Say, before all hell broke loose, did anyone even know who Miss USA was?

(1) TV'S CRAIG FERGUSON GETS "AMERICA'S CREEPY UNCLE" TO SEND TARA TO "TRUMP'S TRAMP REHAB"

From last night's, er this morning's, Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson:

It's a great day for America, everybody. Why? Oh, I'll tell you why. Actually, this is good news. Donald Trump--you know, America's . . . Trump . . . [laughter] . . . uh, I don't know what the hell he is, actually. What is he? America's creepy uncle, Donald Trump [laughter] is allowing Miss USA to keep her crown, because last night we were talking about this, we speculated Trump was going to fire Miss USA for underage drinking and making out with Miss Teen USA [laughter]. That actually happened. Not just in my dreams, it really happened. [laughter]

Anyway, Miss USA got into an awful lot of trouble. I don't know what, Miss Teen USA seems to have skated. She's getting off with it. [laughter] I can't say a thing here. [laughter] Anyway, Miss USA got in a lot of trouble, and we suggested another option, that rather than fire her, we said, why not send her to Trump's Tramp Rehab? [laughter] Send her. And Trump obviously watches the show, because that's what he's doing. He's sending her to rehab.

[We don't want to name names, but Katie Blair (Miss Montana) is Miss Teen USA 2006. Hmm, we did just kind of name names, didn't we? No, we don't have any photos of Miss USA and Miss Teen USA together. And we wouldn't print them if we did. Okay, maybe we would print them if we had them. But we don't.--Ed.]

So I think underneath that threadbare comb-over, there's [laughter] . . . underneath that strange mat-like hat, there is a heart of gold--a heart of gold with "Trump" written on it. He's like a five-year-old, this guy, has to write his name on everything. [imitating] "That's mine, "Trump!"


(2) JON STEWART WONDERS: "WHO HAS THE MORAL AUTHORITY TO ABSOLVE THIS WOMAN OF HER SINS?"

From last night's Daily Show:

JON STEWART: Everyone knows I'm a bit of a news junkie, but here's something you might not know about me: I'm also a bit of a pageant queen. What can I say? I love the glamour, the sequins, the baton-twirling, the violence. [laughter] So you can imagine my concern this week . . .

[NBC's David Gregory reporting]
Last April 20-year-old Tara Conner, who is from the tiny town of Russell Springs, Kentucky, became the first woman from her state to win the coveted Miss USA title. But word on the street is that her tiara is now tarnished. There have been reports of drug use, drinking, scandalous behavior, allegedly with men and women . . .

JON STEWART [making a facial gesture of "whoo!" as audience whoops]: Clearly the crowd disapproves. [laughter] I mean, they'd expect behavior like that with a whore like Miss Illinois. But Miss Kentucky? Whew, well, you'll never make it to Miss Universe with bisexuality. [laughter]

So the media was in a dilemma. How breast . . . I'm sorry, how best to show their outrage--how best to show their outrage?

[FOX & FRIENDS: "TIARA TAKE-AWAY?"--voiceover, over collage of video of Tara skimpily clad]
Today she may actually lose her crown because of what they've called her bad-girl behavior. Claims of alcohol use, and testing positively for cocaine.

MAN WITH BRITISH ACCENT: Obviously she's overstepped the line.

FEMALE VOICEOVER: She was caught smooching with Miss Teen USA.

JON STEWART: Yes, apparently not only is Miss Kentucky an out-of-control party whore. Apparently she's never been filmed clothed. [laughter] So what do you, [barely able to get words out for the excitement] hot woman who likes to make out with other hot women, have to say for yourself?

TARA: We all have personal demons that we have to face at some point or other. My personal demons are my personal demons.

JON STEWART: "My personal demons are my personal demons. I . . . get hammered and make out with hot chicks." Wait a minute, you know what's so weird? My personal demons . . . pay to see your personal demons. [laughter]

But who has the moral authority to absolve this woman of her sins?

DONALD TRUMP: I've always been a believer in second chances. Tara is a good person. Tara has tried hard. Tara is going to be given a second chance.

JON STEWART [doing a sort of impersonation of The Donald that's more than vaguely reminiscent of his impersonation of Chimpy the Prez]: "To help me milk all the extra publicity and exposure I can out of this second-rate pageant that I bought ten years ago as an excuse to nail girls like Tara." [applause] This is . . . I mean, anybody who makes out wid hot chicks, I think deserves to be rehabilitated. [laughter]

Yes, in the end Tara Conner was given a reprieve, and it was quite emotional. She's keeping her crown. I think Tara said it best . . .

TARA [in a hoarse voice, emotional]: I want to thank all of the people that have been behind me."

JON STEWART [looking surprised, audience is whooping it up]: Adding, "time permitting."