Freakshow Politics: I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy

- By Noah

Great. So President Obama has shown us his full birth certificate. I wonder what the Repug Party will find wrong with it. We already know that some of them don’t believe that Hawaii “is in America.” But now we should expect stories about how the typeface didn’t exist in 1961, and the color of the paper hadn’t been invented yet. Then, some Republican congresscretin from Texas or some other land of total dementia will go before the cameras with a story about how, when he was just a boy vacationing in Hawaii with his family, he saw a flying saucer decorated with Muslim crescents land on the beach one night, hand Obama’s parents a baby in a blue blanket, and then take off for parts unknown in galaxies far, far away.
 
The congresscretin’s story will tear the Repug Party apart once and for all as half of the party accepts the story as proof that the President is not “from around here,” and, the other half will be mightily conflicted when a former evangelical public access TV “pastor,” new to a prime time slot at FOX “News” convinces them that this story might be evidence that Obama might actually be of divine origin, even if he is a registered Democrat. Trumpy the clown will respond to them saying, “Yeah? Well then how come he’s black?”
 
As the 2012 primary season drags along, perhaps we should demand to see Trump’s tax returns and divorce records for the last 40 years, proof that Palin graduated from the 6th grade, Bachmann’s Certificate of Sanity, some sort of documentation that Huckabbee doesn’t hangout at playgrounds, proof that Mitt Romney’s hair is actually hair and not some molded hardshell plastic thingie that was fused to his head during his previous life as a department store mannequin, and proof that Ron Paul wasn’t piloting that UFO.
 
Can I have that certificate printed on a mug for my tea? Or, will I have to settle for a special edition McDonalds soda cup and birth certificate napkin set?