Saturday, December 29, 2012

Nobody Does It Better: Republicans Take Over for Al Qaeda


Yertle, Boehner, and the Cancer Man -- drinks all around!

by Noah

When Al Qaeda attacked us on 9/11/01, their main stated goal was to destroy us by pushing us into compromising our system's balance between laws and freedoms and by damaging our economy via a hit on the World Trade Center. They knew us well.

In no time at all, our Congress, Repugs and Conservadems alike, bent to the will of so-called President Dubya and force-fed us the Patriot Act, perhaps the most misnamed piece of legislation to ever cross an Oval Office desk (well, except for things like Dubya's "Healthy Forests" initiative, Clear Skies Act, etc.).  Since then, aided by the cheering of media co-conspirators, we've put Orwellian spy cameras just about everywhere imaginable, been patted down and worse by TSA "inspectors", and had even our most boring e-mail cookie recipes read by Das Homeland Security. 1984 came a little late, but it's here.

As  for the economy, that too has been left to Congress. As the current "fiscal cliff" crisis is showing us, no one can destroy our country better than we can, especially if it means doing a big favor for the people who stuff our politicians' pockets.

In this case, the Republicans in Congress, most specifically John Boehner and Eric Cancer's House of Representatives, are doing the finest possible job of destroying us from within, the job that Al Qaeda could never do. Bravo! Hand out the Medals of Freedom! We're about to literally jump off the cliff into a new recession and more years of self-inflicted misery. Well done, Boehner! Well done, perfectly named Cancer! You and your Senate minority leader buddy Yertle the Turtle in the $enate are doing Al Qaeda's work for them. You must be very proud. Drinks all around! Come on, Boehner, pass that bottle. Stop hogging it all!

For the reasons outlined, Al Qaeda is now deferring to Congress. At least, they know not to waste valuable resources when someone else is doing the job. Well done, indeed! Comedian Andy Borowitz has the story:

DECEMBER 28, 2012
Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress's Hands

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that "our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress."
In an official statement published on the group's website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress's conduct during the so-called "fiscal-cliff" showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.

"We've been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy," said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. "But even we couldn't come up with something like this."

Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year "is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain."

"As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game," he said. "This is one of those times."

The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, "We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell."

As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become "more of a social network," offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.

In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film "Zero Dark Thirty" two thumbs down.

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