Yoo! Who? Dick Of The Day!

I'm all for Democrats who are courageous enough-- like Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) and Jan Schakowsky (D-IL)-- to stand up and say, unambivalently "NO!" to torture, where Republican shitheads are dancing around and looking for shades of gray. But today's best blow against torture and torture apologists goes to Dickipedia for their newest entry: former Bush Regime torture attorney John Yoo:

John Choon Yoo (born June 10, 1967) is an American attorney, former U.S. Justice Department official, Berkeley law professor, writer of memos, foremost authority on routing the U.S. Constitution, alleged war criminal, and an all-around good person. It is important to note however that—though it contradicts all rational reason-- in this article, "an all-around good person" has been redefined narrowly to mean "a dick."

Yoo is an eminent scholar of the document known as the U.S. Constitution, though this refers specifically to an edition of it that is missing several amendments and has been integrated with entries from Vice President Dick Cheney's bedtime dream journal.

Having devoted his life to the common dick practice of redefining words to mean something different and more convenient, Yoo, during the course of one business day, redefined "acceptable behavior for a civilized nation" to "pretty much anything up to the reenactment of an Eli Roth movie."

Yoo's work is chiefly responsible for the supposed legal justification the Bush administration asserted for the use of "enhanced interrogation techniques," which is like a crazy corporate marketing-speak term for when the vendor fake drowns the consumer.

In his professional world, Yoo's work has caused him to stand out as a shining dick, which, considering this is the legal community we're talking about, is a major achievement in and of itself.

...While at the White House, Yoo authored a series of notorious memos that other people put their names on. In them, Yoo developed newer and narrower definitions for the concepts of "torture" and "habeas corpus" as well as, not to mention, the terms "ethics," "morals," and (from the look of him) "a modest lunch."

Lately, anonymous friends-- i.e., sneaky Mormons-- have been claiming that 9th Circuit Appellate Court Judge Jay "The Torture Lawyer" Bybee didn't really write the rah-rah-torture memo he signed and that he only signed it because Cheney might have tortured him if he didn't. Yoo, on the other hand, is proud to have taken a stand that puts him in the ranks of all the heroes of authoritarianism from Mussolini, Franco, Stalin, Marcos, Atilla and Caligula all the way down the shoot to Hitler and Cheney.