What Will These Fan Favorites Be in Their Next Lives?

Leading off our procession is our new House speaker. Has that skin tone ever existed anywhere in nature?

by Noah

I’ve always been interested in the Hindu concept of karma. Having been brought up by severely Christian parents with their quaint notion that God punishes, the idea of karmic payback has a special place in what passes for my soul. So this morning, for some reason that shrinks get paid to uncover for a hefty fee but I can uncover for zippo, I started to muse on what might be the fate of certain cretins who walk among us and inhabit our TVs. Not that I’m judgmental or anything, but herewith I give you my version of what marma might provide for the future lives of some of the creatures who soil our existence on this planet.

1. Incoming House Speaker John Bo(eh)ner. He will be an orange-patent-leather ladies' handbag and matching shoes. He will live in a city that lacks one of those anti-dog-poop-on-the-sidewalk laws.

2. Rush Limbaugh. A highly over-inflated, bulging rear tire on a 1962 “Unsafe at Any Speed” Corvair speeding down the highway on a very hot summer day.

3. Michelle Malkin. The driver of the Corvair in (2).

4. Incoming Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul. A starving, impoverished black man in the rural south of the 1930s, being chased through a Mississippi swamp by Trent Lott’s relatives and a pack of hounds.

5. Rahm Emanuel. He’ll get his wish to be Mayor of Chicago, but the year of his election will be 1922 and the city will be a living hell run by Al Capone, and there will be no Eliot Ness. Be careful what you wish for Rahm. Welcome to Chicago politics, Roaring 20’s style, Rahm.

6. Former Vice President Dick Cheney. He will be Darth Vader, with a twist. His voice will be high and squeaky and his ability to use the force will leave him at the darndest times. The sound he hears more than any other will be laughter. Much of the laughter will be directed at him, but, much of the laughter will also be stark evidence of the happiness of the general population. Both things will make him completely mad and utterly miserable.

7. Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer. A piñata at a remote desert Mexican birthday party.

8. Ann “Coultergeist” Coulter. She will be a particularly tough piece of stale beef jerky in the mouth of a tobacco-spitting cowboy in Wyoming. The cowboy will get nowhere with his attempts to gnaw on the jerky and will toss it to the ground in frustration. That night, two rabid foaming at the mouth raccoons will come along and indulge in an epic tug of war.

9. Cyclist Lance Armstrong. A bicycle seat in the Tour de France.

10. Montana Sen. Max Baucus. A beat-up attaché case used to carry germ and drug encrusted cash in drug deals by people who will end up as K Street lobbyists.

11. Sean Hannity. A nationally known white supremacist suddenly dropped into the middle of the 1968 Detroit riots.

12. Politico. Toilet paper in bin Laden’s cave.

13. Incoming Florida Sen. Marco Rubio. Rush Limbaugh’s cigar.

14. Incoming House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa. A ten-year-old boy’s plastic Nazi soldier on the sidewalk about to meet the magnifying-glass death ray.

15. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich. A Fire hydrant in a future city where 8 million humans have disappeared into thin air, only to be replaced by 8 million dogs.

16. Bristol Palin. A dime-a-dance girl in an Alaskan dance hall during the 19th Century Alaskan Gold Rush. Don’t worry Bristol, those sloppy-drunk, reeking prospectors can’t dance either but that’s not what they’re really interested in anyway.

17. Incoming Washington State Rep. Hans Zeiger. A Girl Scout-in-training.

18. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. A little girl’s favorite dolly, complete with a doll-size set of a hundred dresses, bikinis, lingerie, spike heels, and evening wear. Oh wait, he’d like that!

19. The entire U.S. Chamber of Commerce. Pregnant women chained to a work bench making 15 cents per day making cheap sneakers and day-glo shower slippers in a Southeast Asian factory. Same goes for everyone at Goldman-Sachs.

20. Osama bin Laden. Lab rat for a scientist who's looking for a cancer cure.

21. New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. Luau pig.

22. Glenn Beck. One of those big fat bright yellow very dented bumper guards at a very busy toll plaza on America’s number one drunk driver highway.

23. Goldman Sachs Chairman-CEO Lloyd Blankfein. A Dumpster-diving homeless man who learns the value of humility and integrity but gets the crap kicked out of him by a pack of drunken, coked-out Wharton Business School grads on a near-daily basis.

24. South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint. A slave owned by a very sadistic plantation owner in a place that is remarkably like South Carolina in 1820. They will break him, badly.

25. Sarah Palin. one of those jack-in-the-box heads on a Slinky thingie. Lots of chips in the paint.

26. George Dubya Bush. An abandoned three-year-old boy in Crawford, TX, whose daddy was last seen disappearing over a hill with the family’s prized ewe, never to be seen again. Little Georgie will now have to fend for himself if he’s to ever amount to anything.

27. Former BP CEO Tony Hayward. A brown pelican.

28. Brett Favre. A model for airport porno-scanners.

29. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Mitch McConnell.

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