By the time Jamie Kilstein finishes with the Bible-thumpers, they ought to be looking for something else to thump

Jamie Kilstein delivers his inspired and inspiring rant on The Green Room with Paul Provenza. We've got a transcript below, and boy, is it worth reading! But believe me, it's worth experiencing both ways.

"I know that America thinks every time a gay couple adopts a child, it forces otherwise straight and homophobic pastor Ted Haggart to hire a gay male prostitute and engage in a weeklong meth-induced fuck spree. I know. He didn't want to do it, you guys, but then a gay couple adopted and it forced him to take an injection of another male prostitute cock. I know, I get it. . . .

"You give me one valid argument beside: 'But God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.' Really? Because by the looks of it, Adam and Eve fucked up big-time, and maybe Adam should have explored other options."

-- (straight) comic Jamie Kilstein, from his astounding rant

by Ken

This DailyKos post today by our colleague Clarknt67 falls in the "not to be missed" zone. In passing it along, Clark provided this interesting bit of background:

Sometimes you post something and the enthusiasm of response surprises you. Today, on a lark, I did a riff on Clint Eastwood's GQ quote on marriage equality and rounded it out with some of the better straight boys quotes of support. It kind of shocked me how much our mostly straight allies at Daily Kos like the post.

I've avoided mentioning the title of the post, which is "Clint Eastwood Doesn’t Give A F*ck About Gay Marriage," because Clint is only one of the "straight boys" quoted. Now this is not at all to minimize the potency, pithiness, or pertinence of his quote, which Clark points out "went viral after Chicago Sun-Times film critic Richard Roeper tweeted it," thusly:


Here's the post's rendering of the Clint quote, from a GQ interview (you can click to enlarge):


Great stuff, no question. Still, Clint is, again, only one of five straight guys represented here. As Clark explains in the post:

There is something truly beautiful about how straight guys approach the topic of marriage equality. See, they aren't dealing with a lifetime of feeling shameful and unworthy. And they aren't fetishizing the tactic of presenting their views in nice, inoffensive ways that don't scare the straight people. They haven't sent their talking points through the Gay, Inc. car wash for a nice polish and buff sure to better appeal to America's soccer moms, NASCAR dads, and their deeply felt religious convictions.

And it got me thinking, so I compiled some of the more awesome, matter of fact things our straight male allies have said on the topic of gays and marriage equality. [Emphasis added.]

This puzzled me at first, until I realized that when Clark says, "There is something truly beautiful about how straight guys approach the topic of marriage equality," he surely means some straight guys.

The "top five list" he wound up with, in addition to Clint Eastwood and Jamie Kilstein, consists of Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, NYS Sen. Roy McDonald (who "found himself in the glare of a media spotlight when he famously flopped from voting no on New York's marriage equality bill in 2009 to saying yes to equality in 2011"), and retired NBA great Charles Barkley. Maybe we'll come back to those at some point, but for now you can read them in the actual post. I need to get back to Jamie Kilstein.

Before I watched the video version atop this post, I had read Clark's transcript. I think it deserves to be experienced both ways, in the same way that so many of the great Lee Camp's rants do. I had also read some of Lee's stuff before I saw him perform any of it, and reading it I was thrilled by the cool, unassailable logic of the arguments made with such deliciously blunt force. In the same way, as I read the transcript of Jamie's rant, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that it's the definitive answer to NOM and all the Bible-thumping ignoramuses who spew all their hate-filled ignorance and filth. By rights, if they possessed even the tiniest hint of decency and actual brain function, they would promptly take a vow to shut their delusional pieholes for eternity.

Anyway, here's Jamie's rant in transcript form:

To every heterosexual, mentally abusive, closet-racist, fast-food-feeding, let-your-kid-run-around-the-mall-like-a-psycho parent: Why do you have, like, nine fucking kids, yet you say that gay folks can't adopt because it might screw the kid up? And I know that America thinks every time a gay couple adopts a child, it forces otherwise straight and homophobic pastor Ted Haggart to hire a gay male prostitute and engage in a weeklong meth-induced fuck spree. I know. He didn't want to do it, you guys, but then a gay couple adopted and it forced him to take an injection of another male prostitute cock. I know, I get it.

But I say, just because your man-bits fit into some girl-bits doesn't mean you should have kids. Do you know how many straight people shouldn't have children? Go to a movie theater or an IHOP on a Sunday.

And don't tell us that two men or two women in the bedroom may cause a child to question his sexuality. Any kid basing his sex life on the sounds coming from his parents' bedroom is already fucked beyond repair. If God designed marriage for a man and women, then statistics say that God is failing. That is below failing. Just look at straight and homophobic pastor Ted Haggart, who's married with children but hired a gay male prostitute to shame-fist him into a meth coma.

But you say that being gay is being immoral? Really? More immoral than shame-fisting? Because I would rather have my kids raised by the flaming queer couple down the street than have them spend another night at the church with Father Diddlyhands. Is that why you want adoption restricted, Church? You keeping all the young ones for yourself? Church, if you really think that a child should only be raised by a married couple, then I have an idea. Let the gays marry, assholes! These are people who will raise a child for a better reason than "the condom broke."

You give me one valid argument beside: "But God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Really? Because by the looks of it, Adam and Eve fucked up big-time, and maybe Adam should have explored other options.

So stop fucking telling us that the Bible says that being gay is unnatural, because I've read the Bible and there is a lot of unnatural shit that happens in that book. I would say that a dude dying and rising from the dead in a zombie-esque fashion is far less natural than me sucking a cock. Because at least cocksucking you can prove.

I am notoriously grumpy about standing ovations for performers, which nowadays seem to be "earned" by simply getting through whatever shtick they set out to. For this I'd like to think I'd be the first one in the audience on my feet. Bravo, Jamie!

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