The Moreland Commission Re-opens With A New Mandate

As corrupt as Chris Christie, Rick Perry, Scott Walker and Bob McDonnell

Our friends at the Accountability Project are about to launch an investigative news site looking into criminals that run rampant inside of our political system. Any day now. But, a staffer there, Cara Dee, put together a pre-launch satirical piece that, in the light of today's primary in New York, seems a complete match for DWT.

ALBANY, NY-- The independent commission that Gov Cuomo created to investigate and root out corruption reopened today with a new mandate to focus on the activities of 1011 named political actors. The list was pre approved by the Governor's office and excluded anyone who the Governor liked or who did business with any of the Governor's friends.

The Commission named former New York State Comptroller, Alan Hevesi as Chair. Former Governor Eliot Spitzer immediately tweeted that he was very disappointed that he was not chosen.

In a statement issued this morning, Chairman Hevesi said, “This makes our work much easier. By being able to focus only on individuals we know the Governor doesn't care about, we can ensure that we will do something meaningful about corruption and not get slowed down wasting time and resources by incorrectly focusing on the Governors friends, who are obviously not corrupt.”

23 members of the state legislature questioned why a number of indicted politicians and business people known widely for corrupt activities were not included on the list.

As a result, the list of 1,011 was expanded immediately to 1,034.

Governor Mario Cuomo remarked to TAP reporters, “While this new list might simplify things, it was really unnecessary. My son is always right. Which is exactly how I raised him.”

Many were surprised to find the names of former President Bill Clinton and Former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on the list. Gov. Cuomo, when asked why they had been selected, replied, “That’s obvious.”

Commission members were selected on a number of independent criteria, including: 1) their support for Governor 2) their support for former Governor Mario Cuomo 3) their opposition of anyone named “Kennedy,” ever, regardless of whether persons named “Kennedy” were actually related to the Kennedy family or whether “Kennedy” was their first or last name.

Candidate for Lieutenant Governor, Kathleen Hochul, replied to press inquiries indicating that she had not yet received her statement from the Governor’s office but promised it would be forthcoming.

Hochul’s challenger, Tim Wu, called the Moreland list a sham and said that he and running mate, Zephyr Teachout had already compiled their own list with the unofficial help of the Working Families Party. The Working Families Party, through their for profit consulting arm, billed Teachout and Wu $1,379 for assembling the list.

One insider close to the activities of the former Moreland Commission complained that, “Everything was off to a good start until Commission members began having sex with members of the Governors office. Not that there’s anything wrong with sex.”

Editorial staff of the New York Times had prepared to comment on the newly formed Moreland Commission but decided that since their opinion was completely irrelevant to what the Governor actually chooses to do, decided instead to re-issue their endorsement of Tim Wu.

The Commission will be given an 18 month timeframe to complete its work by which time Cuomo figures that most New Yorkers will be too high to care or too impoverished from the loss of their life savings from the new casinos slated for development throughout New York State.

Cuomo continued, “My efforts to integrate drug dealers and legalize gambling are clear proof of my crusade against corruption.”

UPDATE: Cuomo/Hochul, Badly Damaged, Win In New York

Low-info Democrats renominated Andrew Cuomo with 62% of the vote. He spent $60.62 per vote he received-- and spent over 40 times more than his opponent, Zephyr Teachout, who took 35%. Cuomo's hand-picked conservative ex-lobbyist Lt Gov. pick, Kathy Hochul fared even worse against Tim Wu, beating him 60-40%. The corporate shill running for governor of Rhode Island, Gina Raimondo, won with 42%, Clay Pell spoiling progressive Angel Taveras' chance to win.

Although Cuomo won all the big Machine counties, where men in back rooms decide on the totals in advance, Teachout won 30 of New York's 62 counties, some in absolute wipeouts:

• Putnam- 53.5%
• Dutchess- 57.5%
• Ulster- 70.0%
• Sullivan- 67.6%
• Delaware- 63.3%
• Greene- 62.1%
• Columbia- 77.9%
• Rensselaer- 63.4%
• Albany- 61.9%
• Schoharie- 71.7%
• Washington- 63.8%
• Saratoga- 67.3%
• Fulton- 54.3%
• Montgomery- 54.5%
• Otsego- 72.7%
• Chenango- 49.9%
• Madison- 46.8%
• Cortland- 60.6%
• Tompkins- 70.9%
• Tioga- 49.7%
• Schuyler- 60.7%
• Yates- 61.5%
• Ontario- 50.8%
• Seneca- 56.3%
• Wayne- 49.1%
• Warren- 56.7%
• Hamilton- 51.7%
• Essex- 48.6%
• Clinton- 49.4%
• St Lawrence- 54.6%