Clarification: No matter what my words may inadvertently have suggested, I have not actually won a Nobel Prize, or a Pulitzer, or --

This is Sue Compton appearing on Oprah after winning the 2010 Pillsbury Bake-Off. Any suggestion by any person or persons that I was the winner is a misunderstanding for which I wish to officially and wholeheartedly apologize -- that is, in the event of any misunderstanding, which was wholly unintentional.

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News Alert: GOP Senate candidate Mark Kirk admits inaccurately claiming he received prestigious military award
05:20 PM EDT Saturday, May 29, 2010
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The Republican candidate for President Obama's old Senate seat has admitted to inaccurately claiming he received the U.S. Navy's Intelligence Officer of the Year award for his service during NATO's conflict with Serbia in the late 1990s. Rep. Mark Kirk (Ill.), a Navy reservist who was elected to Congress in 2001, acknowledged the error in his official biography after The Washington Post began looking into whether he had received the prestigious award, which is given by top Navy officials to a single individual annually.

For more information, visit washingtonpost.com:
http://link.email.washingtonpost.com/r/3873VC/D7OUI/8AOD29/CF53MT/4X47C/T3/t

by Ken

In this brave new world of pedantic literal-mindedness, I thought it might be well to clarify a few points on various CVs I may have circulated over the years, and unclear remarks I may have made over those same years. In order to spare my family, friends, and associates any additional anguish, I would like to set the record straight.

For example, in commenting on President Obama's receipt of the Nobel Peace Prize, I may have said something about being more deserving of it than he is, which could possibly have been interpreted as suggesting that I myself had won the prize. I can see where my observation to the effect that his receiving the prize demeans it for all of us could have been taken by some hearers to suggest that I was claiming to be a past winner of the prize. Similarly, my reference to having "run the table of the Nobels in 1988" could have been misunderstood to suggest that I won all of them that year, even though I'm not sure I could name all of the Nobel prize categories. I believe what I actually intended to say was that if they gave a Nobel for NYC subway route-planning, I would be a shoe-in.

And while we're clearing the air, although some things I've said or written might suggest otherwise, I have never actually won a Pulitzer Prize. Or, as long as we're on the subject, an Oscar, Emmy, Tony, or Obie award. Or a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Any suggestion that I won the Pillsbury Bake-Off is also a misunderstanding. I've never actually entered the bake-off, though I may perhaps have compared some of the "dreck" produced during the competition unfavorably with my own baked goods.

Finally, just to clear up any possible confusion, my reference to winning free "happy hour" drinks for myself and an unlimited number of friends at a local bar that awards this by means of drawings of customers' business cards left in a fishbowl, that was actually my friend Paul whose card was drawn. I actually don't have business cards, as of about 1998. I was, however, one of Paul's designated friends.

I stand by my statement that I was the recipient of a free 2010 calendar from my local supermarket, and for a number of years previous. In the interest of clarification, I believe I can produce the 2010 calendar, though perhaps not the previous ones.

Again, my apologies for any wholly unintentional misunderstandings. Um, we won't be taking any questions tonight. Thank you for your time, and drive safely.

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