul by three percentage points among Republicans who participated in the Maine caucuses (several dozen at least, I'm guessing), with his equally useless rivals "Noot the Toot" Gingrich and Rick "Fetus Boy" Santorum essentially not participating, the juggernaut that is the Willard candidacy is back in motion. Is that it?

True, no actual delegates come with this great victory. (Didn't such primaries and caucuses used to be referred to as "beauty contests"? I don't recall hearing the phrase in connection with this year's nonbinding GOP campaign events, and happily so.) Still, in the event that Willard's now-demonstrated clout with Maine Republicans should eventually translate into actual delegates, the state's bountiful delegation is bound to be a convention-buster -- and that's without even contemplating the force, come November, of the state's electoral votes. Um, four, isn't it?

Is it any wonder, then, that the Washington Post's Rosalind S. Helderman and Felicia Sonmez hail this as "a key victory the former Massachusetts governor hopes will help him regain momentum after defeats in three nominating contests"? Or that they pay such awed tribute to "Romney’s superior organization and dominating advantage with endorsements of top state Republicans," and the attendant "significant edge in the low-turnout and nonbinding affair"? Remember, he was going head to head with that political driving force Ron Paul, who (let all remember) "had aggressively worked the state’s grass roots in hopes of snagging his first win of the presidential primary season in Maine."

No way, José -- er, Ron. I mean, Ron, baby, if you couldn't get closer than three percentage points to a candidate who has at his disposal roughly all the money in the world which doesn't come from Noot's and Rick's designated billionaire crackpots, plus the endorsements of every state Republican who has hopes of having his/her log rolled in future by deep-pocketed GOP donors, then it's hardly any wonder that the WaPo scribes are sneering at you.

Well, that and your equally imposing triumph at the CPAC loon convention.

The Maine win came as Romney also won a presidential straw poll of activists attending the Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday, a key annual gathering of right-leaning Republican activists concluding Saturday in Washington.

Taken together, the dual wins form a major boost for Romney, who had faced tough questions in the last week about whether his campaign can excite the conservative base of the Republican party.

In the CPAC straw poll, Willard's 38 percent constituted "a healthy cushion over the 31 percent won by Santorum." Well, sure a seven-percent ass-whuppin' among the tin-foil-hat set, that's pretty much a game-clincher, right? Just think, at this stage of the campaign, Willard was able to marshall a head-reeling 39 percent of those dozens of Maine GOP-ers, and almost as high a percentage among the Far, Far Right-Wingers who were allowed out of their custodial care to make the trip to D.C.

I suggest that Willard kill two birds with one stone by suspending all use of embarrassingly pirated pop songs and now use "Hail to the Chief" for all his campaign events. And insist on being addressed as he expects to be once he's passed the formality of his inauguration: as Your Corporate Worship. (Speaking of which, is that not a sight to stir the blood: "Smirkin' John" Roberts taking time off from his day job of shredding the Constitution to swear in the new corporate president? Yowza!)

IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS NEXT . . .

I checked the WaPo piece, and see that "Republicans will not vote again until the critically important primaries in Arizona and Michigan on Feb. 28, followed by Super Tuesday on March 6, when 10 states will hold elections." You have to feel a little bit sorry for the infotainment noozers who are being paid those Big Media Bucks to cover this cavalcade of thrills 'n' chills, and of course crucial thrashings-out of the vital issues confronting the nation. (That last part was a joke. Ha-ha!) This could be even tougher than finding something more to fob off on expectant readers/viewers in that last week before the Super Bowl.

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