THERE'S OIL ON THEM THAR PLAINS!

By NOAH

Come and listen to a story that, for some reason hasn't really hit the mainstream media, yet. The story, at least part of it, goes like this. There's an area out in the badlands of western North Dakota and Idaho called the Bakken Shale formation. It's an area of alfalfa and wheat farms that have seen better days in the past and, apparently, are about to see much better days, at least financially, than ever before. The Bakken, as it is called, stretches across 200,000 square miles into Montana and up into the Saskatchewan province of Canada. Two miles down below the waving wheat sits what oil geologists estimate is up to 500 BILLION barrels of OIL. We've all heard about the "desperate need" to drill on the north slope of Alaska. That's 60 billion barrels there, a mere pittance. Maybe that's not so important anymore. Although, I'm sure we'll continue to hear from Big Oil Republicans that, yes, it absolutely is necessary to sully that pristine wildlife refuge, too, and the sooner the better, if only so Alaska can finally build that bridge to nowhere. The Bakken is the biggest oil find in North America, at least in a very long time.

This whole thing has a lot of ramifications, of course. From the local angle, the Minot, ND school commissioner has been told to expect an influx of 1000 kids in his school system as families from south of the Dakota border come in looking for oil work by the truckload. The same city has come up with $600,000 in start up money for an oil field service company, named Pure Energy USA, which will employ up to 80 people. You can bet that right now, oil company lawyers are brushing up on the scheming skills they learned in law school, figuring out ways to seize resource rights, literally right out from under landowners' property; all in the interest of national security, of course. Will there be any local Jed Clampetts? Will slithering Texas oilmen be playing cards for the local Elly Mays? Or, will people just be bulldozed off their land in the name of oilman greed and happiness. Bigger picture? How about a Hollywood remake of Giant starring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and, featuring William Huang in the James Dean role? On the geo-political front, does this make for Arab jealousy and fear of losing some of their power over us and the world economy? Will our country have a slightly less compromised foreign policy? Can we stop jumping every time the Saudi Royals say jump, Bush or no Bush? What will Fargo look like in 20 years? Dubai?

An even more interesting question might be this; why now? You see, this story is just coming to the surface. The machine has just kicked in. If our country had serious news organizations, this story would already have prominence. However, if only because of the money involved, the media will no doubt be covering this story soon, but it's an old story. Only the activation of the wheels of commerce is what's new. This oil was discovered as long ago as the 1950s. We simply lacked the technology to extricate it from the earth then. More recently, we had the technology but, at $50 a barrel, it wasn't profitable to the oilmen (OK, oilwomen, too, if there are any. Maybe there are, since Kindasleeza Lice has a tanker named after her, for real). The oil in the Bakken is now considered "economically recoverable" as oily folks love to say. This oil is in the shale. It's harder and more costly to extract. A price per barrel of over $100 has enabled this situation. The process takes a bit longer, but, the rush to North Dakota has begun. Oil drillers such as Brigham Explorations and Northern Oil and Gas are announcing their discoveries and progress. Naturally, investors are putting their cash on the table. That's right; a lot of money the oil companies are spending doesn't come out of their record profits. It comes from investors. Is this all a fringe benefit of temporarily disabling the Iraqi oil fields, or was it part of a master plan all along? An elaborate giant price fix plan with a giant agenda? Is it too late to buy land in the Dakota/Idaho area? Should the oilfield be nationalized? Fat chance of that one. Think of all of the state legislators getting in line for their piece. What if a state banking system grabs for the whole thing? Where does Canada fit in, since part of the oil field is north of the border? Are they soon to be called part of the axis of... Stay tuned. Boomtowns on the prairies.

So often, oil is found in some of the most inhospitable places; the dustbowl of Oklahoma, the North Sea, the deserts of the Middle East, Texas... As all good Republicans know, God created this substance on which the world turns out of stinking, rotting vegetation and dino poop 6660 (10 X 666) years ago on a Tuesday afternoon in October and, we, in turn beg for it. We worship it and will go anywhere for it, even in the dead of winter on the northern plains. Dress warm, ye Texans. Think of the money, and that isn't the wind you hear, it's the laughter of a god with a sadistic sense of humor and a great sense of irony.