What's A Wanker To Do?

-by Noah

I think Christine O'Donnell has ruined masturbation for me. She's in my thoughts now, polluting my inner world.
     
The teabaggers, Republicans, republikooks, or whatever we're supposed to call our culture's wackjob element these days are always fine ones to talk about things like "personal liberty" and "taking away our freedoms" but, the Republican nominee for senator from Delaware (who is also an evolution denier) has given us a quick peep at what the Repug set have in store for us in the future if they yank the power of Congress away from the Democrats. They always push it further and further and further. For the Republicans, it's no abortions, no condoms, no birth control of any kind. The kook running against Alan Grayson is opposed to divorces. Their next frontier? No masturbation! No wanking! Will stiff prison sentences be proposed? Who will be checking? Will this require some new "big government" agency with a spanking new building? What will outside columns and the statue in the lobby look like? Expect a rise in juvenile crime. And, of course, Republicans will soon be requiring all women to wear burkas (but don't you dare mention The American Taliban which is so mean to rightists). Who needs crazy Muslim fundamentals when we have plenty of crazy Republican fundamentals right here, right now. Made in America!  

As worried as we are about this development, a kind of GOP de-evolution in thought, or dogma, our friend Andy Borowitz reported on this morning's demonstrations in Wilmington, which have since spread to Dover:

Galvanized by Republican senatorial nominee Christine O’Donnell’s anti-masturbation stance, masturbators from across the state converged on Wilmington today in what some are calling the largest pro-wanking protest in American history.

Carrying signs reading, “O’Donnell: Hands Off Our Masturbation,” the angry masturbators clogged downtown Wilmington, stopping traffic for blocks.

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

Mr. Farger, the executive director of the pro-monkey-spanking group MasturNation, said that the “wank and file” of his organization believe that masturbation is an inalienable right guaranteed by the Constitution.

“Our country was founded by rugged individualists,” he said.  “And you know what individualists like to do.”

He said that Ms. O’Donnell’s anti-whacking position was “ill-timed,” adding, “In this economy, masturbation is one of the few simple pleasures people still can afford.”

Tracy Klugian, a homemaker and masturbator from Dover, Delaware, said she is “puzzled” by what she sees as the contradictory nature of candidate O’Donnell’s position: “If you’re against masturbation, why would you want to serve in Congress?”

A spokesman for the Wilmington Police Department, Crandall Darlington, said that the Million Masturbators March could cost the city tens of thousands of dollars, “especially when you include the cost of cleaning up afterwards.”