No, terrorism junkies, no matter how much you kick and scream, you can't get one of these calendars -- unless you "know someone"

by Ken

We've had kind of a grim day in the trenches of the meltdown, so let's return to our pal Al Kamen for another pick-me-upper. In today's Washington Post "In the Loop" column, Al comes ever so close to solving your last-minute Christmas shopping problem.

365 Days, and Not a Single Cute Kitten

Only two shopping days before Christmas and you still haven't found that special something for someone who's got everything? Stress getting to you?

Relax. We've got you covered. It's the National Counterterrorism Center's beautiful 2009 weekly planner, more jampacked than ever with insights, safety tips, historical data, and fine photos and drawings. In the right side of the 5-by-9-inch spiral, each day lists notable events in recent terrorist history.

Did you know that Wednesday, Dec. 24 -- 7 Muharram in the Arabic calendar -- is the 21st anniversary of the sentencing in France of Carlos the Jackal, who got life for three murders back in 1975? The left-hand page has terrorism facts and wanted posters, reward information, and some clues to help you locate some very nasty characters.

As usual, the first up is Osama bin Laden, still with a $27 million reward to anyone "for information leading directly to [his] apprehension and/or conviction." This year, for the first time, there's an altered photograph of bin Laden so you can see what he might look like if he decided he'd had enough of the fast life in Waziristan and settled down, perhaps as maybe the assistant manager of a Wachovia branch in Arlington.

And there's plenty of time to get a gift -- maybe a Predator missile strike? -- for bin Laden's birthday, which has been listed as July 30. Going to be a little harder to find Qari Mohammad Zafar, who is a suspect in a 2006 Karachi bombing. You can pick up $5 million for him, but the picture isn't a very good likeness. In fact, it's just a dark silhouette cutout. (He must be a shadowy figure.)

Somewhat distressingly, the calendar's most-wanted list continues to include many of our longtime favorites, such as Faker Ben Abdelaziz Boussora, a Canadian, who hasn't been caught even though he's got "prominently protruding ears and is believed to have a serious pituitary gland illness." Not to mention a need for serious orthodontic work on the uppers. A bounty of $5 million for Faker.

There's $10 million for former Taliban chief Mullah Omar, who's proven elusive even though he's blind in one eye from a shrapnel wound. (Maybe there are a lot of Afghans around Kandahar with that condition?)

One problem with the calendar is that, as these terrorist attacks continue, they are filling up all the space you need to jot down luncheon engagements or grocery lists. For example, Sept. 20, which next year is the last day of Ramadan, has so many memorable and not-so-memorable moments -- such as the anniversary of "US, EU pledge partnership against terrorism," there's hardly any space left. (Might be time to edit down some of the entries.)

The calendar also has helpful hints on what to do when there's an alert of an impending attack. For example, say there's a suspicious-looking white van on the street. If it's packed with explosives, then you need to run like hell until you're about half a mile away.

Or perhaps you're in a park and you see a "low-hanging cloud" at ground level. That "might be a sign of a chemical attack," your calendar warns you. But it may not be. So look for lots of animals or insects suddenly dropping dead. Or maybe you'll see "Numerous individuals experiencing unexplained water-like blisters, wheals" (similar to bee stings), who are all choking, coughing or keeling over. Probably too late, but you should try to repeat the action you took above.

Now you won't be able to buy this beautiful calendar just anywhere. Actually, you won't be able to buy it at all. A downloadable version should be available in January, but only 40,000 copies of the real thing are being printed. That's what makes it so special.

The calendar is given as a gift to folks in the counterterrorism community -- the intelligence spooks at the CIA, DIA, FBI and so forth -- and to visiting dignitaries and counterparts from allies or frenemies.

So you have to be in the business -- or know someone.

Well, at least you should be able to download it in January, though I'm not sure how well your home printout will work as a calendar. (For the 2008 calendar, the NCTC website offers both an "Online Multimedia Version" and a "Daily Planner Printable Version.") Still, for those hardest-to-shop-for people on your holiday list, you can always make up a gift card promising a wonderful surprise sometime in the new year.

Otherwise, you'll have to start asking around to see whether by chance you happen to know people who know people who know people who . . .


TOMORROW MORNING: SARAH PALIN REVEALS HER "BIGGEST MISTAKE"!

Can you guess what it is? Actually, you're going to be asked what it is, so get your thinking cap on now. If you want to start guessing, we're going to put up a post tonight around 8pm PT where you can get down your guesses.

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