Me And The Tube

by Noah

I have, what some Americans might call, a strange relationship with my TV. No, not in a Republican-men’s room Wide Stance (TM-RNC) sort of way or a Sarah Palin “Don’t exploit my daughter. Here’s a new photo of her with her out of wedlock baby for the cover of US sort of way." Instead, it’s in a more kill the messenger sort of way. But, I have a suspicion that more and more people are, like me, keeping a big bag of old sneakers and shoes next to the couch. Now, in our house, we don’t have one of those new pricey High Definition TVs. Since neither my wife nor I see in High Def anymore, so what would be the point? The old set works fine and we intend to keep it as long as it works, which is why I came home last night and found that, since my aim is now so good with the old shoes, my wife had installed a chicken wire barrier around the TV. Fair enough. I kinda like the old southern roadhouse motif (Can I really combine the words "southern" and "roadhouse" with "motif?"). I just did! And, we both drink a lot of beer (Throwing the bottles is strictly forbidden. We’re civilized people right down to the straw on the floor.)

There’s a lot that sickens so many of us about what crap gets on the telly. Whole books have been written about it. People have even bamboozled universities into giving them doctorates for writing about it. Springsteen wrote a song called 57 Channels (And Nothin' On)about it. I get 25 times that now! Now that's what I call progress! More programming to advertise surefire Erectile Dysfunction cures and Wall Street Gone Wild DVDs on! Endless “reality” shows like Scavenger Hunt or The Not So Great Race or whatever name it goes by this season. To me, Gilligan's Islandwas the best reality show ever, so why would I watch Lost?  And, if I want to see inside an insane asylum, I’ll just put on Lou Dobbs, Wolf Blitzer, Joe Scarborough or anything on FOX “News.” But, there’s nothing more ludicrous than the constant face time that seemingly, EVERY channel gives to America’s favorite shovel-ready ex-VP, Dickhead Cheney. I think that if I put on the Food Channel just in time tonight, I might catch him broadcasting his famous recipes for eating live puppies and sauteed breakfast kittens, with horse penis garnish, no doubt.

BUT, there is one reality show that I would absolutely love. Ya know those endless prison shows on MSNBC and NATGEO? The one on NATGEO is called Lockdown. Every week, there’s a different variation of the theme. Last week was a variation on the ever popular women in prison theme, Lockdown: Female Felons. Different men (and women) watch that one for different reasons having to do with either sex or power or BOTH, or fashion tips. The show also does things like Lockdown: Gangs, Lockdown: Dealers, Lockdown: Kids Behind Bars, etc. You name it. If it can be put in a jail, they cover it. I’d suggest Lockdown: Banksters, but with Treasury Secretary Timmy Grifter and his trusty sidekick Sleazebag Summers saying that we should “look forward” and not prosecute their best buddies who brought on the collapse with their chicanery, there isn’t much chance of that. They might as well place signs on the doors at every bank that say “Bankrobbers Will Not Be Prosecuted.” But, here’s an episode of Lockdown that would be even better. They haven’t yet done the one show that would get the biggest ratings of all time, guaranteed. It would be the best one of all! Here it is-- Lockdown: U.S. Congress! It’s an all too human tragedy about politicians who threw away their right to respect when they sold their integrity to the insurance companies. Yes, they’ll be in federal prison where they belong for their bribe taking and other offenses against us, but watch as, despite it all, they still get government health care (for life!) and you don’t! Shoe sales will go through the roof!

Pull back from Noah's excellent fantasy for a moment and give Blue America a hand in either bringing one of the worst culprits to her senses or expelling her from the House of Lords (and Ladies).