Frontiers of shamelessness: Chuck Lorre hawks his book-form collection of his vanity cards

You know the old saying, "Shameless is as shameless does." Okay, maybe it's not an old saying, and maybe I'm not even sure what it would mean if it were. But somehow it seems pertinent to Chuck Lorre's collection of his celebrated end-of-show vanity cards -- with, he promises, some new material added.

by Ken

So here I was just this week bragging about how I was on top of my new-season televiewing. It shouldn't be that tough, really, since it's pretty much all old and returning shows. (I'm casting a wary eye on CBS's Partners, though I missed the pilot, and the show is apparently too fancy for On Demand. There's sort of something going on there, nothing much is grabbing me except Brandon Routh, whom I don't think I've seen before, as "the other" gay guy.) Then I ran into the usual Sunday-night jam-up, which isn't so easy to clear if you aren't doing due DVR diligence, which for various reasons I wasn't this week -- and then I discovered I've got a Thursday-night mini-jam-up.

Which is a long-way-round way of saying that I only just caught up on Thursday night's Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men. And naturally at the end of the very lovely Big Bang Theory episode, naturally I paused the machine to read producer Chuck Lorre's vanity card. Which looked something like this:

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #393

I'm reluctant to use my vanity cards to plug the sale of my vanity card book. That doesn't mean I won't do it, I'm just reluctant. Or perhaps the better word is ambivalent - of two minds. On the one hand it seems a bit shameless to ask people to spend money on a beautifully bound, giant coffee table book filled with amusing stories and biting witticisms, each high-gloss page handsomely illustrated and ready for framing. On the other, it sure would make a dandy holiday gift for that special someone in your life who already has an iPod Nano. Of course, the fact that the book contains some original material which is sure to stir up some old controversies is by no means reason to buy it. Then again, how can you miss out on owning something that is so perfectly suited for toilet reading? The answer is, you can't. Take it from me, don't suffer from ambivalence. Enjoy the clarity of thought and purpose that comes from being of one mind - a mind that says, "I'm gonna go online right now and order me a copy of 'What Doesn't Kill Us Makes Us Bitter.'"

Okay, so I'm shameless, sue me. Oh wait, that's already been done.

Having written here before about some of Chuck's notable vanity cards (it was, in fact, a DWT reader who clued me in via a comment that you can find them all online), I decided on the spot that I was prepared to shamelessly promote his shameless self-promotion. As indeed I'm doing.

The only thing was, not being exactly a ball of fire today, I didn't head straight for the computer to do the deed, but instead dawdled in front of the TV and, as already noted, caught up on Thursday's Two and a Half Men, also a Chuck Lorre show, and what did I see at the end but -- you guessed it -- good old card #393! My immediate thought was that that may be just one tiny shameless step too far. But that, I decided on second thought, is a subject for another post.

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"Two brudders inherit a midget"--now there's a sitcom premise! Writer-producer Chuck Lorre channels the spirit of the great Sheldon Leonard

from the trailer for the Thin Man sequel
After the Thin Man (1939), as seen on Wikipedia

Well, I took my own advice last night and watched the repeat of the Big Bang Theory episode in which Laurie Metcalf did her transcendent guest-star turn as genius-geek Sheldon's country-Christian mama, summoned by roommate Leonard to bring Sheldon out of his manic meltdown after being fired by the new boss he has tactfully called an "idiot." Whew! It--meaning both the episode and Laurie M--is maybe better than I remembered.

I already realized that, in running down the premise, I had neglected to include a reference I'd planned to the dubious "coincidentality" of the genius roommates' names' obvious evocation of the legendary Sheldon Leoanrd (1907-1997), the tough-guy actor wid da Brooklyn accent (you can see him in the film version of Guys and Dolls) turned TV producer (The Danny Thomas Show, The Andy Griffith Show, The Dick Van Dyke Show, I Spy). Somehow I totally forgot the end card for this very episode of The Big Bang Theory (laboriously reproduced below).

Lorre has been doing these end cards for all the sitcoms he's produced--flashed on-screen for the briefest of moments at the end of the show--going back to the days when hardly anyone could have read them. Even if you had a VCR that enabled you to freeze-frame the end card, it was unlikely that the video quality would be good enough to enable you to read the thing. Of course digital TV and DVRs (not to mention DVDs, for the patient) have changed all that. And as long as I remember to set the DVR to record his shows, I sometimes find the end card more entertaining than the half-hour that preceded it.

Rereading that end card tonight, I realize that of course I read it when the episode was first shown in the fall. And I can't resist sharing it with you, going so far as to scribble it all down in the living room, where the DVR is, and then type the whole damned thing in the bedroom, where the computer is.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #187
Awright, shut up, siddown and listen. I am da immortal spirit Sheldon Leonard and for da last few years I've been using da body of Chuck Lorre to channel my ideas for new sitcoms. For da record, he's a stinkin' lousy channel and my ideas are much better than what he's puttin' on television. Dis is why I am breaking my anonymity. No matter how specifical I tell da kid what to write, he still manages to cock it up. Dharma and Greg? What da hell was dat? I specifically said "do a show about a queeer guy who loves a straight chick and she loves him back, but they can't, you know, bump uglies." But does Lorre listen? No way Jose. The putz turns it inside out, winds up with hippie chick loves uptight lawyer and then wonders why he can't buy an Emmy. (I did find a writing team to act as a channel for dat pitch, which worked out pretty good, Emmy and cash-wise.) Anyway, back to Lorre. Couple years later while he' sleepin', I whisper to him, "Two brudders inherit a midget." Funny, right? What's Lorre do? You got it. Two and a Half Men. Gimme a break! Anyway, I decide to give the mook one last chance. While he's under da gas at the dentist, I tell him to do a show about four wise guys and a sexy dame what knows da score. So what does the knucklehead do? Scientists and a waitress! It just breaks my heart. But at least the dope managed to slip my nam in dis one. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta schlep over to Milton Berle's crypt for a little pinochle with the boys.

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