[8/30/2011] Thurber Tonight: An encore presentation of "Joyeux Noël, Mr. Durning" (continued)

(from Thurber Country)

I think I would have allowed the illicit merchandise to lapse into forfeiture if it had come from anyone except Maria and Olympy, but I couldn't let them down. I could have written them, of course, saying that I had received their joli cadeau; but it is awkward to thank someone for a bottle of liqueur if you don't know what kind of liqueur it is. Thus it was that I replied to Mr. Durning's form letter, received ten days before Christmas five years ago. [That is, "five years ago" as of the publication of the collection Thurber Country, in which this piece first appeared in book form. As noted above, the piece itself first appeared in The New Yorker in July 1949. -- Ken]

If you received one of these notifications, and I understand that hundreds, or perhaps thousands, were sent out, you were probably sensible enough to give up the struggle for your bottle by the middle of February, but I am made of a sterner curiosity. Once the game was afoot, I -- but let us begin with Mr. Durning's first letter:

TREASURY DEPARTMENT

BUREAU OF CUSTOMS

NEW YORK 4, N. Y.

IN REPLY REFER TO:

Seiz. #41802

Det. #3173-M-48

DECEMBER 14, 1948

Mr. and Mrs. James Thurber,
The New Yorker,
25 West 43rd Street,
N. Y. City 18, N. Y.

SIR AND MADAM:

There has been placed under seizure the merchandise set forth below which arrived in the mails from Mr./Mrs. Sementzoff, France; contained in a package addressed to you.

(1) bottle -- 1/5 gal. size -- Alc. Liqueur.

You are informed that any postal union (regular) mail articles or parcel post package received from abroad which is found to contain spiritous, vinous, malted, fermented, or other intoxicating liquor of any kind, is prohibited importation in the mails and is subject to seizure and forfeiture under the provisions of section 340, title 18, U.S. Code, and seciton 593(b) of Tariff Act of 1930.

If you desire to obtain possession of this liquor you must furnish to the Law Division of this office, ROOM 318 CUSTOMHOUSE, BOWLING GREEN, NEW YORK, NEW YORK, a statement setting forth the facts surrounding the importation indicating whether the same is for your personal use or for commercial purposes, that the merchandise, if released, will not be replaced in the mails, and that notification has been given to the shipper that the importation of intoxicating liquors through the mails is prohibited. Upon receipt of such statement you will be advised of the terms upon which the liquor will be released to you.

Unless the liquor in question is taken possession of by you within a reasonable time, the same will be disposed of according to law.

Respectfully,

HARRY M. DURNING,

Collector of Customs

By: J. P. SHARAGHER

Actg. Dep. Coll.

NOW, THIS DOCUMENT smelled to heaven of potential prolixity and proliferation, and my family and friends, knowing my tendency toward querulous impatience in protracted official give-and-take, wanted me to ignore it. But I thought of Olympy and Maria. The last time my wife and I saw them was in the troubled spring of 1938, when we waved good-bye to them as we drove away from the Villa Tamisier, in Juan-les-Pins. I later wrote a small memorial to Maria's cooking and character, and to the wild abandon and quiet fortitude of her husband the day he drove my Ford sedan -- and me -- into a telephone pole. We heard from them during the first year of the Occupation, in a letter addressed to me in care of the New York Herald, New York U.S.A. They were in good health but sad spirits, and somehow deeply concerned about our safety (in that most dangerous of war fronts -- Connecticut). We sent them boxes of food from time to time, and our repeated assurances that we were well and safe, but Maria was apparently not convinced. The day the American troops arrived, she wrote us, she ran out into the streets of Juan-les-Pins and demanded nouvelles de M. et Mme. Thurber from a passing column of soldiers. A captain -- who didn't know the Thurbers from Adam and Eve -- shouted back at her that we were carrying ourselves well, and Maria was at last relieved of her grand anxiety. I have often wished that I could thank that gallant officer for his quick and thoughtful good tidings about Maria's Monsieur et Madame à New York.

Yes, thinking about Maria and Olympy, I had to get that bottle. My first brave letter, together with its tangled consequences, follows, for your information and guidance:

WEST CORNWALL, CONN.

DECEMBER 17, 1948

The Law Division,
Office of the Collector,
Room 318, Customhouse,
Bowling Green,
New York, N. Y.

GENTLEMEN:

I am writing in connection with a letter of December 14th from Mr. Harry M. Durning, Collector of Customs, sent to Mr. and Mrs. James Thurber, c/o The New Yorker Magazine, 25 West 43rd Street, New York City. Mr. Durning's letter asks me to refer to "Seiz. #41802 and Det. #3173-M-48."

The bottle of alcoholic liqueur is intended as a Christmas gift to Mrs. Thurber and myself, and was shipped from France by Mr. and Mrs. Olympy Sementzoff, who worked as our gardener and cook in France some ten years ago. They are obviously not familiar with U.S. customs regulations on shipments of alcoholic beverages from abroad.

I am advising the shippers of the customs regulations that obtain in this case, and asking them to abide by these regulations in the future.

The bottle is intended for the private use of Mrs. Thurber and myself and will be used for no commercial purpose. If and when it is released to us, it will not be replaced in the mails.

I await your further instructions in this matter, and regret the inconvenience it has caused you.

Respectfully yours,

JAMES THURBER

TREASURY DEPARTMENT

BUREAU OF CUSTOMS

NEW YORK 4, N. Y.

IN REPLY REFER TO:

GM/22

Seizure #41802

DECEMBER 30, 1948

Mr. James Thurber
West Cornwall, Conn.

SIR:

Addressee: Mr. & Mrs. James Thurber
Merchandise: 1 bottle 1/5 gal. Alc. Liqueur
Sum to be deposited: $3.56 (total)

Receipt is acknowledged of your letter of December 17, 1948 regarding the merchandise listed above which arrived in the mail and which has been placed under seizure for violation of the customs revenue laws.

To secure the release of this merchandise from Customs we require that there be deposited with us the sum above stated. This payment may be made by certified check or postal money order payable to the Collector of Customs. You are also advised that in addition to our terms of release which include the payment of the above listed sum, before the merchandise finally may be released, it will be necessary for you to present to this office a state permit therefor from the Connecticut State Liquor Authority at Hartford. Upon receipt of the permit and the payment above listed, the liqueur will be forwarded to you by express, charges collect.

We request that you act promptly in this matter to secure the release of this merchandise; otherwise, it will be disposed of as provided by law.

Respectfully,

HARRY M. DURNING, COLLECTOR

By: ALFRED H. GOLDEN

Assistant Solicitor

WEST CORNWALL, CONN.

JANUARY 5, 1949

Mr. Harry M. Durning,
Collector of Customs,
Bureau of Customs,
New York 4, N. Y.

DEAR MR. DURNING:

In reference to GM/22 and Seizure #41802, and your letter of December 30, 1948, in reply to my own letter of December 17, I am this day writing for a permit from the Connecticut State Liquor Authority, which I will forward promptly when received, together with a postal money order for $3.56.

Sincerely yours,

JAMES THURBER

WEST CORNWALL, CONN.

JANUARY 5, 1949

Connecticut Liquor Authority
Hartford, Connecticut

GENTLEMEN:

I have been advised in a letter just received from Mr. Harry M. Durning, Collector of Customs in New York, that I must subit to him a Connecticut permit in order to obtain the release of a 1/5 gallon of alcoholic spirits now under seizure in New York. All other requirements set forth by Mr. Durning have been satisfied by me. The bottle under seizure will be forwarded to me by express on submission of the proper permit from your authority.

Thanking you for your prompt consideration in this matter, and with best season's wishes, I am

Sincerely yours,

JAMES THURBER

LIQUOR CONTROL COMMISSION

STATE OF CONNECTICUT

HARTFORD

JANUARY 10, 1949

James Thurber
West Cornwall, Connecticut

DEAR SIR:

Receipt is acknowledged of your communication of January 5, 1949 with reference to alcoholic liquor for your personal consumption which you desire to import into the State.

With reference to this situation, you are advised that it is necessary to apply for and receive a permit for the importation of this type of merchandise. We are enclosing, herewith, blank forms of application, no one of which may be for more than five gallons.

Before executing these applications, the State Tax Commissioner, Excise Division, State Office Building, Hartford, Connecticut should be advised as to the type of beverage to be imported; if any wine is included, the alcoholic percentage and whether "sparkling" or "still"; and they will immediately advise you as to the amount of tax due. The applications should then be executed and forwarded to the Tax Department with a check in the amount of the taxes and, when received, that department will then forward them to us with the certification that the taxes have been paid and we will, in turn, issue an import Certificate to you which must be forwarded by you to whatever transportation company is to transport the merchandise into Connecticut. This Import Certificate must accompany the merchandise in transit and must be delivered to the importer at the time of the delivery of the merchandise. Upon receipt of the alcoholic beverages, the Import Certificate must of necessity be returned to this department.

If there is any further information which you desire on the subject, we shall be very glad to advise you upon request.

Very truly yours,

RICHARD H. PINNEY

Executive Assistant

Liquor Control Commission

P.S. The state tax on whiskey is computed as $1.00 per wine gallon.

WEST CORNWALL, CONN.

FEBRUARY 4, 1959

The State Tax Commissioner,
Excise Division,
State Office Building,
Hartford, Connecticut

DEAR SIR:

On December 30, 1948, I was advised by the New York Customs authorities that they are holding one bottle 1/5 gallon alcoholic liqueur, shipped to me, in ignorance of our laws, by M. and Mme. Olympy Sementzoff from France. I was instructed to notify the Connecticut Liquor Authority, which informed me, in enclosing applications for release, that I should describe, as hereinabove, the nature and contents of the bottle in question. I have set down all that I know about it. The New York Customs demands $3.56 as their fee for release. I await your advice as to the proper tax due in this state, in full and helpless confidence that the aforementioned Christmas present will be disposed of as contraband before a man of my age can possibly satisfy all the documentary requirements. Nevertheless, I am going to try to get it.

M. Sementzoff is a White Russian, and I trust that the purity of his loyalty to France need not be established by the F.B.I. or any other organization.

Respectfully yours,

JAMES THURBER

STATE OF CONNECTICUT

TAX DEPARTMENT

470 CAPITOL AVENUE

HARTFORD 15, CONNECTICUT

IN REPLY REFER TO:

Beverage Tax Section

FEBRUARY 8, 1949

Mr. James Thurber,
West Conrwall,
Connecticut.

DEAR SIR:

Receipt is acknowledged of your letter of the 4th received in this office this morning.

We wish to advise that Connecticut state tax on 1/5 gallon of liqueur is $0.20.

If you will forward your remittance in the amount of $0.20 to cover the tax due on the liqueur that is being held by the New York Customs for you, together with the completed applications sent you by the Liquor Control Commission, we will certify payment of the tax to the Liquor Commission who will then forward you a release.

Respectfully yours,

WILLIAM F. CONNELLY

Tax Commissioner

By: ERNEST S. GOODRICH

Director, Excise Division

THE BRITISH COLONIAL HOTEL,

NASSAU, BAHAMAS,

19 FEBRUARY, 1949

Mr. William F. Connelly
Tax Commissioner
Hartford, Conn.
Attn: Mr. Ernest S. Goodrich,
Director, Excise Division

Re: Beverage Tax Section

DEAR MR. CONNELLY:

In connection with your letter of February 8th sent by Mr. Goodrich, I am enclosing a check for twenty cents ($.20), together with the necessary applications, in accordance with your instructions as to the procedure for gaining the release of the bottle of liqueur now being held by the New York Customs authorities.

I am enclosing an American air-mail stamp in order that the release from the Connecticut State Liquor Control Commission may be expedited and I am taking the liberty of requesting your kindness in sending this stamp along to them, so that the release may be sent air mail to me, c/o The British Colonial, Nassau, the Bahamas. A letter sent by ordinary mail might take weeks in getting here and I am unfamiliar with the period of time regarded as reasonable by the New York Customs officials.

Thanking you for your help in this matter,

Sincerely yours,

JAMES THURBER

LIQUOR CONTROL COMMISSION

STATE OF CONNECTICUT

HARTFORD

FEBRUARY 24, 1949

James G. Thurber,
R.F.D.,
West Cornwall, Conn.

DEAR SIR:

Enclosed herewith is Import Certificate #1627 authorizing the importation into the State of Connecticut, for your personal consumption, of LIQUEUR.

The Import Certificate must accompany the merchandise in transit and be delivered to you with the merchandise.

Upon receipt of the merchandise, the Import Certificate enclosed must be returned by you to this department.

Very truly yours,

RICHARD H. PINNEY

Executive Assistant

Liquor Control Commission

The above certificate mailed to British Colonial Hotel, Nassau, Bahamas, as requested. (Air Mail)

THE BRITISH COLONIAL HOTEL,

NASSAU, BAHAMAS,

3 MARCH 1949

Mr. Harry M. Durning,
Collector of Customs,
Bureau of Customs,
New York 4, N. Y.

DEAR MR. DURNING:

With reference to GM/22 and Seizure #41802, and to your letters of December 14 and December 30, 1948, I am, pursuant to your direction, enclosing my check for $3.56, together with the Import Certificate just issued to me by the Liquor Control Commission of the State of Connecticut.

The Commission has advised me that the Import Certificate must accompany the shipment of the merchandise so that I may return the Certificate to the Commission when I receive it. It is my desire to conform, in full, with all the requirements of your office and those of the Connecticut authorities concerned.

There has been some unavoidable delay in gathering together all the necessary releases and certificates, but I trust I have not exceeded the time limit place upon the holding of the merchandise. In the past two and a half months I have developed a profound curiosity as to the actual contents of the merchandise.

I understand from a recent newspaper article that your office has been overburdened by the receipt of illegal shipments of alcoholic spirits from friends of Americans in France and other countries who are unaware that their expressions of good feeling are contrary to statutes of the United States. I regret that I have innocently added to your work and to your problems, and I assure you that I have made every effort to prevent the recurrence of this situation.

Sincerely yours,

JAMES THURBER

P.S. I understand that the merchandise is to be shipped to me at West Cornwall, Conn., but it has occurred to me that it may be receivable only by myself or Mrs. Thurber personally. If this is the case, I will not be in West Cornwall until March 8th. There is, however, always someone at my home to receive the shipment.

WEST CORNWALL, CONN.

APRIL 5, 1949

Mr. Harry M. Durning
Collector of Customs
Bureau of Customs,
New York, 4, N. Y.

DEAR MR. DURNING:

In further reference to GM/22 and Seizure #41802.

I wrote you on March 3rd, air mail from Nassau, the Bahamas, enclosing my personal check for $3.56, in final satisfaction of the stipulations of your own office and of the various Connecticut State authorities involved by law in the transaction regarding the shipment to Mrs. Thurber and myself of a Christmas gift from M. And Mme. Olympy Sementzoff in France. I am not yet in receipt of the 1/5 gallon of alcoholic liqueur that is being held under seizure by your office, unless the act of forfeiture has already been consummated.

In the fear that the shipment may have been delayed because of some fault or failure of my own, I have gone back over the voluminous correspondence in this matter, searching for possible error on my part, and I have discovered that you asked for a certified check or postal money order and that I had said I would send the tax in the form of the money order. Circumstances operated to place difficulties in my way, since I was in Nassau, where American money orders are unavailable and the certification of checks was not easy to arrange.

If the merchandise has not yet been forfeited I shall be glad to substitute a certified check in the amount of $3.56 for the check I sent you on March 3rd.

When and if the bottle is received by me, I want to write the shippers to thank them again for the gift, and I should like to be able to state the precise brand or type of liqueur. Otherwise they might suspect that I had never actually received the present, and this would add further distress to their present embarrassment, which results from their knowledge that their Christmas gift was shipped in contravention, however innocent, of our statutes and regulations.

The Connecticut State Liquor Control Commission has instructed me to return the Import Certificate when I receive the shipment. If the merchandise has, in fact, been forfeited I do not know how to comply with this particular instruction.

My curiosity as to the actual contents of the bottle has not abated, and I would greatly appreciate it if, no matter how this transaction eventuates, you would identify the liqueur for me.

I fully appreciate the problems you have to deal with in the case of the thousands of such shipments mentioned in the newspaper article I read on the subject. This one bottle has very nearly driven me crazy.

Respectfully yours,

JAMES THURBER

WEST CORNWALL, CONN.

APRIL 6, 1949

Mr. Harry M. Durning,
Collector of Customs,
Bureau of Customs,
New York 4, N. Y.

DEAR MR. DURNING:

GM/22 and Seizure #41802.

In reference to my letter of yesterday, April 5, I regret to say that it was written and mailed during the absence of Mrs. Thurber, who, upon her return, explained that you had accepted and put through my check of March 3rd in the amount of $3.56, and that the cancelled check had arrived in my bank statement on April 2nd. She further pointed out that the delay in shipment of the bottle of liqueur is no doubt due to the railway-express strike, which still obtains at this writing.

Please ignore my letter of yesterday and accept my apologies for adding to the confusion and to the considerable dossier in this matter which I have been at fault in amplifying.

Respectfully yours,

JAMES THURBER

P.S.: If the Christmas gift does not arrive before Easter, I will be in Bermuda, but the shipment will be received by my caretaker, Mr. Ben Tuller, who has instructions to forward the Import Certificate to the Connecticut Liquor Authority on my behalf.

TREASURY DEPARTMENT

BUREAU OF CUSTOMS

NEW YORK 4, N. Y.

IN REPLY REFER TO:

GM:z/22

Seizure No. 41802

APRIL 12, 1949

Mr. James Thurber
West Cornwall
Connecticut

SIR:

Reference is made to previous correspondence with this office relative to a shipment of alcoholic beverage consigned to you through the international mails in violation of the United States Code, title 18, sections 1716 and 545, covered by the above seizure number.

This office is in receipt of your remittance in accordance with the terms imposed for the release of this merchandise to you. However, the present express embargo will undoubtedly result in a delay in the receipt of the shipment by you.

Respectfully,

HARRY M. DURNING, COLLECTOR

By: ALFRED H. GOLDEN

Assistant Solicitor

On April 22nd, six days after I had sailed for Bermuda, and one hundred and twenty-nine days after the original form letter from Mr. Durning, the merchandise arrived at West Cornwall, Connecticut, intact, according to Ben Tuller, who wrote me air mail that same day, enclosing the Import Certificate, which, it turned out, had to be signed by me. There were express charges of ninety-five cents on the merchandise, which Tuller paid. He was afraid that I might not return the Import Certificate to Hartford within the period of five days afer the acceptance of the shipment, as prescribed by statute. I think I managed it, in spite of the unfortunate fact that his letter was first delivered, by mistake, to Waterlot, in Southampton Parish, instead of to Waterville, in Page East, where I was staying. The Import Certificate, because of the gravity of its warning and the nobility of its language, deserves to be read into this record, and it follows in full, or almost in full:

This certifies that James G. Thurber of R.F.D., West Cornwall, Conn., having paid the tax prescribed by SUB-SECTION (b) of SECTION 986e, 1939 SUPPLEMENT TO THE GENERAL STATUTES, AS AMENDED, is authorized to import into the STATE OF CONNECTICUT 1/5 Gal. LIQUEUR from Mr. and Mrs. Olympy Sementzoff, Juan-les-Pins, France, for his own use and consumption and not for resale. This certificate must be returned to Liquor Control Commission by person to whom issued within five (5) days after receipt of contents represented.

I WILL spare you my two letters, in French, to Maria and Olympy, the first thanking them for a gift I had not yet received and cautioning them not to do it again, the second announcing that the joli cadeau de Noël had arrived at my home five days after Pâques. I explained that I would be en séjour à Bermuda until late in June, but that I would drink to their health and happiness on the Fourth of July.

Maria and Olympy will understand. After all, the French are by no means inexperienced in the long and labyrinthine processes of officialdom, complete wiht symbols, seals, signatures, and the satisfaction of statutes and stipulations.

Oh, yes, I almost forgot. It was a bottle of Cointreau.

(Consignee's Note: Shortly after the preceding correspondence appeared in The New Yorker, I received a nice letter from Mr. Durning, enclosing an official check for two dollars. It seems that, somewhere along the line, I was inadvertently overcharged that amount.)

TOMORROW'S THURBER TONIGHT ENCORE PRESENTATION: "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" (yes!)


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