Monday, January 16, 2017

A DWT Exclusive: We Have The First Draft Of Comrade Trump's Inauguration Speech!


2016 In Review: America Off The Rails, Part 12

by Noah

As the first day of the end of America approaches, many of us are wondering about Donald "The J Is for Jackass" Trump's inauguration speech. Questions abound. Will it be a single tweet? Has it been left to his wife to write it, or crib it? Perhaps Billy Bush is writing it for him right now? Or perhaps David Duke? Or some Russkie in the basement of the Kremlin? Hell, it might even be a room full of monkeys with typewriters.

cartoon by Bruce Plante
Maybe, just maybe, Comrade Trump will simply regale his crowd of hypnotized zombies with a reading of his book The Art of the Deal. After all, he may even insist that he be sworn in with his hand on his own book rather than a copy of the Bible. Such is the titanic, bloated ego and freakishly out-of-control narcissism of Trump.

With all of this in mind, I thought that I could help out. I know I can write Trump's inauguration speech. I know I can write it in his own unique style!

I like writing. I can spell words like "precedent" and "president." Hell, I even know the difference between the two. I, like Trump, have a full vocabulary of "the best words." So believe me. I can do this. I can do this so fast, it will make your head spin. I've even been nice enough to include cues and instructions to help the new President make his way through his speech. Here goes.
My fellow Trump voters, distinguished .05 percenters, favorite oligarchs, Mr. Duke, and President Putin,

Three score and ten years ago, I was born on a day that will one day be not only a national holiday but a world holiday, such is the magnificence of me. To be or not to be was never the question for I am. I am what I am. I'm President Trump the President Man, the best President Man, I am, I am.

[Pause for applause]

This could be the start of a beautiful relationship! No way Crooked Hillary would have a crowd this big! Wow! You are a landslide. I won! We have a movement here, a movement that's never happened before. Big movement! So much love for me. So much love.

[Pause for applause]

Wow! Thank you! Great! Thank you! Great spirit in Washington today! I have property here, you know. I have a big new hotel. Beautiful hotel. Big tower. Big!

[Pause for applause]

I see we have some press here. Dishonest. Very dishonest. Look at them, and their expensive cameras. Very dishonest. Radical press. Crooked press.

To all my enemies I say, you're in trouble!

We will take arms against our sea of troubles. To Mexicans and Muslims alike, we will offer the slings and arrows of our outrage!

[Pause for applause]

We will fix Iran. We will eliminate ISIS. Meryl Streep invented ISIS, you know. Meryl Streep. Nasty woman. No talent. Bad actress. Bad. Sad. Bad.

I am not afraid of my greatness! Some, like me, are born great. Some, like me, achieve amazing greatness. And some, like me, have greatness thrust upon them. At least that's what many people are saying. I'm great. I'm smart, many people say. Ask them. Some say I'm brilliant. I am. Believe me.

[Pause for applause and adulation]

I see a great America again! I will rebuild the bridges. Trump bridges. Trump highways. Pyramids on the golden sands!

Our forefathers brought forth this nation with me in mind. Me. Me. Me.

[Pause for applause]


[Pause for applause]

Let's hear it for me!

[Pause for applause]

When our forefathers thought of this nation being great, they thought of Trump! Making this nation great again! I offer you that golden future!

[Pause for applause]

There will be jobs. Lots of jobs! Perchance to dream, there will be jobs!

[Pause for applause]

Big wall!

[Pause for applause]


[Pause for applause]

Ban Muslims!

[Pause for applause]

If you want to believe in something, believe in it. Just because it isn't true doesn't mean you can't believe it! Believe that good always triumphs over evil and that is why I stand here before you today!

[Pause for applause]

Today. Today, I am the luckiest man on this earth!

[Pause for applause]

I have a dream! I have a dream that one day my children will be judged solely by the content of their bank accounts, and the Trump name, the glorious Trump name. How about that name? Stupendous name! Fabulous name! A golden name! The best name!

[Waits for crowd to chant "Trump, Trump, Trump!"; resumes after 10 minutes]

Okay, thank you! Much appreciated. I am humbled. Thank you! Thank you! Stupendous! Thank you! I must continue.

[Pause for additional chanting]

Thank you! Really. All the Trumps thank you! My children thank you! Take a look at Ivanka! She's wearing her own line of shoes, by the way. Aren't those great shoes? Beautiful! Spectacular! Wonderful! So amazing, believe me! I have to tell you, I can't stop looking at those amazing shoes. Fabulous shoes! I, I love those shoes! Love those shoes! You can buy those shoes at the locations listed on Ivanka's website.

[Pause for applause; to himself] Take your eyes off the damn shoes!

[To the crowd] We're going to auction the pair of shoes she's wearing on my website! I'm here to announce that today! Wow! Look at her in those shoes.

[Pause for applause]

We're handing out some grape juice today. My own brand. Trump Grape Juice! The best grape juice! Believe me! Same great golden grapes as my Trump Wine! We're handing out some little Trump Paper Cups. Nice gold cups. With the Trump logo. Be sure to drink a whole golden cup. You won't believe how you feel.

Amazing! Trump, Trump, Trump!

[Pause for "Trump, Trump, Trump!" chant]

Thank you! Thank you! I told you your head would spin! Trump delivers! Gold for all!

[Pause for applause]

And so I say, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for me! This is my manly essence! Take! Drink!

[Pause for applause]

Do this for me, and the name Trump shall not perish from this earth.

Thank you and good luck! Ich bin ein Moscova! Proshchay! Proshchay, proshchayte prisoskami!

[Turns back on audience, gets in limo, drives away; to himself] Losers! Suckers!

[Putin's pickpockets move through the crowd.]

And there you have it, P.O.T.U.S. hands it over to P.O.S.


From time to time I keep a journal of my dreams. Some are of the daydream variety; others are the nocturnal kind. The nocturnal ones tend to be very dark or very absurd in a surreal sense, sometimes more than a bit of both.

Long live the Queen!
Back in February, I awoke from a dream that Trump got the nomination and won the presidency. In my dream Trump, having just been sworn in, was walking to the podium to give his speech when suddenly he keeled over and died. His wife then stepped over his body and moved to the mic, and asked the republican crowd if this meant that she was now Queen, or maybe Tsarina, while Mittens Romney's wife shot eye daggers at her from the side of the stage.

The crowd, wearing white hoods and sheets all, cheered for Mrs. Melania Trump. Then Ted Cruz did a Kanye West and grabbed the mic from Melania and desperately screamed that she wasn't eligible because "She wasn't born here!" The multiple layers of irony confused the crowd mightily. "Well, neither were you," shouted some. All was chaos, until the Duck Dynasty guy said not to worry, that he would be the Republican Party's standard-bearer and President of these United States! The crowd left satisfied and proceeded to march down Constitution Avenue, burning crosses all the way.


What follows is a simple explanation of how and why President Trump, despite his press-conference display of big piles of prop folders full of blank paper and forms, and his trying to get away with his cagy nonsolution of turning his businesses over to his sons, will still have his conflicts of interest and be in conflict with our Constitution and in opposition to the Founding Fathers' design. But hey, he thinks he is above all that.

"The President is not above the law."


The way I see it, the future and the new year officially begin the moment Comrade Trumpinsky is sworn in as President. Vladirmir Putin will be smiling, and Osama bin Laden, now residing in a multi-religion Hell, will be hanging up a "Mission Accomplished" banner -- while FOX "News" and their nihilistic ilk cheer. 

How long will Comrade Trumpinsky last? Obviously, there's no telling. Are the rumors about Russian blackmailing true? Here in New York, there have been stories of Trump and underage Russian models. Those whispers are not politically motivated. They predate his decision to run for president. Are the rumors of golden showers in Moscow true? Certainly both fit the profile we are seeing.

Will the new President's conflicts of interest sink him? Maybe not --

Transition Team Assures Public Trump Has Too Many Conflicts Of Interest To Favor Any Specific One

WASHINGTON -- Seeking to allay concerns about how the incoming commander-in-chief’s business ties would affect the way he governs, members of Donald Trump’s White House transition team assured the American public Friday that the president-elect has far too many conflicts of interest to favor any individual one. “The American people have absolutely nothing to worry about regarding Mr. Trump’s ethical integrity, as his conflicts of interest are simply too extensive for him to give preferential treatment to any one of them in particular,” said Trump senior advisor Kellyanne Conway. . . .

[Read the rest onsite.]
What about the growing pile of evidence of a conspiracy involving FBI Director James Comey? Will Trump's very nature sink him? Being a master of the con and leading an audience on is one thing, but leadership requires focus and discipline.

Will Trump's obvious mental illness sink him? His problem is more than just extreme narcissism. He's so untethered that he's already demonstrated that he's well on the way to proving he is a clear and present danger to America. Even a person with normal perceptive ability doesn't need any more proof of that than what we already have.

Will any or all of these sink us as a country? My own experiences in the corporate world have taught me that, as it is right now, the power that is holding up and protecting Trump is no doubt really just a huuugge house of cards being held together by a brotherhood of mutual blackmailers. Pick a card, any card -- but will someone please pull out that Trump one? The President of the United States card has to be a strong card, as much mentally as physically, and this guy doesn't have it.


Trump has synthesized everything it means to be a republican: anti-semitism, racism, class warfare, fake Christianity, greed that is so extreme that it murders, homophobia, misogyny, you name it. By his words and by his appointments, he is all of that, rolled into one big reeking, perverted-in-every-sense, narcissistic tumor of hate. A party that preaches that some Americans are not as American as others is, by definition, not very American at all.

Trump, therefore, is the ultimate republican creation. He, or someone very like him, was inevitable. The Republican Party chose him as their standard bearer. They endorsed him, and they embrace him every day. We now have a government by metastasizing cancer.

The Democratic Party does not get off scot-free on this. They have enabled it with their spineless overcompromising and misplaced civility in the face of a nihilistically uncompromising and uncivil adversary.

I won't be holding my breath waiting for enough of the slugs and vermin of either party in the House and the Senate to do the right thing for their country and the world. It is, however, worth noting that Richard Nixon went down in flames because just one man, Mark Felt, a top FBI official of the time, under the cover name Deep Throat, had the patriotism, courage, and morality to speak up -- to do the right thing for his country. Mark Felt may not have ever thought he was a national hero, but that's exactly what he will always be.

So, here's my parting snark for the year just passed: May the Lord Tiny Hands Memorial Trump Library be small. Very, very small. Until he goes, we are left with our country needing a Deep Throat to talk about golden showers to hasten that day. It's come to that. Sad.

'Til the next time, and remember: Constant derision, constant snark, and zero tolerance are fine weapons. Use them, liberally.
-- Noah


"Pigs get fat, hogs get slaughtered. When you try to take it too far, people turn the other way. I'm just telling you, when you've got a good thing and you get greedy, it always, always, always, always turns on you. That's rule No. 1 of business."
-- multibillionaire Mark Cuban, who once offered Trump
$1 million to a charity of his choice
if he'd shave his head


Here it is, Noah's completed Year in Review for 2016:

Part 1, "Profiles in Cowardice: The Electoral College" (12/23/2016)
Part 2, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich" (12/27/2016)
Part 3, "The Trumpf Inauguration Committee Finds The Perfect Inauguration Entertainment At Last!" (12/29/2016)
Part 4, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus" (1/2/2017)
Part 5, "Comrade Trump: The World's Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (1)" (1/4/2017)
Part 6, "Comrade Trump: The World's Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (2)" (1/5/2017)
Part 7, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition" (1/9/2017)
Part 8, "Trump -- The Art And Acts Of The Emboldened: The Rise In Hate Crimes Under The Influence Of Comrade T" (1/10/2017)
Part 9, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #4: It's A Sad Thing When Cousins Marry Edition" (1/11/2017)
Part 10, "Republican Person Of The Year Nominee #5 -- And Winner!" (1/12/2017)
Part 11, "Comrade Trump: Inauguration Entertainment Update!" (1/15/2017)
Part 12, "A DWT Exclusive: We Have The First Draft Of Comrade Trump's Inauguration Speech!" (today)

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At 6:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Just because it isn't true doesn't mean you can't believe it!"
Yeah. I think a lot of people just want to pull a warm blanket over their head and walk around in it for a while. Maybe some things are so weird that we never can fully believe they're real.

At 12:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cute, but in the cartoon showing the pummeling of Sanders and his supporters the portrayed "evil doers" simply don't LOOK like the real perps: Dem establishment.

John Puma

At 12:46 AM, Anonymous ap215 said...

Good post Ken.

At 7:54 AM, Blogger Erik Lindgren said...

Add "fantastic" a few times and the speech is a wrap.

Loved your description of the DT bandwagon as "really just a huuugge house of cards being held together by a brotherhood of mutual blackmailers." So true.

As my teacher / mentor TJ Anderson said well over a year ago about this "Great" country ... "The last days of Rome ... the last days of Rome."



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