Black Friday: True embodiment of th 21st-century national spirit -- greedy, self-absorbed, demented

Jeez, you couldn't make this stuff up. Does it ever occur to the brain-obliteratin savages of Crap Christianity that God is keeping tabs on them? No, probably not -- if they were capable of processing that tiny bit of logic, they wouldn't be, yoy know, the way they are.

In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy Shit
Pepper Spraying, Homicide Bullish Indicators, Economists Say

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) -- In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless shit.

"We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend," said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the University of Minnesota. "When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed."

Mr. Logsdon said he was "impressed" by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter a Walmart unarmed.

"If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you'd better have a firearm," he said. "Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great doorbusters on firearms."

Walmart and other retailers’ decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: "Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier."

All in all, Dr. Logsdon said that the increased violence and mayhem at retail outlets across the country was "a testament to the greatness of the American consumer."

"Egyptians risk their lives for new government," he said. "Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens."

by Ken

As Black Friday dawned yesterday, the NYT was wondering whether all those people huddling in the nation's merchandise marts, although huddled in impressive numbers, were really buying the way good Black Friday consumers were hoped to be buying. Curiously, the link for that story now takes you to a differently discouraging report, "For Black Friday First-Timers, Not a Night of Conversion."

They were the Black Friday novices: people who, drawn by the earlier-than-usual store openings or economic necessity, decided to try their hands at shopping on the busiest day of the retail year.

The shoppers found good deals, like a $14.88 waffle iron and 40 percent off Ann Taylor Loft apparel. But assessing their initial Black Friday excursions later, many first-timers did not seem to think it was worth braving the crowds.

And while most malls and stores were packed but relatively calm, in California, a woman pepper-sprayed fellow Wal-Mart shoppers, apparently to keep them from grabbing an Xbox she wanted. Two other Wal-Mart shoppers, in San Leandro, Calif., and Myrtle Beach, S.C., were shot in the stores' parking lots, while police arrested shoppers who were fighting over products in Wal-Mart stores in Milford, Conn., Rome, N.Y. and Kissimmee, Fla.

One first-time Black Friday shopper, Debra Banks, 48, was jostled by crowds when she entered a Toys “R” Us in New Jersey and missed out on the limited-edition coupon books. She left the store with nothing. "Well, I can't say this is fun," she said. "Enlightening, maybe."

As everyone knows, Black Friday is becoming more and more like a Jewish holiday, beginning at sundown the evening before. At more and more locations, if you arrived as late as 9pm on Thanksgiving Day, you stood a chance of getting shut out.

Shopping has of course taken on a religious quality -- of a weirdly whacked-out religion, the kind that has become the powerhouse of the country's booming religion industry.

As Andy Borowitz's expert witness Dr. Logsdon puts it, the increased violence and mayhem at retail outlets across the country are "a testament to the greatness of the American consumer. Egyptians risk their lives for new government. Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens."

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