Perelman Tonight: The shock of the new home -- Part 2 of "Acres and Pains"

"Like any greenhorn from the city, I used to choke up freely at the sight of the man with the hoe. Every bumpkin I encountered reminded me of Daniel Webster; his dreariest platitude had the dignity and sweep of Walt Whitman's verse. Selecting one noble old patriarch, who I was sure had served with John Brown at Harpers Ferry, I commissioned him to paint the barn. Several days later, he notified me that forty-seven gallons were exhausted. 'No use skimpin',' he warned."

-- from Chapter Two of Acres and Pains

by Ken

Last night we plunged into Acres and Pains, Perelman's account of his decade-plus "career as a country squire," and learned the chilling story of the "little old lady" (almost thirty . . . very well preserved") whose "mutual love for wildflowers and jam" eventually led to his signing "some sort of document, the exact nature of which escaped me," until he discovered that the card she had handed him read "Licensed Real-Estate Agent," and he had just committed himself to buying his passport to country living.

I still have the card in my upper bureau drawer. Right next to it, in a holster, is a Smith & Wesson .38 I'm holding in escrow for the lady the next time we meet. And we will -- don't you worry. I've got plenty of patience. That's one thing you develop in the country.

FOR PART 2 OF ACRES AND PAINS, CLICK HERE


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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