Republican Culture of Death Reeling from Kevorkian Demise

Forget Dr. Kevorkian's old-fashioned technology.
Paul Ryan and the House Republicans are bringing
elder-population control into the 21st century.

by Noah

What's a party to do when it has nothing but a clown parade of candidates and so many of its biggest idols, role models, and icons keep dying or going to jail? Think about it. Mengele, Bundy, Pinochet, and now, Dr. Death himself, Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Kevorkian is dead -- of natural causes! Who will now step forward?

Fear not! While Kevorkian broke some laws, he claimed he was only ending suffering and helping those in severe pain and affliction go on to the next world a little before their time. According to comic Andy Borowitz, the Republican Party has an answer to pull from their tiny little bag of ideas, and that answer is none other than Paul Ryan. Ryan is a man who longs to push the envelope further by killing off Medicare, a program that foolishly actually helps keep people alive! Kill Medicare. Kill Grandma!

BOROWITZ REPORT
JUNE 3, 2011

Paul Ryan Vows to Continue Kevorkian’s Work
Medicare to be Replaced with 'Kevouchers'

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- In a somber Congressional ceremony, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) eulogized the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian today, vowing to "honor his legacy by continuing his good work."



"Dr. Kevorkian tried to ease the transition of seniors into the great beyond," an emotional Rep. Ryan told his colleagues in the House of Representatives. "Here in Congress, we have the opportunity -- one might even say the obligation -- to continue Kevorkian's work on a grander scale.”"

As a first step to memorialize the work of Dr. Kevorkian, Rep. Ryan said that his new budget plan would replace Medicare with a system of so-called "Kevouchers" that could be redeemed for cyanide pills, nooses and bullets.



In other political news, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) suffered another setback today, in the form of these harsh words of criticism from former President Bill Clinton: "In my day, we'd show it to 'em in person."



The avalanche of ridicule suffered by Rep. Weiner in recent days finally drew some pushback from a member of the congressman’s staff.



"It is time for all of these babyish 'wiener' jokes to stop," said new Weiner spokesman Hugh G. Rection.



Elsewhere, a new study shows that when you talk on your cell phone everyone around you can hear every fucking word you're saying.

In the Repug mind, the synergy is beautiful! Why even wait till those final days when you can preemptively strike before the suffering even begins? Talk about government interference! I fully expect Ryan's well-publicized End Medicare Plan to soon be part of a new book for the Republican best-selling reading list. I hear it will be called Bursting the Baby Boom Bubble: Paul Ryan's Common Sense Solutions to Overpopulation.

Final solutions, at that.

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