The Mile-High Club: Thinking Outside The Box

by Noah

Who says the world’s corporate leaders are charter members of what I call "the endless parade of chimps, assholes, and morons"? Well, I do, for one. Here’s a prime example that you may have missed. Ireland-based airline Ryanair's CEO Michael O'Leary has announced that he hopes to have an in-flight pay-per-view porn service available for his customers soon.

I'm not talking about having it on screens on the back of seats for everyone to see. It would be on handheld devices.

Now his use of the phrase "handheld devices" conjures up a wide variety of images, but let us hope that the devices this idiot is referring to require being held by both hands -- and we certainly don’t want hands-free devices, do we?

It’s bad enough that we have to deal with being packed in on planes like canned sardines, sitting next to people who are so far beyond the borders of obesity that they should be required to buy two (or three) seats, crying babies, children poking at us from the seat in front, etc. Now we’d have to deal with our neighbor getting all hot and bothered in the next seat? Will alcohol still be served on the planes? Will there be a separate, walled-off porno section on each plane, set aside exclusively for porno wankers? How much will a Porn Class ticket cost? Or will the person sitting next to your underage child be given free reign to “enhance the in-flight experience"? Will each plane have a flight attendant who walks up and down the aisles playing soft wah-wah guitar lines or cheesy sax solos? I can see the little boxes of Kleenex with the Ryanair logo already. Who gets that concession? (Koch brothers, of course.)

I've flown on Ryanair, from England to Holland. No airline packs people closer together than these guys. In fact, O'Leary is also somewhat famous for saying that he wants to remove all but one toilet (and that would be a pay toilet) from his planes in order to have room for more seats! That flight over the North Sea is a turbulent one, even on a nice day, with passengers continually tossed against each other. To this he wants to add porn? There’s only one final touch that's missing from O'Leary's dream:

"Hello, this is Herman Cain and I will be your flight captain today.”