Sunday, January 29, 2017

This Valentine's Day, Why Not Send Your Favorite Republican "The Gift Of Lard"?


by Noah

American citizens have always been a generous people. Back when Nixon was president, American citizens began sending their president a record number of gifts -- so many, in fact, that a whole department had to be created just to deal with the ever-growing quantity of gifts sent to the White House.

Back in the day, a staffer of a New York senator informed me that all members of Congress got presents from the public. but no one could begin to touch what Nixon got. Nor would you want to touch those gifts. We're not talking about the bribes that euphemistically go by the name "campaign contributions," and we're not talking about the nastier, more recent life-threatening envelopes of mysterious white powder -- i.e., anthrax. No, back in those times Americans sent Nixon tokens of their appreciation which often included a dead fish in a well-sealed padded envelope (a personal favorite of mine), a roadkill possum in a box, excrement of an indeterminate nature -- you get the drift.

There wasn't a lot of ingenuity in the selection of gifts, but wow, when some White House staff member unsealed that package in the basement, especially on a sweltering humid 96-degree Washington day, I have no doubt that Nixon could smell it all the way up in the Oval Office. Did the staff member deserve that? Debatable. But they did work for Nixon of their own free will, so . . . . Did Nixon deserve it? Absolutely!

So it was with great interest that I recently heard that the sending of thoughtful gifts to politicians has been on the rise. Sadly, during the Obama years the White House received a steady diet of watermelons and stuffed-monkey toys from republicans. Racist postcards were also especially big. What else would one expect of republicans?

By the way, the watermelons were wasted food, since there was no way to be sure that they had not been injected with something bad (or, maybe, good!) Maybe the uneaten watermelons just went to target ranges or maybe they went to Gallagher as he perfected his comedy/performance-art act.

So, you may be asking, what inspired me to write about this subject right now? Well, Valentines Day is coming and it turns out that a Republican state senator in North Carolina, Sen. Joyce Krawiec, has given me an inspiration as to what will make a suitable Valentines Day gift to that special Republican in your life. Like most Republicans, not just Putin's favorite president and his mob of White House misogenysts, Senator Krawiec (or Krazi-ec, as I think of her) had a huge problem with all of those damn uppity women marching in the streets all over the world to protest the twisted presidency of Donald Jackass Trump last Saturday.

Kraziec is your typical far-right loon, a mindless acolyte of recently deposed fascist Gov. Pat McCrory. She does the usual classic anti-Obamacare, anti-regulations whining and supports any and all LGBTQ discriminations available -- that kind of thing. She's apparently made a career of playing a kind of sociopathic country Squeaky Fromme to McCrory's psychopathic Charlie Manson.

Kraziec also possesses Trumpinsky's sociopathic weaponized tweeting skills. The Monday morning after the march, Krawiec just couldn't stop herself. She had a very bad case of the Mondays indeed. Sounding like Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies and sporting a spiffy 1980s hairdo, she tweeted out her message to the world:

Damn, lady! You've violated the first rule of insult tweets: Never use organic matter as an insult. It will come back to haunt you! And so it has! By Thursday morning at least 10 boxes of nice ripe, reeking lard had been delivered to Senator Kraziec's office in Raleigh, NC. I hope she has a mighty bigly skillet!

According to various social-media statements from people who took part in the marches, the senator, who I hereby declare shall now and forever be known as "Senator Lard," or "The Lard Queen," or "The Princess of Lard," or -- my choice -- "The Lard Princess" -- should be expecting a lot more "political contributions," including overnight packages. One Winston-Salem resident, Chloe Mylet, who attended the Women's March in Washington, DC, sent The Lard Princess a lovely four-pound tub o' lard like the one picture at the top of this post! Nothing says love like lard!

But wait, there's more! The glorious Ms. Mylet has set up a "Go Fund Me" page in order to help her fellow rightly aggrieved citizens also send The Lard Princess a gift of lard. You can just click on the link if you'd like to help out, or you might want to consider doing the same for that republican politician who works so hard to make your life more difficult.

To date, several Amazon users have commented on different lard products they've purchased for The Lard Princess. One customer, going by the name of ZimZimZimmer, wrote: "I just sent four pounds to Krawiec's Senate Office in Raleigh and couldn't be more delighted with my purchase! Highly recommend!!!!"


God, I hope this starts a major trend. Lord, please hear my prayer! One can hope that The Lard Princess will end up sending the lard to a food shelter, but that would be a very un-republican thing to do. Although I can see The Lard Princess herself doing this and including a little note that reads, "Let them eat lard."

Some birds like lard too, and it is winter and food can be in short supply for our wildlife, so maybe The Lard Princess can fill her back-yard swimming pool with lard and see who or what shows up. I bet bears like lard! Shouldn't every republican have a backyard full of marauding bears?

Lard is the perfect gift for any Republican. Come on, just do it! Just say yes! Let's make it the Pet Rock of 2017 for Republicans! You know you always want to give someone a gift that matches their essence. Mitch McConnell? Lard! Mike Pence? Lard! Karl Rove? Lard! Steve Bannon? Lard! Rush Limbaugh? Oh yeah, definitely lard! Chris Christie? Come on, do I have to say it?

[Click to enlarge, if you dare.]

Anyway, giving the gift of lard is definitely an idea whose time has come. I mean, just look at Trump! Tell me that lard isn't one of the first words that pops in your mind. Go ahead! Look at that fat orange slit-eyed pigface. It screams lard! Why not include the new president on your gift list for this Valentine's Day? And lard is much easier and safer to send than what he'd really want. Liquids, golden or otherwise, just don't travel well.

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At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Michael Simmons said...

They could use the lard to ensnare the grizzly bears that Un-Education Secretary Betsy DeVos insists are a national threat to our schools.

At 6:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This gives me a great idea! Thanks.


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