If Jack Abramoff invested a million dollars in Edwin Buckham, why shouldn't I entertain offers?

[Republicrook-in-chief Tom] DeLay's lawyer, Richard Cullen, disputed the accounts of [hopelessly corrupt former DeLay aide Edwin] Buckham's influence. . . .

[Republicrook secretary-treasurer Jack] Abramoff, for his part, once boasted that he had invested a million dollars in Buckham, according to a former Abramoff colleague who said he witnessed the conversation. Abramoff expressed confidence that the funds would bring a good return for his clients, the colleague said.

—from today's Washington Post


Normally I don't take all these Republicrook scandals personally. All that wacky cash, with all those zany zeroes, floating all over the damned place—there's nothing there I can relate to.

When you put it like this, however, how can I not take notice? Abramoff invested a million dollars in Buckham. Zowie!

Why didn't I ever think of this? This is just what I need, to have someone invest a million dollars in me. I've been putting off that haircut a dangerously long time now. (You know what a haircut costs these days, right?) And even at Payless, a new pair of shoes is, well, a capital expense. (Do you have any idea how long it's been since I bought a new pair of shoes?) Yup, a million bucks sounds just about right.

Now the question is, What can I do by way of return on this $1 million investment?

I don't have a whole list ready. After all, I just started thinking about it a few minutes ago. But here's what I've come up with so far:

* If my investor needs any signs hand-lettered, I print pretty neatly—and also do a rather nice outline-shadow effect with the lettering.

* I could program his DVR. (I've finally begun to figure out some of the tricks of scheduling series recording. I still don't know why the thing didn't record last week's new Law & Order, though. It says quite plainly that it's supposed to be recording any new episode, any time or day. For heaven's sake, don't mention this to my potential investors.)

* I can do a decent omelet. It doesn't always look pretty, but it usually tastes pretty good. (Even yesterday, when there was clearly too much filling to keep the thing, you know, tidy. It really didn't even look that bad when it was folded onto the plate, and in my defense, was I really going to skimp on the mushrooms when they were on sale for 99 cents for the 8-oz container? Once I have that million in the bank, I'll be able to afford to buy mushrooms even when they're, you know, $1.79, so I won't be so greedy when they're on sale.)

* I have what I can only describe as an uncanny knack for finding great buys in classical CDs. (C'mon, there's bound to be someone interested in taking advantage of this remarkable skill.)

* I used to know all the state capitals, and could probably still come up with most of them. (And the ones I might be a bit fuzzy on now, really, how important are they?)

* I've seen every episode of The Sopranos at least twice. (Except last night's, which I've still seen only once. But again, by the time the money's in the bank . . . )

That's about it for now, but like I said, I've only started on the list.

Note to interested investors: So maybe we could talk about half a million for starters? You see, I'm not unreasonable. Leave a message, and I'll get back to you.