Finally there's a demon-spawn war-wimp son-of-Willard we can all believe in: "Tugg"!

OMG, it's . . . it's . . . "Tugg" Romney! "Sometimes
I think I'm just a riddle that even I can't solve."

by Ken

Okay, okay, that's not actually "Tugg" Romney, if for no other reason than there isn't actually a "Tugg" Romney. Who that is is New Girl's Schmidt (Max Greenfield), pretending to be Tugg in the interest of gaining admittance to some crappy club and scoring GOP-lusting coeds.

I've had trouble all the way with New Girl, the Fox sitcom now comfortably into its second season. It has some ingenious, engaging elements, and yet they always seem to be put together in ways that are either wildly creepy or mildly appalling. But for me the show vaulted briefly into the sublime with roommate Schmidt's pathetic, desperate (come to think of it, "pathetic" and "desperate" are qualities that can be observed frequently in the show) impersonation of "Tugg" in the episode from a couple of weeks ago, "Fluffer." (You can watch the complete episode here.)

One of the wonderful things about the impersonation was that for a while Schmidt actually pulled it off. And in the end it wasn't so much the babes' inability to google Tugg Romney that did him in as the photo produced by one of them containing every Romney known to man, among whom our boy was clearly nowhere to be found. It was a hard fall for Schmidt, who by then had invested more in his assumed identity than the Romney-hungry babes. As Jess (the fairly enchanting Zooey Deschanel) diagnosed, Schmidt's obsession with "Dad" had come to have a lot to do with the father he never had.

Anyway, ever since pictures of the real demon Willard-spawn began appearing early in Dad's presidential campaign -- and a scarier-looking band of delinquents I've hardly ever seen -- they've seemed to me one of those dark corners of American life to risk going into too deeply. And I don't know anything about them more charming than their history of absolute, uncompromised war-wimpitude. Yessirree, these are your standard right-wing scum: They're the phony-baloney tough-guy types who preach America kicking butt from corner to corner to corner to corner of the earth and yet among the whole lot of them manage to rack up a record of military service that totals 0 years, 0 months, 0 days, 0 hours, 0 minutes, and -- you guessed it -- 0 seconds.

I THINK AMERICA IS ENTITLED TO
A BETTER PACK OF WILLARD-SPAWN

It occurred to me that, just like what America needs is a better class of lies from its pols, maybe what we need is a better pack of demon Willard-spawn. Just do something with those five nightmares, and make room for some better material.

And in the spirit of leading the way,

Tugg (of course)
Schmidt
Zooey
Schlepp
André
Wooff
Zeppo/Chico/Harpo (pick one)
Vanya
Booboo
Hesh
Monsanto
Pain (Painn?)
Trygve
Larry/Shemp (pick one)
Doodles
Chef (Cheff?)

If you think you can create a better Willard-spawn, bring it on!

COUNT WILLARD OF TRANSYLVANIA?

And speaking of Willard, and creating Willard-spawn, am I the only one who gagged at sight of this image?

Tell me this isn't himself some demon-spawn love child of Count Dracula and Dr. Frankenstein who assembled those five "boys" in his lab, very likely with the assistance of his nightmare-inducing hideous hench-horror, Young Paul.

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