[8/22/2011] Bob and Ray Tonight: "Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy" (continued)

"You've just enabled me to identify [the spy] as one of those forty sailors. I'm sure when I file my daily report, this will bring me a commendation from the home office, saying: 'Foreign agent cleverly spotted by Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy.'"

-- from "Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy"

from Write If You Get Work:
The Best of Bob & Ray (1975)

[Dramatic theme music. Establish and under for]
ANNOUNCER: And now the makers of Tingle -- the long-wearing dental floss created from spun glass fiber -- invite you to join us for another exciting adventure of Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy.
[Theme music up briefly and then out]
LITZINGER: My name is Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy. I work with quiet efficiency on some of the toughest espionage assignments our government can hand out. Recently, we got word that a hostile foreign power was trying to crack the secret code that our Navy uses in the Pacific. It was my job to find out if the enemy had been successful. So I went to an island near the Philippines where foreign ships refuel -- and made my way to a tavern that I knew was a favorite hangout for visiting sailors . . .
[Sound: General crowd noise under and hold for]
BARTENDER: What'll it be, Mac? Beer?
LITZINGER: A blue moon over salmon-pink mountains.
BARTENDER: Sorry. I don't know much about making those fancy cocktails. What's in it?
LITZINGER: Oh, that's not a drink, my good man. I thought you were one of our agents, so I gave you the secret greeting. You see, I'm Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy. Here's my business card.

BARTENDER: That's very interesting. I never saw a business card laid out this way -- with the phone number in the middle. Thirteen -- ten -- twenty-one --
LITZINGER: Oh, that's not my phone number. That's my name printed in the secret code our Navy uses here in the Pacific. I had those cards made up as sort of a gag to hand out to my fellow agents. They appreciate a good laugh.
BARTENDER: Oh, me, too. Of course, I don't get the full benefit of the joke because I don't know the code. But I assume the thirteen is the first letter in your name, and ten is the second, and like that.
LITZINGER: Yes. It's really quite simple. You just number the let
ters of the alphabet from one to twenty-six -- and then add 1 
to each number so it becomes a code that's impossible to
 crack.
BARTENDER: Oh, I get it. Your name's Litzinger. And "L" is the twelfth letter in the alphabet. But you add one to make it thirteen. And then the letter "I" is --
LITZINGER: Well, you don't need to work out the whole thing. It's just a dull job once you know how the code operates.
BARTENDER: Gee, I don't think it's dull. I like working puzzles. In fact, my employer gives prizes to us for figuring out things like this.
LITZINGER: Really? Is the contest open to anyone?
BARTENDER: No, I don't think you could enter. You see, the answers all have to be put on microfilm and then sent to a secret address in the capital city of a hostile country.
LITZINGER: Hmm. That's a rather complicated way to run a prize contest. It's almost like our espionage operation.
BARTENDER: Yeah. It's almost like ours, too . . . Incidentally, what's this number 1 here on the card in the middle of your name?
LITZINGER: Oh, that's the "Z" in Litzginer. You see, "Z" is the last letter in the alphabet. So when you add one to it, that puts you back at the beginning again.
BARTENDER: Hey, that's clever. It might have taken me several minutes to figure that out if you hadn't told me.
LITZINGER: Well, of course, after you'd gotten all the other letters in my name, you'd have known that the middle one had to be a "Z."
BARTENDER: Yeah. That's the way I would have figured it out all right. But as I say, it might have taken several minutes. And I want to hurry and get this microfilmed so I can ship it out on the last submarine leaving tonight.
LITZINGER: That's strange. I didn't see any submarines anchored in the harbor.
BARTENDER: Oh, well, you wouldn't have seen this one. It's right underneath one of your battleships.
LITZINGER: I see. And I suppose the sailors in here with funny lettering on their caps are the crewmen.
BARTENDER: Yeah, all but one of them. He's assigned to keep an eye on you.
LITZINGER: Really? I suspected there might be a spy in here somewhere -- and you've just enabled me to identify him as one of those forty sailors. I'm sure when I file my daily report, this will bring me a commendation from the home office, saying: "Foreign agent cleverly spotted by Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy."
[Theme music. Establish and under for]
ANNOUNCER: Friends, we know how much you've enjoyed this fine dramatic program. So why not show your appreciation by stocking up now on our sponsor's fine product -- Tingle. And join us soon for more exciting adventures in the career of . . . Elmer W. Litzinger, Spy.
[Theme music up briefly and then out]

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