In time for the GOP 9/11 revels: McCranky and Gov. Who??? as fashionistas (well, T-shirts, anyways), plus Noah surveys even hotter Repug memorabilia

"'Country First' means their elite status, their families, their economic security, their religious beliefs, their legal interests -- their country -- before yours. If there's suffering and sacrifices, then it's your turn to be first!"

-- Allen Bukoff, designer of this T-shirt (link below -- thanks, Noah!)

by Ken

The above is my favorite from a series of inspired T-shirt couture creations offered in do-it-yourself download-and-press-on form at Political Punk (The political handouts of Allen Bukoff). (Thanks to Noah for passing along this link. You'll find his own spin on the subject below.) You can actually download the texts and images in separate versions to press onto light and dark T-shirts. Regarding this design, Allen appends an apologetic note: "My older sister is going to yell at me for the 'bitches' part of this, but I can't resist."

I like to think his sister will understand.

There's also:

* Celebrating Young Johnny's height-challenged stature --

MIDGETS
for
McCain

with Young Johnny's head at wearer's crotch level.

* In honor of the Crankyman's latter-day embrace of the racist Nixonian "Southern strategy" --

WHITE PEOPLE
for
McCain

with a hooded Ku Klux Klan gathering shot at crotch level. Allen explains: "Simmering, brooding racist white men are McCain's base and Obama is their nightmare. 'Community organizers' is code for 'liberal nigger lovers.' Hell, 'liberal' is, too. John McCain is a proud descendent of Mississippi slave owners. You might not have known that . . . but everyone in the South does." (He adds: "This T-shirt could also just as easily have the title 'Evangelical Christians for McCain' and use the same picture.")

* And finally, requiring hardly any explanation --

Yes, that's the McCranky noggin substituted for that of Slim Pickens, riding his nuclear bomb to glory at the end of Dr. Strangelove. "Republicans," Allen points out, "have become great at winning elections . . . and a complete disaster at governing."


AVAILABLE AT WALMART?

By Noah

Perhaps if you go to the back of the store, point to your shirt and take two goose steps, a clerk will appear from a hidden doorway, and if you utter the magic words "states' rights," "necktie party," or "oven-ready," you will be ushered into a secret room for Repugs only, a dream world where you can buy the shirts depicted above, and also put on a McCain mask and proudly reenact --

* McCain voting against Martin Luther King Day,

* McCain pocketing Keating Five bribes,

* McCain calling the lovely Cindy McC the C-word,

* or McCain rubber-stamping Bush legislation over 90 percent of the time!

You can not only buy the shirts, you can buy the sheets. (Hoods are extra!) You can buy the Rudy Julieandrews doll, complete with dress-up options -- plus makeup and lipstick! Pull the string in the back of his head, and an incessant rush of "9/11"s spews from the doll's mouth! Perfect for today's big Republican holiday! There's also a hot-selling new Sarah Palin doll that calls Senator Obama "Sambo." And a Bill-O doll that just drools, and a Sean Insanity doll in a straitjacket, but those don't seem to sell as well anymore. Certainly not as well as the Coultergeist Crack Ho doll (also available as a blow-up).

The room also features wall-to-wall flat-screen monitors that show things like:

* Fox News, 24/7

* Tom Brokaw practically kissing Rudy during an NBC interview at the Repug Konvention last week

* Monica Lewinsky smoking a cigar

* Leni Riefenstahl's films of Hitler's rallies

* the Zapruder film from Dallas

* security-camera film of Larry Craig in an airport

* and other moments in history that Repugs find so inspiring.

You can buy vacations for entire summers of Civil War reenactments, dumping oil on endangered species, and cheering for hurricanes! There are inflatable Clinton you can punch as hard as you want (but they bounce right up! annoying, isn't it?), illegal handguns and automatic rifles, mouth-watering portraits of uninspected produce, bronze busts of Dan Quayle and Rush Limbaugh, Ted Nugent signed crossbows, brand-new signed copies of Sarah Palin's My Hundred Favorite Lies pop-up book (lots of easy-to-understand pictures too!), Sarah Palin antler hats, creationism textbooks for that vital home schooling/indoctrination, underwear with biblical verse quotes on the butt, "Abstinence Only" baby rattles, and assorted bumper stickers including "Science Is Evil," "No Gay -- No Way," and "Flanders for President."

There's no end to the goodies available in the secret Repugs-only room! But, I've saved the best for last. There's another room, an additional double-secret room, a room of mud -- two feet of mud, to be exact -- and a pig! If you don't mind getting a little dirty, you can wrestle the pig with one arm while you try to apply lipstick to the slippery, downright slimy, squealing critter.

Oh, that's right, any Repug in good standing would simply pay to have someone else wrestle the pig. [Possibly someone whose immigration paperwork isn't checked too closely? -- Ed.]

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