GUEST COLUMN FROM THE DESK OF PHILBERT SUGGS, A LETTER TO BILL BENNETT

From: The Desk Of PHILBERT SUGGS

To: William Bennett
Host of "Bill Bennett's Morning in America" Nationally syndicated radio show
Former Secretary of Education
America's First "Drug Czar 1989-1990

Dear Mr. Bennett,

My name is Philbert Suggs and I'm a god fearing patriotic Christian outdoorsman who believes that we have the moral and biblical duty to gun down White Tail Buck with 50 Caliber 260gr Jacketed Pyrodex coated tactical bullets.
Any-who...
Although you were only using a hypothetical situation yesterday on your impressive radio show when you said  "[Y]ou could abort every black baby in this country, and the crime rate would go down"
Let me say sir, you was, as the kids today would say "true dat."
However, you must imagine why so many Americans are upset with you now. They are angry, they are horrified and quite disgusted with what you said. And I must say Bill, that I'm surprised at you. You know as well as any right-wing Republican talking points officers that you could have chosen any number of hypotheticals to prove to your point. To prove to your angry, scared, insecure white male audience that the black Americans here in the united states are the main reason the crime rates here abroad are so high at the top of the crime charts.
For instance, you could have used the beautiful "if we shipped them back to Africa " hypothetical, which has always been the go to example among right-wingers for centuries now.
Or, you could have gone with the "build more prisons" hypothetical which is hugely popular on most college campuses today with young white and even some young black conservatives as well.
Heck Bill, there are a dozen or so faithful hypotheticals you could have chosen to prove the point for instance why the black peoples were so difficult to rescue during operation Katrina was because their high crime rates made it impossible to get near them and not because the Bush Fema corp was incompetent or not interested. I know that you might be subjected to ridicule for using that argument now that much of the raping and looting stories have now been proven to be false and exaggerated, but gosh Bill, its a lot better than being called a pro-choice supporter.
Let me tell you, even though it was a hypothetical and it was only black fetuses you were talking about aborting its still wrong in the eyes of your target Bush/Rove supporting audience and most importantly in the eyes of the Lord.
What you should have hypothetically suggested was some type of disguised genocide after the black babies had already been born. (I'm only telling you this because you are my brother in the struggle against liberal America and because I too have had major gambling addictions like you have. However, I never lost more than $15,000 whereas you gambled away untold millions of your, your wife's and your children's trust fund.) Any-who...
Lord knows we can't go back to slavery the way the bible recommends it, and we can't advocate killing unarmed fetuses no matter what color their umbilical cords are. However, the key to your remaining popular among the Hannity, Limbaugh, O Reilly and Cheney lovers is to maintain your white audiences deep fear of the black folks, and make it clear that you also want to free our land of their dark ways. But, oh, sweet Jesus Bill never ever suggest killing fetuses. That would be against everything we might hypothetically be against.

Hypothetically yours,

PHILBERT SUGGS