Quote of the day: How do we reduce Lewis Black's new HBO special to a single quote? Here he's vetted for fitness to entertain the president

Last night HBO offered the first showing of its new Lewis Black comedy special, Red, White & Screwed. It's wonderful, and all but impossible to reduce to a simple quote—unless you count the climax of his elaborate deconstruction of the vice presidential mode of quail "hunting": "They've turned a petting zoo into Auschwitz."

The puny sampling that follows—a bonus will be offered in a comment—comes from his account of "the strangest job I've had in quite some time": speaking at the Congressional Correspondents' Dinner, which would be attended by the president. (In fact, because the president had to fly off to the pope's funeral, it wound up being the vice president! Lewis pronounces this a papal miracle, making the president disappear. The substitution of the vice president he attributes to the pope knowing "I'm a J-yew.")

Off the bat, he can't believe they're asking him. ("I said, 'Have all the other comics died?' I said, 'Have you seen my act?'") He's inclined not to take the job. But under pressure from his parents, who are in their late 80s—and in the audience—and are still living in the D.C. area ("You better fucking take it! We've lived here all our lives. We never get to see shit like that"), he agrees. Later, however, he hears back from his contact, who is clearly sheepish.

The White House, it turned out, had called, and wanted to know if I was going to bash the president. I said, "I hadn't thought of it until just this moment." [Audience goes wild.]

"I am certainly not going to bash the president." He asked me to do my act—he apologized, he said, "I really hate to do this to you, but you know, if it was up to me, I'd think it'd be fine, because I think the president has a great sense of humor," and I said, "I will be the judge of THAT."

And then he said the reason he had to hear the act was because the president's handlers wanted to know what I was going . . . to say [now each word is very emphatic] . . .in order to be . . . sure . . . that . . . the president . . . could . . . handle it.

[Long pause.] That's the joke. I've got no joke. I've tried to come up with a joke, but it's the kind of thing, you say it, and it's like you eat too much ice cream and your head freezes and it's eerie.

The president has handlers. I know that Bill Clinton had a handler, I know that. But handlers, the president has handlers. WHAT IS HE, LIKE A BEAR? What do they need, a big chunk of meat to get him from meeting to meeting? "Come on! Come on! Let's go into here. We're going to Air Force One."

He needs HANDLERS? Are you kidding me? The president who said to terrorists, "Bring it on"? The dumbest thing ever uttered, by anyone, anywhere. [Audience goes wild.]

He's the president. He's the leader of the Free World. And I am Schmucky the Clown. You mean to say, I could say something, and he would laugh so hard, his head would start spinning, and he'd be spittin' up, and then he'd jump up and start going nuts, and running around—"Holy fuck, get the meat, somebody get the meat! Jesus, get the meat already!" Fuck, he's out in the audience, he's biting Democrats.

(Afterward, Paul Wolfowitz comes up to Lewis's parents and hugs them both. Now, Lewis's parents hate Paul Wolfowitz. But they can't say anything to him because Paul Wolfowitz likes their son. Their final word to Lewis: "Don't you ever do anything like this bullshit again!")

[Note: The show is repeated tonight (Sunday) on HBO2 at 9:45, and will no doubt continue to roll around the HBO listings for years to come. You really don't want to miss it. And as promised, a bonus excerpt will be offered in a comment—a snippet in which Lewis imagines how gays might destroy families. As soon as I type up my scribblings.]