Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Lion" and "The Wombat"

So the suspense has been killing you, right? Last night, in "Are Wombats People?," Will Cuppy got us as far as fessing up that a Wombat is a mammal, information he didn't think would be all that revealing, considering what odd notions people have of what it means to be a mammal. I promised last night that tonight we would have Will's piece on the Wombat, and so we will -- from the section of How to Attract the Wombat called "PROBLEM MAMMALS," all of which turn out to be marsupials, all but the Opossum from Australia.

I promised an additional Cuppified mammal, or even two. I think we'll leave it at just one, and have selected the Lion, from the chapter of "Mammals You Ought to Know" from Will's first animal book, How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes. -- Ken

"When he lashes his sides with his tail strangers often rush up and pet him. They do this only once."

(from How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes)

THE LION is called the King of Beasts because that is the main thing about him. He inhabits the Torrid Zone and is fond of Zebras and Hottentots. Lions once lived in Egypt, where they symbolized the annual inundation of the Nile or Ptah. The natives would sing Egyptian songs to them and they gradually left the country. Ptolemy VI arranged a parade of several thousand Lions and several hundred virgins. The Lion has tactile facial vibrissaæ or whiskers provided with large nerve-bulbs about the size of a pea. If you examine these closely for several moments your time hasn't come yet.¹ The Lion is a generous foe because he kills with one blow of his paw and does not bear a grudge. He will not hurt you unless he is hungry or wounded or frightened or annoyed or vicious.² The Lion is a Cat or Feline but he seems more like a Dog. When he lashes his sides with his tail strangers often rush up and pet him. They do this only once.³ The Lion is sometimes described as cowardly and mean because he does not care to be shot. Some people lose all respect for the Lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people. The Lion should be let alone. He was there first.⁴

NOTES
¹ Aristotle maintains that the neck of the Lion is composed of a single bone. Aristotle knew nothing at all about Lions, a circumstance which did not prevent him from writing a good deal on the subject.
² The problem of the Lion's temperament is somewhat difficult. A Lion once shook Dr. Livingstone severely. On the other hand, we have Androcles, Daniel and Corey Ford. Pliny remarks of the Lion that "his usual state is that of rage"; yet Nero, the Lion exhibited with Wombwell's Travelling Menagerie, was exceedingly docile and affectionate.
³ The desire to romp with Lions when they are seen bounding across their native heath appears to be widespread among tourists. It is difficult to take bounding animals seriously, but if one doesn't, they are likely to have the last laugh.
⁴ In South Africa, which is colonized by the Boers, or Dutch, a Lion hunt is largely a matter of spoors, kloofs, kraals and the like. In his interesting account of a Cape Lion hunt, Mr. Pringle tells how he had the misfortune to employ a party of Bastuards, or Mulatto Hottentots, who tracked the beasts to a large bosch, or bush, but at the first sign of danger turned and fled, with the utmost show of pusillanimity. Mr. Pringle seems to have been blissfully unaware of the nature of Bastuards.

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"Now you know more about Wombats than you did before. Oh, you do so!"

(from How to Attract the Wombat)

IF YOU KNOW NOTHING whatever about the Wombat, this would be a good piece to read. It might come in handy some time. There are people who go around asking about Wombats and you may run into one of them yet. "Why are Wombats found only in Australia and Tasmania?" is one of their questions. Answer: Because that is the way things are arranged. They also ask, "Why are Wombats?" Wombats would call that one just foolish. They feel that if there is going to be anything at all, there must be Wombats. They set great store by the fact that they are the only animals on earth who are Wombats. They would not dream of being anything else and they certainly wouldn't want to be us. It has never occurred to a Wombat that as a marsupial he is almost as low as a monotreme¹ and that we belong to the Primates, an order of mammals including the Apes, Monkeys, Marmosets, and Lemurs. We even have a family name, Hominidæ, to distinguish us, technically, from Gibbons, Chimpanzees, Orangutans, and Gorillas.² The Wombat has a chunky physique, short legs, and a generally uncouth and frowsy look. Some think he resembles a much overgrown Wood-chuck. The truth is, he looks like nothing much. The average Wombat is about a yard long from the tip of his nose to his vestigial tail. The Giant Wombat of the Pleistocene was as large as a Rhinoceros. This was obviously too much Wombat and he was discontinued. The Common or Naked-nosed Wombat of southeastern Australia is the largest and most uninteresting of living Wombats. Tasmanian Wombats have tough hides and thick, coarse hair. They lead extremely boresome lives. Then they are made into rugs or doormats. And you think you have troubles.³ Pet Wombats occasionally show some signs of affection, if you need it that much. They bite you from time to time in a listless manner and for no reason that is apparent to a non-Wombat. Always remember that Wombats are nocturnal burrowing animals.⁴ If you have them indoors, they keep you awake all night trying to burrow through the floor. If you let them out, they have a tendency to undermine the foundations of the house. Some rather sad accidents have happened that way.⁵ Now you know more about Wombats than you did before. Oh, you do so!

NOTES
¹ A monotreme is a mammal that lays eggs. You can't get any lower.
² It has been suggested that Wombats are unnecessary because they haven't much sense. There's a laugh in that somewhere, if I had time to work on it.
³ The Common Wombat and the Tasmanian Wombat are said to have fifteen pairs of ribs to thirteen for the Southern Hairy-nosed Wombat and the Queensland Hairy-nosed Wombat. I see no reason to doubt this.
⁴ Wombats are remotely descended from a tree-dwelling animal. Well, I'm the last one to hold that against them.
⁵ The original human inhabitants of Tasmania gave up long ago and became extinct, but the Wombat goes right on trying, at least in April, May, and June. They have only one Wombat at a time.

TOMORROW in WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: "More About Wombats" (from How to Attract the Wombat)


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY TONIGHT and WILL CUPPY TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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