REPUBLICAN SECRET GAY CODES CRACKED-- WHAT LARRY CRAIG, BOB ALLEN AND THE REST OF THE GOP CLOSET CASES ARE TRYING TO TAP OUT IN THE TOILETS

I can't say that I'd ever heard about all the tapping and hand signals in public toilets before Larry Craig got outed by Officer Karsnia in the Minneapolis Airport restroom. I knew some gay guys met that way but I thought that was in the old pre-liberation days when the humpy toilets were called cottages (U.K.), tearooms (U.S. and Canada), and beats (Australia). What I didn't realize is that there are still hundreds of thousands of closet cases (i.e.- Republican gays) who still meet each other in public restrooms. And they have their own codes and signals. All my friends are out and I don't know any Republicans. Fortunately, the newest issue of Out exposes the entire previously secretive GOP gay code. Don't try this if you're a normal gay person. This is just for Republicans.

Toe tapping: "Howdy, neighbor. Let's fuck."
Suitcase placed to block under-stall visability: "God can't see us now. Let's fuck."
Wink through door cracks: "I'm not gay. I'm just a 'man who has sex with men.'"
Eye contact and $20: "If anyone catches us I'm going to say something racist. It's still better than being a faggot."
Two toe taps followed by hand swiped under stall divider: "You seem like the kind of guy who's into manicures. All those sorts are usually into sucking my dick."
Hand swipe with prominent wedding ring: "I've voted to change the Constitution so that we could never get married, but I never voted against sucking your dick."
Hand swipe with a prominent tan line where a wedding ring should be: "My wife is momentarily not at my side. There's no one to stop my dick from accidentally falling into your mouth."
Hand swipe with cigar "That thing that Monica did to Bill that made me vote to impeach him... do it to me."
Passing the classified section under the stall: "I voted against giving you employment protection, so I'm offering you a blow job."
Placing hand on heart: "I voted against the hate-crimes act because I'm a lover... hopefully yours.
Glance through divider while crosiing oneself: "If someone spots us, I'm going to say I was looking for Jesus in your crotch."
Closed fist under divider: "I voted for the Defense of Marriage Act, and everyone knows the best defense is an offense."
Clicking heels while pissing: "I'm a friend of Dorothy. And Jeff Gannon."
Open palm under divider: "Do you have any toilet paper? I've run out of the Constitution."
Flushing repeatedly: "Romney-Giuliani in '08!"

Presumably when they catch Lindsey Graham we'll have a whole new set of secret gay codes-- the bandana code. But even that meets the tea room circuit and-- I am not making this up-- of you wear a doily it means you like meeting sex partners in public toilets-- on the left if they are a top or on the right if they are a bottom. Anyone want to guess on which side Lindsey wears his doilies?

Democrats are less ambiguous about their signals. Barack Obama, for example, signaled to gay people that he isn't interested in their votes by having an outspokenly homophobic singer/preacher, Donnie McClurkin, headline his Embrace the Change concert in South Carolina.

MINI-UPDATE: OBAMA DEFENDS HIS IN-HOUSE HOMOPHOBE: Obama claims his gay bashing singing preacher only wants to "cure" unhappy gays, not the happy ones. Presumably Larry Craig is a happy one-- or at least a happier one-- since he's been using campaign donations to pay thousands of dollars in legal bills stemming from his bust in the toilet. This isn't legal. I have a suggestion for the senator about how he could make a great deal of money. More than 90% of the delegates attending next year's Republican National Convention to nominate their party's sacrificial lamb will arrive through the same airport were Craig was arrested for his toe-tappin' and hand signals. I have a feeling delegates-- and others-- would pay the traditional GOP $20 for a photo of themselves with Senator Craig in front of the stall where it all went down.