"Surplus canvas waterboarding hoods" made into messenger bags? It appears "30 Rock"'s ratings are good enough to get away with such stuff!

In the 30 Rock episode "Brooklyn Without Limits," clueless "maverick" congressional candidate Steve Austin (John Slattery) encourages blind voters to believe that he's the wrestler of the same name and "senile" voters to believe that he's the Six Million Dollar Man.

"As God is my witness, we will build casinos on the moon!"

-- Rhode Island "small government" crackpot congressional
challenger Steve Austin, pressing his signature issue

"In the mid-'90s [Halliburton] found themselves with a surplus of canvas waterboarding hoods, so they had sweatshops make them into messenger bags to sell to outer-borough idiots."

-- Jack Donaghy, bursting Liz Lemon's mini-green
eco-bubble in last Thursday's 30 Rock

by Ken

An amazing episode this week (written by Ron Weiner), as --

TRACY TURNS TO JENNA FOR ADVICE
ON WINNING A GOLDEN GLOBE AWARD

And Jenna (Jane Krakowski) advises Tracy (Tracy Morgan), who has been nominated for his undoubtedly aptly named movie Hard to Watch, on how to make an impression on the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, including -- "when the time's right" -- attempting to bribe them.

TRACY: I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong?
JENNA: You're asking me?
[TRACY and then JENNA burst into laughter.]

(It turns out that Jenna is actually trying to sabotage Tracy, as she readily admits to Liz when Liz points out that Jenna is still jealous of Baby Jessica for drawing all that attention away from her. It seems Jenna knows from personal experience that it's not possible to buy a Golden Globe award. She shows Liz her Golden Globes banned-for-life card to prove that she's been banned for life for attempting it.)

JACK LEARNS CONGRESSIONAL NEMESIS REGINA
BOOKMAN FACES A STIFF REELECTION CHALLENGE

Grandstanding Rhode Island Congresswoman Bookman (Queen Latifah), you'll recall, has been threatening to block the acquisition of NBC by cable giant Kabletown. On learning that she faces a serious reelection challenge, Jack (Alec Baldwin) orders his toadyingly loyal assistant, the hopelessly love-struck Jonathan (Maulik Pancholy), to bring challenger Steve Austin to him for vetting. It turns out that Steve, played by John Slattery (Mad Men's Roger Sterling), is building his electoral strategy around encouraging voters to think he's either wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin or the Six Million Dollar Man.

Still, Jack is encouraged to learn that Steve believes in small government.

STEVE: Or no government at all. If it works in Antartica [sic], why can't it work here? If we have to have government, make it as small as possible. Dwarves. Tiny buildings. Pizza bagels for lunch --
JACK: Maybe we should stop at "small government." Let's cut to the chase. I need you to assure me you would never allow the government to interfere with the sale of one company to another.
STEVE: Course not! The government shouldn't interfere in anything. What happens inside a man's own rain poncho at a minor-league baseball game is his own business.
JACK: Well, Steve, we should stop talking.

Jack supervises the filming of a Steve Austin TV spot. Steve delivers the text mechanically, with occasional semaphore-style arm gestures.

STEVE: I am a constitutional originalist, and I believe that our founding fathers had it right. We need to get back to their America: [ticking the points off with his fingers] no paved roads, rum used as an anesthetic, legalized slavery.
JACK: All right --

LIZ'S LIFE IS TRANSFORMED BY THE DISCOVERY
OF MIRACLE-FIT JEANS FROM A STORE IN BROOKLYN

One and all are stunned by the transformation in our Liz (Tina Fey). Is it any wonder that after seeing her miraculously slimmed lower torso in the mirror Liz bought an additional ten pairs on the spot, and instructed the store clerk to burn her old jeans?

What's more, Liz is under the (mis)impression that the maker is a small eco-friendly company that's engaged in saving the world. Jack bursts her mini-green eco-bubble.

LIZ: Hey, don't talk down Brooklyn Without Limits. Stores like this are saving the world.
JACK: Really? You're going to lecture me about big business again. Do you know who owns Brooklyn Without Limits?
LIZ: Brooklyn Zack! He throws pool parties in Dumpsters.
JACK: Halliburton. In the mid-'90s they found themselves with a surplus of canvas waterboarding hoods, so they had sweatshops make them into messenger bags to sell to outer-borough idiots.
LIZ: You don't know what you're talking about. [She swivels so the BWL jeans label, which says "HAND-MADE IN USA," is facing Jack.] "Hand-made in USA."
JACK: Your magic jeans are from BWL? Oh, Lemon, it's not "hand-made in USA." It's pronounced "Hond-made in Oosa." The Hand people are a Vietnamese slave tribe, and Usa is their island prison. They made your jeans. You know how they get the stitching so small? [Whispers through his hand.] Orphans.
LIZ: No! Brooklyn Zack is real. He just got back from Peru, where he met a family that's been making hats for 2000 years.
JACK: We all make our compromises. At least I'm doing it for our company, for jobs. You're doing it [turning and shouting so everyone around can hear] for your ass.
LIZ [as JACK walks away]: I don't believe you. The liberal media would have told me about this.
JACK [turning back to face her]: There's no such thing. The New York Times is owned by NYT Incorporated, which is owned by Altheon Ballistic Dynamics, which is owned by the Murdoch family, which is owned [great dramatic two-hand gesture of surprise] by Halliburton.
[With JACK gone, LIZ is left with a wounded look on her face.]

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