Supreme Court in surprise Saturday session rules Obama ineligible for presidency, awards office to Jefferson Davis

Former Mississippi Sen. Jefferson Davis was designated
U.S. president today by the High Court.

EXCLUSIVE TO DOWNWITHTYRANNY

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Supreme Court ruled today by a unanimous 5-0 vote that Barack Obama is ineligible to be president and therefore was never legally elected.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia said: "There seems to be a lot of question as to whether Senator Obama was born in Hawaii, or wherever, or indeed whether he was born at all, and in the absence of proof -- and his birth certificate wasn't 'proof' of anything, since how could we know it wasn't forged? -- we had no choice but to rule that his so-called election didn't mean squat."

According to the opinion, which was joined by Chief Justice John Roberts and Justices Anthony "Candy Ass" Kennedy and Sammy "The Stoolie" Alito, Vice President Joe Biden's election was also overturned on the ground that "the Democrat ticket was fatally flawed by association."

Justice Clarence Thomas joined in the ruling but not the majority opinion. He said through newly appointed Supreme Court Communications Director Skip Skipperly that he had written a concurring opinion but that his dog ate it. "Besides," he was quoted as saying, "it's really none of your [expletive deleted] business anyway."

Replying to the question of who would now be president, Chief Justice Roberts said in a conference call with reporters from conservative media outlets across the country, "You mean Nino didn't mention that in his opinion? I suppose one of us really should have read it. I just hate it when he writes opinions while under the influence.

"Believe me, we kicked it around for a long time, I'll bet a good 20 minutes. The choice seemed pretty obvious, but after first receiving phone approval from U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, who is now the country's official top legal authority, we decided it's gotta be Jefferson Davis."

The onetime U.S. senator from Mississippi was considered by most experts consulted by DownWithTyranny an unexpected choice, but one that, in the words of Fox News commentator Karl Rove, "could unite all factions of the Republican Party, not to mention finally healing the rift left by the War Between the States and the ensuing Reconstruction period."

As to whether Senator Davis's death in 1889 might affect his availability to assume the presidency, the chief justice laughed and said, "Oh right, like Al Gore and John Kerry were the life of the party. Look, I'm not saying Democrat Party members can't ever be president, just that they won't be."

The way the ruling was reached, as much as the ruling itself, surprised many longtime observers of the High Court. One legal and constitutional expert, who asked not to be identified on the ground that "those nuts might burn my house to the ground," expressed himself "deeply, deeply surprised" by the departure from precedent involved, first, in holding a Saturday session and, second, in holding it without, apparently, so much as informing their fellow justices.

"No, we, I mean they, didn't actually tell those other people about the meeting," said a source close to Chief Justice Roberts who declined to identify himself and was granted anonymity on the ground that he's afraid to identify himself. "Actually, it wasn't so much a meeting as a conference call. Well, no, really, by the time we had the conference call we'd all seen the paperwork faxed by Justice Scalia and we were in agreement, so the phone call was just a formality and a chance to say hi to the colleagues we value."

Asked whether he was saying that the five teleconferencing justices don't value their four other fellow justices, Chief Justice Roberts quickly said: "Oh no, we value them fine. Actually, we didn't want to disturb them is what it was, especially since we had 'Candy Ass' Anthony on board, meaning they were just going to lose anyway. And I know one of them is Jewish, so a Saturday powwow would have been bad for her, and did I mention she's a woman? And there's another one who's a woman. And one guy who's so old, you wouldn't believe it. Shouldn't he be at home resting?

"Then there's that other guy, Stanley something, I think it is -- Stanley, Stu, Storm, something like that. Frankly, I never used to pay much attention to him in the old days back when we all deliberated together. But don't tell him I said that. Stan's a heckuva nice guy, and really not all that secure."

None of the four justices not included in today's ruling were available for comment. New Court spokesman Skipperly said at first, "Hmm, sorry. Stevens, Breyer, Ginsburg, Sotomayor? Nope, those names just don't ring a bell," then allowed, "My updated information is that they may have gone away for a long, long time."

Recently retired Justice David Souter, reached at his home in New Hampshire, declined to comment, except to say, "I'm not surprised. It's sort of what I expected."

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