As Seen Through Republican Eyes: Obama's Little Red Schoolhouse Kit

-by NOAH

Ever wonder why it’s called the Little red Schoolhouse? Republicans know why!

In fact, one of their number has procured a copy of President Obama’s upcoming address to school kids. Republican sources tell DWT that they have the real speech, and it’s not the decoy one that the White House has released on the internets! Our sources tell us that, in his soothingly hypnotic speech to young minds, the President will outline the contents of a kit that is being shipped, as you read this, to millions of pliable school-aged children across the land.
     
How was this devilish kit paid for? Well, have you ever wondered about so many postage stamp value increases in recent times? And, how about those Pentagon wrenches and screwdrivers that list or $1,700 a piece? This plot goes back decades, even before there was a communism, our source says. It wasn’t just Obama who was a plot, planned right down to phony birth announcements 48 years ago. You see, the Republicans have found us lefties out. We lefties even had a long running conspiracy to invent communism, hatched, no doubt, way back at the dawn of time itself-- 6000 years ago!
 
So, what, exactly is in this nefarious plot of a kit? What is this diabolical tool to brainwash the minds and rob the souls of our children? What is in it that will give aid and comfort to the commies that live under every bed, in the walls, and in every closet in Republican homes? What affronts their in-home shrines to Pat and Newt, and even the dear departed Joe McCarthy?
 
Since the nasty cat is out of the big red bag, we now reveal to you-- President Obama’s Little Red Schoolhouse Kit, available on ebay real soon! Republicans tell us that the speech begins…
 
“Good morning students (delivered in gentle, soothing tones). Please open the magical red box on each of your desks. Pull the lovely, satiny red ribbon with the yellow trim and a world of wonders will be open to you."

“Do each of you have your box open? Good. Now, first, please put on the red-tinted shades that you will find in the little holder on the left. Here, watch me as I put mine on. Wow, isn’t everything beautiful tinged in red? I’ve asked you to put on the shades because we are all about to open the lunch boxes in the kit. Notice the beautiful pictures of men and women working together for equal pay, building a better America. See how the pictures are framed with cute little hammers and sickles? Are you ready to open? Be prepared for a bright golden glow.”
 
“Now, once your eyes have adjusted to the brightness of the magic lunchbox, please, boys and girls alike, because we are all equal under my leadership, please, all of you, put on the little Fidel Castro beards and Fidel Castro caps. Fidel is a great, great man. He is king of a tropical paradise named Cuba. Can you all say Cuba? Please say it again. Now say Viva La Revolucion de Cuba! Say it loud! Louder, please. Say Viva la Revolucion de Cuba so loud that I can hear it in Washington!  Thank you that was good; better than an intern, believe me.”           
 
Our Republican source goes on to inform us that, in the lunch box are:
 
1. Sheets of peel off yellow stars, red stars, and hammers, and sickles with the instructions that these are to be awarded to friends for special achievements in learning about other cultures, mastering other languages, non-sciences like paleontology, climate change, and evolution, diversity, and, very important, turning in Republican parents to the authorities. “Under Obama-Ed, our source complains, “there are no gold stars, not even silver ones!” The commie themed peel offs are to be placed in the center of the foreheads of the children as they excel in the Obama-Ed curriculum. Even state champion spelling bee winners will now be referred to as “Champions Of The State”.
 
2. Three little books for the young students are included for them to memorize word for word. One is Chairman Mao’s famous Little Red Book. The second one is a special pop up picture version of Karl Marx’s Das Kapital. Lastly comes a new one: The Quotations of Chairman Obama, including his favorite verses from The Koran.
 
3. 2 number 2 pencils, one yellow, one red. Very subliminal, or, in Bushese, “subblubiminal”.
 
4. An iPod chock full of the speeches of Fidel Castro, Joe Stalin and Adolf What’s-His- Name.
 
5. Wallet sized photos of Stalin, Mao, Hitler, and Wellstone; commie-pinkos all, in Repug eyes. Details of history and form of government be damned.
 
6. An English Russian-Russian English Dictionary
 
7. And, finally, 3 Cuban cigars labeled Snak-Pak.
 
But wait, there’s more:
 
Our source says, “Remember all of that talk about school uniforms back in Clintonista times? Well, Clinton’s fellow traveler Obama is taking it several goosesteps further.”
 
“I have a very special additional treat for all of you. My comrades and I have arranged for each of you to get your own, very sharp and stylish school uniform. For you boys, we have the finest in Red Army attire, in super hero olive with red trim. Girls will get what we call in Washington, the Ilsa SS Uni! You’ll all love the fine Eastern European tailoring, the finest in the world. Don’t worry about the fit. Your measurements have been secretly obtained by your school nurses. Study hard and you will be able to add quite an assortment of shiny medals, cords, and ribbons. Please excel and wear the medals proudly!”
 
Lastly, comes the much publicized “How you can help President Obama” letter. The President has apparently borrowed (“Stolen!” says our Republican) from the great Soupy Sales:
 
“Comrade Students, you have heard much about my stimulus plan and a letter about how you can help me, Chairman Obama. You will notice an envelope in your boxes addressed to me at the Big White Palace, er, White House. Tonight, when you go home and your parents are sleeping, please go through their pockets and wallets and look for some pieces of green paper, the ones with bearded guys on them. Pull out a few and send them to me. Will you do it, comrade students? Remember, 5 is bigger than 2 or 1. You will be helping your country in ways you can only imagine right now, but, with you and I working together, the possibilities for your future are limitless. One day, you can have your own super tricked out limos and even a plane, just like I do! Say this: 'Yes we can!' Say it again children! Say it loud! Please, no matter how many parents you have, whether you have just one or whether you have a mommy and a daddy or two mommies or two daddies, can ya help a President out with some of those green pieces of paper? That’s more than just change we can believe in. Say it again. 'Yes. We. Can!' Thank you! Now please line up for glorious peoples’ ass chip insertion!”  
 
So, should we believe our Republican source? Is this all true, or is it the mad projections of the hidden agendas and dreams of Republicans upon the President? Is it all about their secret wishes for totalitarian government? Is it the President the authoritarian types wish for, or, is it just fear of a black President and not wanting their children looking up to a black man? Maybe, it’s just about place and not wanting every child to hold possibility in their young hearts and minds. I guess we will find out on Tuesday.
 
Back in 1969, I lived in Arlington, VA. Right in the most prominent part of town, even visible from Georgetown, was a huge billboard owned by George Lincoln Rockwell’s National Socialist White Peoples Party. The billboard often featured an ugly quote or two from the party leader. It also featured a phone number that you could call for a monthly “White People’s Power Message Of The Month.” Invariably, the message railed on and on about how the current President, a hateful conservative named Richard Nixon was, in deed and in fact, a secret COMMUNIST, a pinko lefty. Nothing could have been further from the truth, but what do facts matter to the factually and reason challenged? These people were the right of the right, the total loons, much like the people that yell about death panels, “youth in asia,” and being “a proud American terrorist” today. Even the Republicans of that time considered them the lunatic fringe. But that was back in 1969. Now, 40 years later, people like that are considered mainstream Republicans, wholeheartedly embraced by the Republican Party. They are the Republican Party. Progress?




UPDATE: Beyond Soupy Sales And The GOP Secessionists

My bud, Roland, teaches elementary school is Compton. He's been using President Obama as an inspiration for his students for a year with admonitions like "make President Obama proud of you" and "You can grow up to be like President Obama too." His class is really excited about having the President talk to them tomorrow-- and so are their parents.

So now it's time for a message to our non-Republican readers in the reality-based community-- here's the text of the talk the President is having tomorrow with America's school children:

Hello everyone-- how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us today. 

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it’s your first day in a new school, so it’s understandable if you’re a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you’re in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning. 
  
Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. A lot of times, I’d fall asleep right there at the kitchen table. But whenever I’d complain, my mother would just give me one of those looks and say, "This is no picnic for me either, buster."

So I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I’m here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I’m here because I want to talk with you about your education and what’s expected of all of you in this new school year. 

Now I’ve given a lot of speeches about education. And I’ve talked a lot about responsibility.

I’ve talked about your teachers’ responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn.
 
I’ve talked about your parents’ responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don’t spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox. 

I’ve talked a lot about your government’s responsibility for setting high standards, supporting teachers and principals, and turning around schools that aren’t working where students aren’t getting the opportunities they deserve.
 
But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world-- and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. 

And that’s what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has for your education. I want to start with the responsibility you have to yourself. 

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. That’s the opportunity an education can provide. 

Maybe you could be a good writer-- maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper-- but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor-- maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine-- but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team.

And no matter what you want to do with your life-- I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You’re going to need a good education for every single one of those careers. You can’t drop out of school and just drop into a good job. You’ve got to work for it and train for it and learn for it.

And this isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future. 

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. You’ll need the creativity and ingenuity you develop in all your classes to build new companies that will create new jobs and boost our economy. 

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems. If you don’t do that-- if you quit on school-- you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.

Now I know it’s not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges in your lives right now that can make it hard to focus on your schoolwork.

I get it. I know what that’s like. My father left my family when I was two years old, and I was raised by a single mother who struggled at times to pay the bills and wasn’t always able to give us things the other kids had. There were times when I missed having a father in my life. There were times when I was lonely and felt like I didn’t fit in. 

So I wasn’t always as focused as I should have been. I did some things I’m not proud of, and got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse. 

But I was fortunate. I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. My wife, our First Lady Michelle Obama, has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country.

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.
 
But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life-- what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home-- that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying. 

Where you are right now doesn’t have to determine where you’ll end up. No one’s written your destiny for you. Here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future. 

That’s what young people like you are doing every day, all across America. 

Young people like Jazmin Perez, from Roma, Texas. Jazmin didn’t speak English when she first started school. Hardly anyone in her hometown went to college, and neither of her parents had gone either. But she worked hard, earned good grades, got a scholarship to Brown University, and is now in graduate school, studying public health, on her way to being Dr. Jazmin Perez.

I’m thinking about Andoni Schultz, from Los Altos, California, who’s fought brain cancer since he was three. He’s endured all sorts of treatments and surgeries, one of which affected his memory, so it took him much longer-- hundreds of extra hours-- to do his schoolwork. But he never fell behind, and he’s headed to college this fall.
 
And then there’s Shantell Steve, from my hometown of Chicago, Illinois. Even when bouncing from foster home to foster home in the toughest neighborhoods, she managed to get a job at a local health center; start a program to keep young people out of gangs; and she’s on track to graduate high school with honors and go on to college.

Jazmin, Andoni and Shantell aren’t any different from any of you. They faced challenges in their lives just like you do. But they refused to give up. They chose to take responsibility for their education and set goals for themselves. And I expect all of you to do the same.
 
That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn. Maybe you’ll decide to take better care of yourself so you can be more ready to learn. And along those lines, I hope you’ll all wash your hands a lot, and stay home from school when you don’t feel well, so we can keep people from getting the flu this fall and winter.

Whatever you resolve to do, I want you to commit to it. I want you to really work at it. 

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work-- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things. 

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK.  Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." 

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.
 
No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.
 
Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.
 
And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you-- don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best. 

It’s the story of students who sat where you sit 250 years ago, and went on to wage a revolution and found this nation. Students who sat where you sit 75 years ago who overcame a Depression and won a world war; who fought for civil rights and put a man on the moon. Students who sat where you sit 20 years ago who founded Google, Twitter and Facebook and changed the way we communicate with each other.

So today, I want to ask you, what’s your contribution going to be? What problems are you going to solve? What discoveries will you make? What will a president who comes here in twenty or fifty or one hundred years say about what all of you did for this country? 
 
Your families, your teachers, and I are doing everything we can to make sure you have the education you need to answer these questions. I’m working hard to fix up your classrooms and get you the books, equipment and computers you need to learn. But you’ve got to do your part too. So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

Enough to scare the crap out of any America-hating right-wing extremist and all their mindless dupes. If you're one of them... go hang your head in shame and write on the blackboard, "I will stop being an asshole and stop listening to Glenn Beck and other traitors who will destroy America for their own profit" 100 times.