Rushin’ To Destruction, 2019 In Review, Part 2: What If The Aliens Landed And Said "Take Me To Your Leader?"

-by Noah

Rather than just go off on something Donald J. is for Jar Jar Trump has done, or rant about his latest lie, crime, or atrocity (been there done that and will do it again), I thought it would just be a nice end of the year move to list all of the one or two line metaphorical descriptions of his mental state and/or brain power outages (You know, like “That guy isn’t playin’ with a full deck) that I have assiduously created or collected over the days and months of the scary year of 2019. I’ve done so thinking they might come in handy some day.

I mean, suppose the little green saucerfolks suddenly arrived in my yard and asked me to take them to our leader. What would I say; something along the lines of, “Sure, if you promise to take him and his entire staff with you when you go back home?”

That, probably, would not be the very first thing that popped into my brain. Instead I would be filled with embarrassment for all humankind. I could never expose our visitors who had come so far to a man who would tell them about the Bowling Green Massacre, swear that windmills cause cancer and raking prevents forest fires, or that sharpies have magical powers.

Would I try to convince the aliens go to some other country. say, Canada, Germany, or France, who at least have more intelligent or articulate leaders? Alas, that only solves one problem; maybe two. However, flawed as all world leaders are, at least if the saucerfolks met with someone other than Trump, they might not judge all Earthlings on the basis of Trump and instantly decide to vaporize the entire planet.

I suppose I could just take them to the advanced physics and math departments of Stanford or M.I.T. or maybe to a library so I could point out some great works of literature so they wouldn’t see fit to kill us all. They would see that there are at least a relative few sentient beings with more than the intelligence of a stunted begonia around.

But first, I’d have to give them a reasonable excuse not to take them to Washington. That’s where the following list comes in. I would recite my list of very good reasons why they shouldn’t waste their time meeting with “our leader” and then hope it would be enough to convince them to spare us. Here be the list. Some have been around for a while. Some are new. All apply.

1. The president’s cheese has fallen off the cracker.

2. If you put our leader’s brain on the sharp edge of a razor blade, it would look like a bb sitting on a 4 lane highway.

3. Our leader will never win any prizes at the science fair.

4. Trump is several fries short of a Happy Meal.

5. Our president is so dense that light bends around him.

6. Trump’s ancestors got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

7. Trump’s elevator doesn’t go to the penthouse.

8. Trump is so dumb that if it were raining soup, he’d be outside with a fork.

9. Trump is a human(?) San Andreas Fault Line. His next slip could kill millions.

10. Trump would bring a box of bees to a spelling bee instead of a brain.

11. Our president’s head is living proof that nature definitely does not abhor a vacuum.

12. Trump is so dumb that blondes tell jokes about him.

13. Trump’s mind is like concrete, all mixed up and permanently set.

14. Trump has a room temperature IQ, in Celsius.

15. Trump’s wheels aren’t turning. The hamsters are dead.

16. Trump is the pebble you can’t shake out of your sandal.

17. Our president is more nervous than a nun in a patch of flying cucumbers.

18. Trump is that flickering bulb on the Christmas tree just before the whole string goes out.

19. Trump is the dead cockroach you find in the bottom of your cup of yogurt.

20. There’s a flashing light on Trump’s forehead that says “Check Engine.”

21. Trump is not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.

22. Trump is a few inches short of a penis.

23. Sadly, our leader’s mom ate lead paint when she was pregnant. It’s a family tradition.

Of course, maybe Trump is the aliens’ secret weapon. Maybe it was they, not Putin, who planted him here. And they’re just here to collect him and take him to the next planet they wish to destroy.