The Florida Primary Campaign: A Tale Of Two Freaks

by Noah

It’s hard for any total freakazoids to stand out in Florida. The competition is fierce. But two big-name freaks have certainly been trying to stand out this week.

In the “It Doesn’t Get Any More Tone Deaf Than This" category, Mitt Romney stood out in front of a foreclosed house, saying that banks aren’t bad people. Well, first of all, there he goes again. Mitt, banks aren’t people. They may be infested with bad people, but they are not people. They are just evil entities, and evil entities that count you as a friend who will always be in their dark web and slime-filled corner. There was even a big "foreclosed" sign on the property. Keep in mind that Florida has one of the very highest foreclosure rates in the country. Ill feeling towards banks is justifiably running very high in Florida these days. Mitt had already said

“Don’t try and stop the foreclosure process. Let it run its course and hit the bottom.”

The whole Romney-standing-in-front-of-the house incident reminded me of Sonny Bush standing on that aircraft carrier in front of his “Mission Accomplished” banner.

You really have to wonder if Romney ever had a childhood or went to school. Remember when Bill O’Liely said Obama was not a traditional guy? Well, Romney is not a traditional guy for real! Maybe Romney really was, until recently, a mannequin, and just hasn’t learned the ways of civilized society. Maybe he is the ultimate manufactured candidate, straight from the Bain-owned factory-- in China, no doubt.

This man or alien man has a special talent for saying the exact wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is the master of the trifecta of cringe-inducing awkwardness. He can’t even look people in the eye when he spins his lies. As he said what he said below, he turned his face away from the folks he was talking to when he got to the second sentence, and ended up looking down at the table or floor. It’s an indication of so many things, including contempt for his audience and lack of experience in talking to people or honest human interaction. It’s alien to him. He’s been a bubble boy all his life. Most important of all, Mitt Romney is devoid of any semblance of empathy.

“The banks are scared to death of course. They’re feeling the same thing that, that you’re feeling.”

Sure they are! Nice try with that “empathy thing”! You have to wonder just who lets this guy out in public. I can’t wait till he gets the nomination and names Snidely Whiplash as his running mate. He’ll go before the cameras and tell anyone who’s still watching that Snidely has been his idol since he was a teenager. Someone will whisper in his ear that Snidely Whiplash is just a cartoon figure and Mittens won’t understand.

Are Romney’s handlers secretly working for President Obama? Oris he some kind of escaped-from-a-lab android robot with a few crossed wires or some defective chips? One thing’s for sure: Mittens is building up quite a catalog of strange utterances. From “Corporations are people, my friend” to “I like firing people” to “I am also unemployed” to $300,000 not being a lot of money to saying he’s for the middle class when he doesn’t even know what the middle class is, he seems to be trying to top Yogi Berra’s saying “It gets late early here” or “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

he difference is, though, that Yogi has a sense of humor, and a trace of logic once you add in the context. Not so with Romney. His whole being seems to exist out of any known context in the universe; at least the universe that most of us spend our lives in. We are all the result of our experiences, the situations we have been in, the people we have met, our parents, those we have loved, the town we grew up in… With Romney, there doesn’t seem to be any context, and that can only be because he has never lived outside of his display case, out in the real world. He has never really walked down the street, even though he told a Florida debate audience that we need someone “who’s lived in the real streets of America.”

Well, that counts you out Mittens, but come to think of it, maybe we need someone who has experience on the streets as a community organizer, eh? Or maybe we need an Occupy participant! Romney has always gone straight from mansion to limo to boardroom and back. There is no evidence of previous human interaction. God, his poor wife!

Then there’s the Great White Pander Bear Category. That’s right. I’m talking about the king of pandering, Newt Gingrich. Pandering to the locals and calling himself a visionary, during a campaign stop in Cape Canaveral. Florida, he promised that in his second term we would be building a permanent base on the moon.

Never mind spending our money on things like the crumbling infrastructure and hunger here on earth in America. Listening to Newt, you couldn’t be blamed for thinking that he himself hails from the moon, or maybe that the moon really is made of green cheese, that it has psycho-active properties, and that Newtie ate way too much of it.

Then again, maybe Newt wants a moon base because it would make for a fine out-of-the-way love nest for one of his poor, misguided flab- and Tiffany-addicted mistresses. As for keeping the moon base clean, he could fly some inner-city youngsters to the moon for janitorial services. He’d also have them sing “That Silver-Haired Daddy of Mine” while they buff up his shoes on a 19th-century shoeshine stand. I bet Newt’s moon-base house would look very much like an antebellum plantation mansion. He’d probably even have a greenhouse in the back 40 to grow some cotton. Failing that, he’ll just stay on earth and call for flying all minorities to the moon, calling it one of his bold new solutions!