Bolstered By Their Newest Star, Newt Gingrich, The Catholics Are Attacking

Damn, I wish I had an mp3 of the Pop O Pies classic "The Catholics Are Attacking" so I could turn it into a videoclip starring Catholicism's newest pervert convert, Newt Gingrich. I released it on my indie label, 415 Records, in 1982, when Gingrich was just a Southern Baptist congressional backbencher and still only on his second wife.

They got a big a big contingent
Over 10 million strong.
Someday they're taking over
You know it won't be long

The Catholics are attacking
If the people only knew

They say their girls are virgins
And I believe them too
'cause I have seen the harm
The lack of sex can do

The Catholics are attacking
If the people only knew

They eat no meat on Friday
They have no fun on Sunday
They think they fool themselves
But they feel like shit on Monday

The Catholics are attacking
If the people only knew

The Catholics eating hearty
They're eating Shake 'n Bake
But at the Nazi Party
They eat ice cream and cake
Well they most want your children
Before the age of six
So they can break their brains up
To pull off future tricks

I used to play it, frequently, on KUSF, a Jesuit-owned radio station. They were actually pretty forgiving. Catholics tend to be. In fact, they've announced that all of Gingrich's many sins have been forgiven too, now that he's renounced the Baptist heresy and joined the One True Faith (today).

You see it isn't only a crazed reactionary cardinal and a pacel of child-molesting bishops who're kicking up a shit-storm about Notre Dame inviting President Obama to speak and receive an honorary degree, Newt has been twittering his disapprove as well: "It is sad to see Notre Dame invite President Obama to give the commencement address since his policies are so anti-Catholic values." I'm sure the Catholics are delighted to take whatever they can get, even a bomb-thrower like Gingrich and, besides, he has some experience dealing with being invited-- and unwanted-- at Notre Dame.

A similar kerfuffle erupted over the former House Speaker in 2005 when he spoke at Catholic University. Students then said Gingrich's support for the death penalty and his well-publicized marital infidelities violated the school's prohibition against speakers with positions contrary to Vatican teachings.

Somehow the Catholics never really cared that much about politicians embracing the death penalty and sexual exploits, not the way they get all out of their minds over women's choice. Today Max Blumenthal speculates that Gingrich intends his odyssey from "Republican pariah into a voice of conscience for the badly demoralized conservative movement" to a shot at the worthless Republican presidential nomination in 2012.

Catholic conservatives like Deal Hudson are brimming with excitement. Hudson was the most important Catholic political advisor to President Bush and Karl Rove, founder of the seminal Catholic journal, Crisis magazine, and self-described “theocon,” contends that Gingrich’s conversion represents more than a concession to his wife; it signals a dramatic break from the past, both personally and politically.

“From a Catholic point of view,” Hudson told me, “Newt’s sins no longer exist–they’ve been absolved. He’s made a fresh start in life. So Newt will continue to sin and confess but there aren’t going to be a lot of Catholics who will hold that against him. They understand why being a Catholic makes a difference.”

The Catholics celebrated the absorption of Gingrich with a snide and nasty attack on Hillary Clinton whose respectful visit to the Basilica of Our Lady in Guadalupe they attempted to turn into a typical right-wing political putdown, worthy of Bishop Mussolini.