Friday, July 25, 2014

Food (?) Watch: It's not a leap, but the merest, tiniest jump, from selfie-mania to toast-selfies


You have to be realistic with your selfie-toast expectations. As the selfie-toaster company notes: "We are good but remember fine detail is darn near impossible to achieve with heat and toast." Which could be why so few of the great masters have worked in this little-tapped medium.

by Ken

Is it toast, or is it art?

One way to tell is that if it's just toast, then all it costs is $75 for your personally selfie-customized toaster plus your bread cost. If it's art, then the limit is what you can extract from the right sucker.

Actually, looking at the picture above, I'm not sure it even is toast. While I don't like my toast all that dark, this is, you know, kind of untoasted, isn't it?

Rest assured that this isn't one of those stories where some dizzy dame finds the living image of the Virgin Mary in her French toast, which she then has shellacked and takes on tour, trying to raise money for a French-toast pilgrimage to the Vatican for blessing by the pope. No, this is regular toast we're talking about, and the image isn't of Mary, but of ... you! Personally, I find the whole idea creepy-plus, encompassing a range of issues that should more than fill all the sessions included if you can find a nice therapy bundle on Groupon.

I've already declared my position on selfies, which is against. Somewhere online I encountered a post that really put us selfie-haters in our place, declaring that selfies are wonderful and pretty much the author's entire reason for living. I don't think I have to add anything to that. But what visionary would have dared to dream that selfie-mania could be extended to the unforgiving medium of toast? Enter the Vermont Novelty Toaster Corp., and voilà!

Credit The Frisky's Claire Hannum for flagging this one ("Today in Terrifying: You Can Put Your Selfies on Toast"):
If social media is becoming too boring of an outlet for your selfies, consider the untapped market that is personalized toast. For a mere $75, the “toast engineers” at a novelty toaster company in Vermont will splice your high-resolution photo into a toaster, forever to be printed on Wonderbread slices of your choice. After all, “you don’t have to be famous or Jesus to have your face on toast!” (Yes, that is an actual thing their website says.)

Is there any greater gift than this in today’s age of widespread narcissism? The company’s goal is to make personalized toast more accessible to us commonfolk, because celebrities shouldn’t be the only ones who get to “create fun breakfast memories” of eating their own faces. Well, I guess toast equality is one way to stick it to the one percent.
"Please keep in mind," Claire writes, "that if you serve me a slice of toast with your face on it, we probably can’t be friends anymore. Nothing personal, it just creeps me out too much." You and me both, Claire.

If you're nevertheless thinking about taking the selfie-toaster plunge, rest assured: "Comes with Full Color Water Peel Decal of Your Photograph on Front of Toaster." And the toasters themselves are: "White with Color Accents."

If course if you happen to have any pix of Jesus or Mary on your phone, you could send those in and get yourself a Jesus or Mary toaster. Toast long and prosper!



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