Calendar Girl

-by NOAH

The Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute (CBLPI), a conservative “think” tank for femicons, is about to issue their new calendar for 2010. The calendar has a nice turn of the century (19th to 20th, of course) doily style cover and pictures a different conservative she-banshee for each month. That’s right; Malkin, Coulter, Bachmann… quite a drooling crew! Imagine having such a thing on your wall. Unlike last year’s calendar, which was titled with the exclusive sounding name “Pretty In Mink,” the 2010 calendar will be called (drum roll, please) “Great American Conservative Women.” Judging by the selections, the qualifications standards are necessarily loose. And, oddly, Sarah Palin is not included. Either she didn’t show up or the other girls just got their knickers in a twist over the fact that that Sarah girl gets soooo much attention.
 
What’s the purpose of this calendar? Is it to increase the bottom lines of pharma companies by increasing sales of anti-depressants to those who see the pictures every day, month in, month out? Is this calendar just meant to provide fantasy fodder for Rush Limbaugh because he can’t get a date anymore? Or, is it a subtle Republican tool designed to turn off young hetero Republican boys and “recruit” or “inflict” them into the world of homosexuality so there can always be a supply of closeted Republican candidates for the Senate and Congress? Does this calendar count backwards towards the good old days of the 19th century when everyone knew their place and slaves were slaves and robber barons were free to be robber barons? Will putting this on your wall save on air-conditioning? Want to freeze some meat? Just spike it to the picture of Ann Coulter.
 
The Washington Times describes the calendar as featuring “attractive right-leaning pundits and talking heads as role models for young conservative women.” Apparently, in true elitist fashion, the “not so attractive” need not apply. Miss (definitely not Ms.) October (and former Miss California contestant), Carrie Prejean is described as a “blonde bombshell.” Been a long time since I’ve heard anyone use that phrase. What’s next? “Broads?”
  
Just what is the CBLPI, you ask? Let me describe it this way. The CBLPI has signed on to the “Sotomayor is a racist” canard, her gender be damned, but, then, she is an “other,” a “that one.” I would think that Judge Sotomayor is a fine role model for any young woman, conservative or not. The CBLPI seems pretty conflicted. They claim-- it’s right on their home page-- that “Liberals want to make whites-- men especially-- feel guilty for being white, and to feel responsible for centuries of oppressing minorities.” I’m not exactly sure what they mean there. I guess, maybe to them, oppressing minorities is a good thing and that no one should have ever felt guilty about doing it. Regardless, I never felt that I should feel guilty about things that happened before I was even born or that I had no control over. And, I certainly would never have tried to oppress Judge Sotomayor and prevent her from advancing in her career by calling her a racist. I guess that if Sotomayor is a racist, then, by the CBLPI’s standards, her fellow justices Scalia and Alito must be really racist.
 
The CBLPI has also honored Phyllis Schlafly with a Lifetime Achievement Award. Schlafly is in the calendar. I vote for February. It’s the shortest month. The irony of Schlafly being included is astounding and obviously goes right over some heads. Schlafly has made a career of being the nation’s number one anti-feminist and has vehemently opposed the Equal Rights Amendment from Day One. So much for the calendar providing role models for young conservative women and the CBLPI helping them advance in the world. As I said, conflicted.
 
The institute also presented Liz Cheney with their 2009 Conservative Leadership Award. The official press release read in part:

…the institute chose Cheney to receive this honor because she is one of ‘few leaders in this country who is not afraid to stand up to the Obama administration on critical issues” and… ‘liberals do all they can to silence conservative women like Liz Cheney.'

As exemplified by the Cheney release, there’s lots of self-pity and “we’re so picked upon” in their press releases and press clips. There’s lots of carping about liberal college professors trying to convert young women students with pesky facts about history and all that science stuff. Christonut homophobe Carrie Prejean is described as having been “bullied” by Perez Hilton when he asked her about gay marriage. How dare anyone ask a question! How mean! Why Perez isn’t even of the same class! Speaking from her bunker in the big red state of altered reality, Prejean, stated “I was so honored to be in the Calendar as one of the great American conservative women.” Oh, you earned it, baby! Did she resist the temptation to mention her good looks? No way! “As a former beauty queen, it’s refreshing to be taken seriously” (by other blithering morons).
                                                 
In the calendar, each month not only includes a quote from each of the pin ups, but also a profound quote from each. Here’s the one from Luce, herself, a very accomplished conservative woman, who died 22 years ago and is probably spinning in her grave over some, if not all, of this years bumper crop of loons:

"In America we still believe in honesty and a fair day’s pay for a job well done.”

 
Yes. That’s if your job hasn’t been shipped out of the country they profess to give a damn about. Fair pay? Then, what’s all that union busting about, eh? Each calendar page also features a depiction of a past United States postage stamp. Tellingly, all of the stamps are from a long ago time, a golden conservative time when women just stayed at home, did the washing, choked off their aspirations, and baked cookies all day. There are no 44 cent stamps. Damn liberals raised all the postage rates! Also, there are any number of stamps with very accomplished women on them that could have been chosen. I have to think that many of them were conservatives and would have fit the bill. The stamp on the Coultergeist page celebrates the 300th anniversary of her native Connecticut. It’s a 3 cent stamp from 1935. The stamp for conservative book publisher Marji Ross features The Mayflower (perfect!), going further back to the 300th anniversary of Plymouth Rock. That was 1920 and the stamp is for 1 cent. Suffice to say, there are no stamps that celebrate a woman’s right to vote or the contributions of “others” such as Martin Luther King or Thurgood Marshall, although, to be fair, and I always want to be fair, there is Malkin and one African-American woman, Star Parker, gets a month. She is the last one shown in the Fox News online slide show of the calendar (“Oh, yeah. We included a… you know, no bias here!”). Political strategist Kellyanne Conway’s page offers a picture that speaks for itself. I don’t know about you, but that is one disturbing looking person. I would jaywalk in front of a battalion of LA cops to get to the other side of the street if I saw that coming towards me! They might even understand and let me go without a ticket! Bay Buchanan gives a shout out to “traditional morality” on her page. ‘Nuff said, Bay. At least, unlike your brother, you didn’t express regret that our country sided with England instead of Germany in WWII. See, women are more sensitive.    
 
I couldn’t find out about any details as to what days in the CBLPI conservative calendar year are considered holidays. I guess November 22nd would be one, as would April 4th and June 6th. I bet John Birch’s birthday is recognized.
 
Are there homemaking tips like how to have that special Republican man’s favorite cocktail ready when he comes home to you every evening, or how to keep his closet in order and his Confederate uniform pressed and clean for the weekend’s Civil War reenactment? Are there sewing patterns for turning old sheets into nifty KKK Halloween costumes for the kids? Who knows? I, for one, don’t intend buying the calendar. My dartboard is well-equipped with plenty of photos. Of course, if there’s ever a toilet paper shortage in this country…