Would you believe, the president's mother about to be replaced?

Would you believe:

In Broad White House Shake-Up, President's
Mother Said to Be Targeted for Replacement

Made-up news, exclusive to DownWithTyranny
WASHINGTON, Nov. 13--In response to President Bush's plummeting poll numbers, as well as the alarming results of last Tuesday's elections, the president's mother will soon be replaced, say high-level White House sources who have been involved in the planning sessions.

The sources indicate that the decision to replace the First Mother, Mrs. Barbara Bush, has already been finalized. The only reason for the delay is to find a suitable replacement.

"Look at at this way," said a source with first-hand knowledge of the discussions. "The polls tell us that 78 percent of the American people now think that the president is 'a vicious lying scumbag who's a danger to every living creature.' Now who does that immediately make you think of?"

A White House source with direct knowledge of the president's thinking said, "Obviously he's not happy about this. He thinks that, okay, maybe she hasn't done all that great a job, but she's been in the job all these years, so where's the harm in letting her keep at it?

"Frankly," the source continued, "I think he's afraid of how the old lady will take the news. She has, uh, shall we say, a sharp tongue, which she has always used quite freely where her eldest son is concerned.

"But in the end, the president agreed that what has to be done has to be done."

There were conflicting reports regarding candidates being considered to replace Mrs. Bush. Most sources discounted reports that White House Counsel Harriet Miers is the front-runner.

"It's true Harriet's name came up," said the source with first-hand knowledge of the discussions. "At one point the question was raised whether the nominee will require Senate confirmation, and somebody said we should run it past the counsel. Somebody else said, 'I don't think so. You know what happens when we ask Harry to help us fill a job.'"

But apparently there is other foundation for the Miers rumors. A source outside the White House who is familiar with the president's thinking said, "He's often said he wonders what it would be like to have 'a mom who treats me with a little respect--you know, someone like Harry.'"

Other candidates believed to be under consideration include retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, media icon Joan Rivers, "that lady down to the barbecue joint out by the county line," entertainer Cher, "that saint lady from Asia, you know, Mama Whatshername, Tracey," television personality Ellen DeGeneres, and singer Dolly Parton.

One early-front runner is said to have moved quickly and forcefully to take herself out of the running. Presidential favorite Karen Hughes, currently seving as under secretary of state in charge of really screwing up international relations, is quoted as saying, "I mean I love that man to death, but no way I want to be his mama."

Early feelers put out to former President Bill Clinton are said to have been rebuffed with the curt reply that the former president's mother is, first, unavailable and, second, deceased. The source familiar with the current president's thinking indicated that he's "not unalterably opposed to a candidate who's nonliving."

Former President Jimmy Carter declined through a spokesperson to comment on whether any approaches have been made concerning his late mother.

A possible obstacle arose in the form of an objection from one of the president's younger brothers, Neil A. Bush. A spokesman for Mr. Bush acknowledged that he had expressed concern as to whether "my mom will still be my mom" after the proposed changes. "She's the only one stuck up for me when I had my troubles," Mr. Bush is reported to have said.

One of the White House sources countered: "Look, if it's the old lady's time to go, it's time to go. As to Neil, do you think we don't know how to shut that twerp up?"

It appears that no serious consideration has been given at this time to replacing the president's father, former President George H.W. Bush. "Hey, everybody knows the old man is just as monstrous as the old lady," said the same White House source, "but people seem to think he's just some old goof.

"Besides," the source continued, "the president has no purpose in his life except to humiliate his father by showing him up as president."