Thurber Tonight: The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Guide to Modern English Usage: V. Whether; and VI. The Subjunctive Mood

He instantly abandons all grammatical analysis
and begins to swish under beds ("The Subjunctive")

The Ladies' and Gentlemen's Guide
to Modern English Usage

V. Whether

A certain type of person is wont to let "whether" get him down. For one thing, he will wear himself out doubling the alternative. That is, he will write some such clause as "Whether or not the birds will or will not come north this year." Either "or not" or "or will not" should be dropped. If one or the other isn't dropped, an ornithologist can get into all sorts of trouble, such as "Whether or not the nuthatch will or will not hatch is not known." If the thing goes as far as that, a person should drop ornithology too. A good ornithologist doesn't need "whethers." He should know whether or not the bird will hatch, and say so.

The Nuthatch

The use of "whether" after "doubt" is another troublesome matter. Yet the rule is simple. When the sentence is affirmative, use "whether" -- "I doubt whether he will go." When the sentence is negative, use "that" -- "I do not doubt that he will go." Practically nobody remembers this rule, however, and the best thing to do is carry it on a little slip of paper in your pocket and refer to it when needed. In great crises, it is well not to bother with either one. For example, if a gentleman wishes to address a lady as follows, "I no longer doubt whether (that) I love you," the best modern usage is simply to place his arms around her waist. In this case her arms should go around his shoulders. Occasionally a gentleman will put his arms around a lady's shoulders and expect her to put hers around his waist. Since this is contrary to accepted custom, the result often is that both parties reach for the same place, i.e., waist or shoulders, at the same time, and thus appear to be boxing. Nothing can end a courtship any faster than to appear to be boxing. If a gentleman is going to depart from the common practice he should give warning.

Nothing can end a courtship any faster

than to appear to be boxing

The question of when to use "whether or no" instead of "whether or not" will likely never be decided now. Grammarians have avoided the subject since the deplorable experience of Dr. Amos Crawley, M.A., LL.D., who, in his invaluable but, alas, uncompleted monograph, "Clarified Expression," unaccountably got involved, while his wife and servants were away and he was alone in the house, in a construction beginning: "Whether or not 'whether or no' is ever preferable to 'whether or not' depends on whether or not . . ." at which point he was stricken. The best advice is make up your mind and avoid doubt-clauses.

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VI. The Subjunctive Mood

The importance of correct grammar in the home can not be over-estimated. Two young people should make sure that each is rhetorically sound before they get married, because grammatical precision, particularly in mood, is just as important as anything else. Rhetoric and sex, in fact, are so closely related that when one becomes confused they both become confused. Take the subjunctive. Fowler, in his book on modern English usage, says the subjunctive is dying, but adds that there are still a few truly living uses, which he groups under "Alives, Revivals, Survivals, and Arrivals." Curiously enough, he leaves out Departures, which it seems to me are just as important as Arrivals. Let us examine the all too common domestic situation where the husband arrives just after another gentleman has departed -- or just after he thinks another gentleman has departed (Suppositional Departures lead to just as much bitterness, and even more subjunctives, than Actual Departures).

The wife, in either case, is almost sure to go into the subjunctive -- very likely before any accusation is made. Among the most common subjunctives which she will be inclined to use are those of indignation and hauteur, such as "Be that as it may," "Far be it from me," etc. For the moment, she is safe enough in the subjunctive, because her husband has probably gone into it, too, using "Would God I were," "If there be justice," and so on. Wives select the subjunctive usually because it is the best mood in which to spar for time, husbands because it lends itself most easily to ranting and posturing. As long as they both stay in it they are safe. Misunderstandings are almost certain to arise, however, when the husband goes into the indicative, as he is pretty sure to do. He usually does this preparatory to dismissing his suspicions, a step toward which every husband is impelled by his natural egotism. First he will begin with a plain past-tense indicative if-clause -- just to show that he knows who the man is -- prior to dismissing him.

"If George Spangrell was here," the husband will begin, lighting a cigarette, "I . . . ."

"Well, what would you do if he were?" demands the wife.

A husband (left) encounters a lover

The confusion, which begins at this point, is pretty intricate. The husband has gone into the indicative, but his wife has stayed in the subjunctive and, furthermore, she thinks that he is still there, too. Thus she thinks he intended to say: "If George Spangrell was here [that is, now] I would tell him what I think of him, the low scoundrel." There is no excuse for a wife prematurely imputing such a suspicion or such a rhetorical monstrosity to her husband. What he probably intended to say was merely something like this: "If George Spangrell was here, I wouldn't like it, but of course I know he wasn't, dear." However, misunderstandings now begin to pile up. The husband is instantly made suspicious by her "What would you do if he were?" He considers her "were" tantamount to "is." (This quick-tempered construction, of course, makes the "would" in his wife's sentence ridiculous, for, had she meant "is" instead of "were," she would have substituted "will" for "would.") The situation is much too involved now, however, for the husband to make an effort to parse anything. He instantly abandons all grammatical analysis, and begins to look about, peering into the wardrobe, swishing under beds with a cane or umbrella.

His wife now has the advantage of him, not only in mood, but in posture. A woman must naturally view with disdain and contempt any man who is down on all fours unless he has taken that position for the purpose of playing horse with some children -- an extenuation which we need not discuss here. To meet her on even terms, the husband should walk, not crawl, from wardrobe to chaise longue, using the mandatory subjunctive in a firm voice, as follows: "If anyone be in (or under) there, let him come out!" ["Come out" is better here than "emerge" because stronger, but a husband should not fall into the colloquial "Come on out of that!" He may, however, if he so wishes, address the gentleman, whether he be present or not, as "Spangrell" but never "Mr. Spangrell" (Hypocritical Dignification) and certainly never as "George" -- the use of the given name being in extreme bad taste where no endearment is intended.]

The wife of course will resent all these goings-on, and the quarrel that results will probably last late into the night.

Ordinarily, his wife would reply, "Oh, no you won't!"

There are several ways to prevent a situation like this. In the first place, when a husband says "was" a wife should instantly respond with "wasn't" at its face value, because it preserves their egotism and self-respect. On the other hand, "if . . . were" is always dangerous. Husbands have come to know that a wife's "if . . . were" usually means that what she is presenting as purely hypothetical is, in reality, a matter of fact. Thus, if a wife begins, one evening after an excellent dinner, "Dear, what would you do, if I were the sort of woman who had, etc.," her husband knows full well that it is going to turn out that she is the sort of woman who has. Husbands are suspicious of all subjunctives. Wives should avoid them. Once a woman has "if . . . were'd" a Mr. Spangrell, her husband is, nine times out of ten, going to swish under the chaise longue. Even if he finds no one, the situation becomes extremely awkward, and there is of course always the plaguey hundredth chance that he may discover a strange cane or pair of gloves.

The best of all ways out is for the husband to go instantly into the future indicative and say, with great dignity, "I shall go down to the drugstore." Ordinarily, his wife would reply, "Oh, no you won't," but with all the doubt and suspicion in the air, she will be inclined to humor him and let him have his way. She is certain to, if Spangrell is in the clothes hamper.

TOMORROW NIGHT: Let Your Mind Alone!: "Anodynes for Anxieties"


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