Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Is it true? Can our Willard Romney really be back? Oh, those wacky GOP-ers! But surely it's not as a potential Young Johnny McCranky running mate?


by Ken

On the DNC blog, Matt Ortega has a post up about old DWT fave Willard Romney, who lit up the early stages of the 2008 GOP presidential race with his flipflopperoo campaign hi-jinx.

(Since our Willard is known for his money-making expertise, I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that he was shrewd enough to patent his special process of Saying Any Damned Thing You Have to Say to Try to Get Elected, with the result that Young Johnny McCranky now has to pay him a royalty every time he contradicts one of his previous positions -- or, in the vernacular, "flipflops." Which is to say pretty much every time Young Johnny opens his mouth or the McCranky brain trust fires up the campaign mimeograph machine.)

If you need to put some twinkle in your day, I seriously encourage you to check out Matt's post, which might be subtitled "Willard in His Own Words." For Matt has gathered a stunning accumulation of clumsy verbal evasions by which our Willard attempted to duck uncomfortable questions by announcing things he's not.

In his post Matt provides for each "I'm not . . ." the full context along with the full Willard quote (including source). Here, stripped to the bare essentials, are some examples:

* Willard on "sanctuary cities": "I'm not a mayor."

* Willard on possible immigration legislation: "I'm no legislator."

* Willard on Senator McCranky's anti-torture proposal: "I'm not a senator." (Um, say, while we're on the subject: Hey there, Crankyman, how about your old anti-torture proposal? You know, from back before you turned in favor of torture?)

* Willard on global warming: "I'm not a scientist."

* Willard on Boston's infamously mismanaged Big Dig: "I'm not an engineer."

And so on and on. By his own testimony, our Willard is, in addition, not a Supreme Court justice, a political pundit, a psychologist, or a big-game hunter. The underlying theme would appear to be that our Willard isn't much of anything, to which one can only respond, How true, how true!

But oh, for those good old days, when Willard was being taken seriously as . . . well, as anything other than the grubby opportunist he actually is. The good old days when the GOP proudly sported that massive field of clueless white male presidential hopefuls running under the GOP's apparent campaign banner for 2008:

"The Clowns Have Taken Over the Circus"

Those were, of course, the days before the party faithful turned their backs on their more comical clowns, like Willard and Minister Mike Hucksterbee, and opted for the "pathetic" clown mode (old-timers can hark back to those dreadful tragiclowns Red Skelton used to portray, both on camera and on canvas) represented by Young Johnny "Bozo" McCranky.

The only thing I'm a trifle unclear about is how we come to be talking about Willard now after all this time. You're not telling me he's somehow back, are you?

Not, surely, as a possible GOP veep choice? No, I don't see this at all. For starters, the Crankyman needs someone who knows when to talk -- and to say only what he's told to -- and especially when to shut the heck up. Does this sound like our Willard?

In addition, I think Young Johnny is particularly cranky about the possibility of being shown up by his running mate (and prospective vice president). The very fact that our Willard can, you know, talk and breathe at the same time makes Young Johnny appear incapacitated. Throw in those beefcake photos of Willard stripped to his bare essentials, and folks are apt to be reminded that Young Johnny has at least one foot, if not most of his decrepit carcass, in the grave.

Now Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, the Man Who Never Was -- this strikes me as McCranky veep material. Provided you discount that awkward episode when Governor Timmy ran squealing from the Crankyman's words of "wisdom" about the collapse of that Minneapolis bridge, a subject on which the governor appears kind of touchy -- understandably, since wherever he goes he seems to see people pointing fingers of blame at him, as if it was his fault that his state more or less stopped spending money on infrastructure maintenance. (Oh, wait . . .)

Man, those wacky Republicans! I think the least we can do is to join in that topsy-turvy spirit of GOP fun and say:

Welcome back, Willard!

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At 1:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know what other people think, but Paris Hilton sure seems to be a better business person than Mitt. Paris has managed to make million by marketing absolutely nothing. While Mitt lost 45 million trying to sell himself. Now who's the dummy.

At 1:59 PM, Blogger KenInNY said...

Did it really come to 45 million smackeroos? Well, look at it this way: Our Willard had the 45 mil to blow! And in exchange he achieved a new level of recognition whereby way more people now recognize him as that kinda creepy guy who used to be on the TV a lot but then mercifully disappeared. You can't buy that kind of recognition. Oh wait, you can. That's kind of the lesson of our Willard's public career, isn't it?

Now, as to the relative fitness of Willard and Paris Hilton for office, by all means count me in the Paris column.


At 2:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did it really come to 45 million smackeroos?"

To quote John McBush, "Why not make it a hundred?"


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