Understanding Bizarre Life Forms: Republicans

Your elderly demented uncle may simply be a Republican!

by Noah

We've always known that to be a Republican is to adopt the Bizarro Code. The Repugs truly live in an alternate universe; walking among us, right out in the open, without any shame, physically, but clearly not mentally, all there. The nuttier-than-a-fruitcake insane asylum that is FOX "News" has only served to promulgate the classic Republican state of being. It has provided a nice warm fuzzy alternate delusional reality cocoon, detached from the real reality that normally adjusted people live in. This goes along way in explaining why Republicans are, by nature, sociopaths at best and psychopaths at worst.

I suppose it might have begun with things like President Reagan's half-witted statement that trees cause pollution or so-called President George W. Bush's highly cynical Healthy Forests Initiative, which basically served to increase the profits of timber companies under the guise of fire prevention. After all, reasoned, the psychotic Bush White House, "no trees" = "no forest fires." I'm sure Smokey the Bear was not amused. Similarly, Dubya pushed a Clear Skies Initiative that was designed to permit even more pollution from industry to enter the air. Since then we've had "mushroom cloud" = "go get the oil"; "health care = death panels"; etc. You get the picture.

To speak Republican is to speak a kind of Orwellian head-spinning doublespeak. But it's easily translated. Anyone with half a brain can understand what that Republican next to him is actually saying. You just have to realize that Republicans live in some sort of Sideways World. For starters, whatever they say, think the opposite. No Rosetta Stone needed.

To help out, I offer something that showed up in my mailbox just yesterday: the above GOP Translator. Try it out. Soon you'll begin to realize that your elderly demented uncle may simply be a Republican, willfully trapped in another reality. He might even get better if you set his TV to block FOX (and Fox-lite CNN). He might even begin to understand that a healthy woman is a good thing.

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