At last, courtesy of Andy Borowitz, a plausible theory for how these, er, people came to be the 2012 "Republican presidential field"

"I'll take 'Intergalactic Travel, Socialist Plot?' for $100, Alex."

"It was like a sitcom with no main characters and just wacky neighbors."

-- conspiracy theorist Tracy Klugian, quoted in The Borowitz Report

by Ken

In a comment on Noah's kickoff of his Year 2011 in Review festivities earlier today ("Republicans Raised the Ante with Their Racism"), which focused on the tsunami of all-consuming craziness barreling down on us from the Right, our friend me wrote, simply and poignantly, "How I wish that Obama was a president I could support. But he's not."

I'm sure he's aware that this is a sentiment that Howie and Noah and I feel pretty strongly too, and I want to come back to that, possibly in my next post. (Or then again, possibly not. Who can say?) Still, there is something awe- and terror-inspiring about that onrushing wall of malign craziness -- and the "malign" part is important. I'm not aware of any natural law that dictates that craziness has to be so unremittingly hateful and dehumanizing. With right-wingers, it just seems to work out that way.

ARE RON PAUL AND JON HUNTSMAN EXCEPTIONS?

I don't think of them as exceptions so much as, say, asterisks. Ron Paul's trademark libertarianism indeed leads him to occasional pronouncements on issues, like the warmongering so beloved of more traditional ultra-right loonies, which would make the other candidates look like the imbeciles they are if anybody but the Republican base were doing the looking. But you'll notice he never pushes his contrarian positions very hard, and most of his "beliefs" are as wacky as the competition's. LIbertarianism always seems to me, well, not the last refuge, more like the second or third refuge, of minds that either have grown too tired to think or think they're more blazingly insightful than they really are. It takes a few correct but trivial observations about the world around us and pretends to inflate them into a "philosophy."

As for Jon Huntsman, to me he's sort of the Alan Colmes of the 2012 GOP presidential jamboree -- less whacked-out than his cohorts, yes, but not enough so as to matter that much, and in any case so milquetoastish (the technical term, I think, is "nebbishy") as to pose no threat to them or the reigning insanity.

For now, no doubt inspired by the, er, spectacle of yet another of these hideous Republican candidate debates, I can't help but step back and contemplate the cosmic incredibleness of it. And I do mean "incredible." How is it possible to believe that one of our only two major parties has come up with this as a field of candidates to offer its supporters?

As it happens, that eminent political theorist Andy Borowitz has come up with a theory to explain how. It's certainly no crazier than the stuff that came out of those people's mouths the other night.

Conspiracy Theorists Believe Actual Republican Candidates Are Tied Up Somewhere

Obama a Prime Suspect

DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) – A growing number of conspiracy theorists believe that the Republican candidates who keep showing up for televised debates are impostors and that the actual GOP candidates are tied up in a warehouse somewhere.

“There’s no way that these people are the actual candidates,” said Tracy Klugian, a leading conspiracy theorist who subscribes to the warehouse theory. “The American people need to stand up and demand the return of the real ones.”

Mr. Klugian, who started the website WhereAreTheRealOnes.com, said he started suspecting “something was up” months ago when the “supposed Republican candidates started debating,” but last night’s debate in Iowa left little doubt in his mind that the actual Republican candidates have been detained elsewhere.

“When the most sensible person onstage is Ron Paul,” he said, “you know that what you’re witnessing is an elaborate hoax.”

Conspiracy theorists like Mr. Klugian leave little doubt who might be behind the conspiracy to tie up the actual candidates at some remote location: President Barack Obama.

“If you could ensure that you’d be running against Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney, wouldn’t you?” he said. “When the truth about this conspiracy comes out, it’s going to make what happened with the aliens at Roswell look like a game of duck-duck-goose.”

Meanwhile, Mr. Klugian said he remains “baffled” by people who insist on believing that the seven people who debated last night in Iowa are the actual Republican candidates.

“There’s no way you can believe that if you actually watched the debate,” he said. “It was like a sitcom with no main characters and just wacky neighbors.”

Since I'm ripping Andy off so shamelessly, it seems only fair to carry his promotional water. In addition to once again hawking his damned book (hey, I guess if he doesn't, who will? okay, it's The 50 Funniest American Writers), he has news of an event he'll be doing in New York with "an A-list panel of comedians and journalists": "Andy Borowitz's Countdown to 2012: Ancient Mayan Prophets Edition," at Kaufmann Concert Hall on May 15. In addition to the regular $29 ticket option, there's a "Cocktails and Conversation" option available "from $40." (From $40?) There's also a previously announced L.A. event, a Writers Bloc "Conversation with Sarah Silverman" at the Saban Theater in Beverly Hills on February 28.)

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