Friday, July 13, 2007



A few times a week I work with John and Nicole to put together a little contest on the Crooks and Liars LNMC. It's kind of a fun thing and the winner usually gets a CD or a book or DVD. Last night's contest asked participants to listen to "Windy" by The Association and "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals and come up with a short essay that ties them together. I loved the winning entry and I thought you might enjoy it too. This comes from Kitchener, Ontario:


We interrupt this program for a Fox News Special Alert!

Page Hopkins:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Page Hopkins
With the latest on the situation in the David Vitter scandal...
We go live to Greta van Susteren...

Greta, what have you got for us?
Greta van Susteren:
Folks, I'm coming to you live from
A house of ill repute in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun...

David Vitter (blubbering like a teary idiot):
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one!!!

...And with me is Republican hero,
alleged adulterer & moral crusader
David Vitter.

Vitter (pleading with the camera):
I'm cured of my sins. God has forgiven me!
It's all Clinton's fault! Liberals made me do it!
It was the gaaaays... the gaaaaaays....

Who's that tripping down the streets of the city
Smilin' at everybody she sees...

That would be Deborah Jeane Palfrey,
Who ran Pamela Martin and Associates
Escort service, the infamous DC Madam...

Vitter (wincing & hiding his face):
Where!? Oh (bleep)!

Deborah (waving phone records):
Who's reachin' out to capture a moment
Everyone knows it's Windy!!!

Vitter (to camera, with crocodile tears):
Oh mothers, tell, tell your children
Not to do what I have done...

Not to spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun?

Yes, Greta!
Why I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train...
I'ma goin' back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain...

Mrs. Vitter
(running after Vitter with a knife):
Ya think you are, are ya?
Not until I Lorrena Bobbit
Your (bleep) pecker, you vile (bleep)!

(Vitter runs away off camera...
Mrs. Vitter runs crazily after him)

Who's peekin' out from under a stairway
Calling a name that's lighter than air?

That would be Larry Flynt
The infamous Hustler magazine mogul...
He's been camping out here celebrating
His scandal exposure/promotional gimmick.
He seems very happy with himself!

Larry (being wheeled around the cameras,
throwing money like confetti):
Who's bending down to give me a rainbow
Everyone knows it's Windy!!!

Payback's a (bleep)!!!

Mr. Flynt, do you have any words
For our Fox News audience?

My mother was a tailor
She sewed my new bluejeans
My father was a gamblin' man
Down in New Orleans

(in the background, there is an
ungodly, gutteral scream...)

Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
Ha! Full of my Hustler mags!!!
And the only time he's ever satisfied
Is when he's down & drunk...

(tosses more money)

Payback's a (bleep)!!!

(Mrs. Vitters flies past the camera,
running towards an open field across the road,
a knife in one hand & something else
triumphantly held up high in the other...)

Greta, what's going on?!

OH. MY. (bleep)!

(Mrs. Vitter swings something pink & red in air,
runs into a field & with a wind-up pitch,
sends the object into the air far & wide...)

Mrs. Vitter (singing loudly):

And Windy has stor-my eyes
That flash at the sound of lies
And Windy has wings to fly
Above the clouds!!!
Above the clouds!!!

Fly, Windy, fly!!!

Greta (to cameraman):
Are you getting this?
Tell me you're getting all this!

Yeah, yeah! Rolling! It's a lock!

(David Vitter shuffles around frantically,
pants at his ankles, screaming & crying,
clutching his bleeding crotch...)

OH. MY. (bleep)!

Wow, man, was that... was that... oh man!!

What happened?! Greta, what's going on?!

Greta (regains her composure):
Poll just in...
Recent revelations have only
Forced David Vitter's numbers
To go up, up, up!
It is indeed a new horizon for Mr. Vitters.
Public approval for the Republicans
Is once again vindicated.

This is Greta van Susteran reporting to you live
From a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun...

Vitter (crying hysterically):
And... and... and.. it's been the ruin of many a poor boy...
And God I know I'm one



At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks Howie, for the opportunity & the

It was an inspired challenge that you made & it pretty much wrote itself. I'm thrilled for the recognition but art never really does justice, especially in this case, to the reality.

I enjoy Crooks&Liars every day with my coffee & I appreciate your contributions greatly. Keep up the good work, Howie.

If you ever get the chance, I'd be honoured if you read up on my little brother who was asked to personally meet with Al Gore (whom I hope does run for office again) in recognition for his inspiring work as an alternative fuels activist. He was left a quadriplegic after being struck by a drunk driver last Sept.


gordon brogan

At 6:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

In New Orleans, Vitter was called Vitter the Shitter by all the hookers.

He dump himself and rub his moo all over his face and beat off.

If he was feeling really freaky, he'd take out the hugest hookers to monstrous barbeque feasts and stuff them with steaks, ribs and pulled pork.

Then he would diaper them and make them drink cafe lattes and smoke cigars until they laid a massive dump in the diaper.

Then he would take off the diaper and stuff his head into it and tie it off at his neck and eat his fucking way out of it while he beat off.

Yeah, that's Republican family values for you. Vitter is what the GOP is all about.



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