Saturday, December 21, 2019

Rushin’ To Destruction: 2019 In Review, Part 3-- As Florida Goes, So Goes The Nation: The Year In “Florida Man,” With An Extra Nod To Trumpanzee, aka President Florida Man!


-by Noah

In presidential politics, it has become “As Florida goes, so goes the nation.” They used to say that about Ohio and, god knows, both major parties throw a ton of cash down in both states but it now seems that both parties are particularly desperate to win Florida every four years, and, whether it’s “Jeb” Bush or Rick Scott, there is no election law or sleaze barrier that can’t be broken. When it comes to presidential politics, it matters bigly who the governor is and Bush and Scott are two of the worst on the Florida Man list. How did they get in position to all but pick who (or, to be completely honest about it, what) gets to live at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? The answer is easily conned “Florida Man” voters. Yes, Florida Man votes, eagerly so, even when the lines take up to 9 hours, just to get to a voting machine that doesn’t always properly record votes. Please say hello to my friend Chad and my newest voting buddy Vlad.

Who is Florida Man? He is the embodiment of the idiocy of the average Floridian. It’s not that Florida is the only place that features chronic stupidity and what I call Brain Dead Crime. It’s just that, in Florida, such things appear to be at the top of the list of life goals. The concentration of this sort of behavior is extreme in Florida, so much so that they push it as a money-maker. There are Florida Man T-shirts, mugs, beach towels (of course!) and even Florida Man daily calendars. Oh, and “Florida Man” the novel by Mike Baron. There’s even a site where you can even go online, type in your birthday, and you will be instantly matched up with a “Florida Man” episode from the annals of history that happened on your day!

We expect nothing good from places like Alabama or Mississippi. Georgia at least has Atlanta. Atlanta is a nice city. It’s just that it’s surrounded by people that grew up drinking backyard homebrew that amounts to nothing but paint thinner. But Florida is extra “special” for whatever reason. It’s doomed no matter what and its abused environment is putting a claim in. Florida cities are now nothing but target practice for category 4 and 5 hurricanes. I mean, have you been to Florida lately? Clearwater no longer has water that is clear. Miami is flooded even when it doesn’t rain. The tap water of Ocala reeks of a rotten egg smell and it burns your skin. The water in Orlando? Sure, it’s at the bottom or 80 foot deep sinkholes. It’s a place that’s going to Hell on a rocket sled. Is it any wonder that Trump has declared Florida as his official residence?

I’ll never understand why anyone goes to Florida. People say the theme parks, hideous as they are. One even has fake mountains along the highway that people pay to climb up and rappel down. For this, they went to Florida when they could have gone to a state with real mountains. All the while, the state is being over-ridden with 20-foot Burmese pythons and 15-foot alligators. Don’t even get me started on the bugs. Travel to Florida at your own risk. Oh, and did I mention that there’s a combo strip club-massage parlor every 50 yards along the highways? Thriving economy in Florida? It appears that the number one job there is stripper, or maybe it’s “masseuse.” As we now know, corporate types like New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft love to drop in for a hand job. Florida-The Hand Job State!

Ok. I don’t wanna get carried away. I’ll just stop now and give you the list below that highlights many of the 2019 Moments Of Brilliance in the world of Florida Man. These are real headlines, folks! And don’t you women go thinkin’ you’re in the clear. Let’s not forget that Florida Man came from somewhere. Let’s also not forget that it appears that most Floridians have either been out in the blazing sun way too long, or, have a long history of meth use. Probably both. Perhaps, it’s just in the water. Seems like something is. And, you just know that all of these Florida media stars voted for the Trumpanzee.

Presenting selected 2019 headlines from the world of Florida Man, compiled from various media sources. I tried to keep it under 30, but with multiple incidents for seemingly every day of the year, well…
1. Florida Man Caught On Camera Licking Doorbell (Courtesy ABC News)

2. Florida Man Arrested For Throwing Alligator Trough Drive-Thru Window (Courtesy FOX “News”)

3. Florida Man, Woman, Run Over By Patrol Car While Lying In Road To Watch Eclipse (Courtesy Palm Beach Post)

4. Medical Examiner: Florida Man Found Eaten By Alligator Actually Died Of Meth Overdose (Courtesy

5. Florida Man Learns Hard Way He Stole Laxatives, Not Opiods (Courtesy Esquire)

6. Florida Woman Uses Machete To Save Venomous Coral Snake From Cat (Courtesy

7. Florida Man Shows Up Naked To Pay Undercover Deputy For Sex (Courtesy NBC2 News”)

8. Florida Man Caught With Cocaine In Car Says It Was Blown There By The Wind (Courtesy Newsweek)

9. Florida Man Arrested With Meth Bag Wedged In Belly Button (Courtesy Newsweek)

10. Naked Florida Man Arrested For Beating Peeping Tom To Death (Courtesy Newsweek)

11. Florida Woman Embezzles $60K From New Job While On Probation For Embezzling From Old Job (Courtesy Pensacola News Journal)

12. Florida Man Charged For Sexually Assaulting Stuffed Olaf From ‘Frozen’ Toy (Courtesy

13. Florida Couple Had Sex In Back Of A Police Car After DUI Arrests (Courtesy USA Today)

14. Florida Mechanic Accused Of Sabotaging Plane So He Could Get Paid Overtime (Courtesy Newsweek)

15. Florida Man Denies Syringes Found In Rectum Are His (Courtesy Esquire)

16. Florida Man Tries To Break Into ATM With Blowtorch, Welds It Shut Instead Courtesy

17. Florida Man Tries To Steal 26 Cars From Jail Parking Lot Just After Being Released (Courtesy

18. Florida Woman Steals Christmas Wreath At Gunpoint (Courtesy Newsweek)

19. Police Use Stun Gums To Extract Florida Man From Walmart Ceiling (Courtesy Newsweek)

20. Florida Teacher Accused Of Taking Meth And Cocaine Before School (Courtesy Newsweek)

21. Florida Man Arrested For Trying On Baby Clothes While Holding Woman Hostage (Courtesy Newsweek)

22. Florida Man Arrested For Using Samuri Sword During Dispute Over Trash Courtesy Newsweek)

23. Florida Man Who Impersonated Captain Jack Sparrow Found Dead (Courtesy Newsweek)

24. Florida Man Breaks Into House, Makes Breakfast, Tells Owner To Go Back To Sleep (Courtesy

25. Florida Man: Navy Should Drop Ice In Warm Water To Stop Hurricane (Courtesy Newsweek) (See Video Clip Above)

26. Florida Man, 74, Arrested After Home Castration Attempt Goes Horribly Wrong (Courtesy Newsweek)

27. Florida Man Wearing Nothing But Bra And Hat Burglarizes Cars (Courtesy

28. Florida Woman’s Maternity Photo Includes Alligator, Shotgun, Bud Light (Courtesy Esquire)

29. Florida Man Steals $33,000 In Rare Coins, Redeems At Coinstar For $30 (Courtesy

30. Florida Man Dies While Testing Bulletproof Vest (Courtesy Huffington Post)

So that’s it. Call it a Top 30. I could have listed a thousand headlines, two thousand, or more! Florida is what it is but keep this in mind; now that he’s declared Florida to be his official residence, every action from Donald Trump should now be proceeded by the words “President Florida Man.” What we’ve seen so far is just the beginning. President Florida Man Impeached. President Florida Man Sends Love Letters To North Korean Despot. President Florida Man Flushes 15 Times. President Florida Man Pays $130,000 For Sex. President Florida Man Bullies 16 Year Old Girl. President Florida Man Okays Genocide Of Kurdish Allies. Florida Man Hands Over Tomahawk Missiles To Russians. President Florida Man Takes Food Stamps From More Than 700,000 Citizens. President Florida Man Gives Putin Top Secret Israeli Intelligence. President Florida Man Attempts to Withhold Military Aid To Ukraine In Exchange For Information On Political Rival’s Son. President Florida Man Publicly Asks China To Meddle In Our Elections. President Florida Man Gleefully Damages Nation’s National Security. President Florida Man Uses His Hotels And Golf Clubs To Fleece American Taxpayers.

Coming soon: President Florida Man Destroys Healthcare. Hood-Wearing President Florida Man Invites KKK Grand Wizards To White House. Laughing President Florida Man Destroys Social Security. President Florida Man Calls For End To All Alternative Energy Research. President Florida Man Pardons More War Criminals. President Florida Man Claims Conversation With Jesus, Issues Transcript. President Florida Man Declares Rape No Longer A Crime. President Florida Man Gives Medals Of Freedom To White Supremacists. President Florida Man Calls For Pullback Of FCC Licenses For All But Fox News. Ranting President Florida Man Asks Senate Majority Leader Not To Seat Democrats. White House Burns To Ground In Fire Started By Greasy Trash Heap Of President Florida Man’s Fast Food Wrappers. President Florida Man Smokes Crack During State Of The Union Address, Supporters Cheer! President Florida Man Re-Elected, Embraced As O.J. Simpson Of Presidents. President Florida Man Makes Up Crimes, Has Opponents Arrested. President Florida Man Orders Nuking Of Hurricane, Nuclear Winter Ensues, World Ends.

Why? It’s all because what happens in Florida doesn’t just stay in Florida. Florida is a symptom of what America has become. They’re just a little ahead of the downward curve. “As Florida Goes, So Goes The Nation.”

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At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I visited Florida once to see the Everglades. It is just as you say, along with the gaudy pink buildings everywhere. The highest point in Florida is garbage dump! When the rains come from the hurricane off the coast, everyone has to pull over as you can't drive on the highway. Disney World sucks along with everything else. Good place for tRump.

At 4:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Florida isn't even unusually stupid. And Atlanta is a shithole.

America. we're #1. yes we are.

At 4:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorite recent Florida Man story, from December 7 of this year - "Florida Man Accused of Having Sex with Stuffed Animals at Target".

At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Florida holds the much-coveted #1 position on Mother Nature's list of places to be rinsed clean with rising tides of salt water.

Good riddance!

At 3:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guarantee that for every 'florida man' anecdote, there are 10 'texas douchenozzle' stories greater or equal.

And KY would be competitive... if anyone there could write about them.


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